2nd January 2010

Tonight I Hugged My Daughter Just a Little Harder, a Little Longer than Usual

It’s not quite 10:00.  I have not blogged in over a month.  We went home for Christmas.  We had our share of joys and challenges on the trip, but it was good for Melina to be around her family for the holidays.  It’s amazing how sensitive we can be about the holidays.  Basically, few people I know, including myself, want to be alone for the holidays.  Regardless of whether that means romantic inclinations, or familial inclinations, we just don’t want to feel alone or lonely during the holidays.

Ironically, I’ve had Christmases with boyfriends, and have felt alone during the holidays.  I can remember a few years back being with my then-boyfriend Steve and his two daughters.  I was sick as a dog for Christmas.  I can remember fighting about stupid things, but was what underneath that frustration had to do with my deep desire to have my own family, not someone else’s family on loan for the holidays.

Years later, I am happy to report that I had the joy of driving home for the holidays to spend Christmas with Melina’s grandparents, aunt Lilly & Uncle Donald, and her cousins.  Yes, there were a couple of overly intense moments, but those were overshadowed by joy in seeing my daughter crawl, cruise and move about the kitchen and living area and play with her cousins, fall asleep on her grandfather’s chest in the rocking chair, and “talk” to Granny & PaPa in the kitchen as they prepared the turkey.

We returned mid-week, had New Year’s Eve festivities with a couple of close friends and neighbors, but have had a hard time getting our butts in gear the past day or two. I tried to justify my laziness with the ability to be this way, that moms rarely get such luxury, but I still felt guilty for taking a mid-morning nap with my daughter.

Tomorrow, I’m scheduled to take a macrobiotic meal to my friend’s Mom in Chagrin Falls, Ohio.  I’ll do a separate entry on the benefits of eating macrobiotic food, or anti-cancer food, on another day.  But basically, it’s kale, leafy collard greens, brown rice, sesame oil, white fish, shittake mushrooms, miso soup - somewhat like a Japanese diet.  It looks at a less-acidic way of life, so coffee, sugar and alcohol are considered excluded from the macro dietary way of living.

Later this evening, after cooking this macro meal for my friend’s Mom, and enjoying some of it myself, I learned that she has gone into The Hospice Residence and is not eating.  I met Sarah’s Mom, Christine, a couple of weeks ago in person while she was at Case Western’s Hospice Care in Cleveland.  As Melina and I met Christine for the first time, I was amazed at how much Melina immediately bonded with her.  Melina was concerned when the nurse came in and adjusted her tubes.  Melina wanted to get up on Christine, literally, and of course, Chris seemed to want it as well despite the tubes and fluid retention.  I knew that when I said goodbye that night, I might not see Chris again.   I wondered how hard it must be to have all your mind intact, and the heart and desire to keep on living, despite the body’s inability to fight a horrific disease.

The past week Chris fought to get home for Christmas.  In fact, she went to extreme measures to be home with her family for Christmas, and perhaps avoid dying over Christmas.  She had her lungs sealed, one by one, in two hospital surgeries.  She got out of hospice care at the hospital, and made it home to her brother’s over Christmas.  She made it through New Year’s, but today, she was checked into Hospice Residence, which is a final resting spot before Chris’ battle with breast & ovarian cancer will finally end.

You know that song, Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw??   This woman has fought to the core, every day, to continue living.  As I read through her online journal the first time, a few months ago, I was amazed at the strength and vitality of this person, despite the havoc cancer had wreaked upon her body.

As my daughter struggled to fall asleep tonight, instead of letting her battle it out on her own, I went in and hugged her a little harder, a little longer tonight.  With her sweet face close to mine, I prayed for Chris Finnegan.  I don’t know why we must suffer from such horrific cancers, but from Chris and her online journal I have learned a lot about what this has done to her body.  It has made me eat healthier, get a mammogram despite breastfeeding and several barrriers to this believe it or not, get a few more tests run at the OSU health center and pursue my health for my daughter’s sake as much as my own.  I realize how much I eat incorrectly, in terms of caffeine, sugar and to a lesser extent, alcohol, all of which can cause tumors and cancers to grow.  Chris has fought so incredibly hard, with such valiance, prayer, and kindness as noted through her online journal.  She has amazed me, and yet, I hardly know her.  I know her daughter, and not well at that.

It seems too many I know have come in touch with cancer in some way.  I know some whose both parents have had cancer, at a young age.  We have to examine our lives, and what we come in touch with, that causes such high rates of cancer.   Perhaps we can learn a little from someone who has had cancer, who has fought it valiantly, and has tried to teach others of how to do things differently.

My prayers go out to her and her family tonight, as I can only hope that there is white light, and numerous warm angels to take Chris to a better, healthier, happier place.  I hope God has a place waiting for her in heaven.  When you know someone who has died or is dying of cancer, it seems as if it is a God-less journey at times.    There are many miracles along the journey, but the journey seems to be excruciating for all involved.

So, tonight, I hugged my daughter a little longer.  I reached out to a couple of people.  And I thank God for what I have today.  I pray to do better tomorrow, to pay it forward, and as Chris has said in every online journal entry - think pink, pay it forward, and eat more kale.   Seriously, buy a pressure or rice cooker; go to Whole Foods and buy some dark green kale and brown rice, steam the rice and saute the kale in some sesame oil.  Throw in the rice and some shiitake mushrooms, and eat healthy now, as if you were dying.  Your body will thank you now, and later.

Leave a Reply

To reply to this article, please enter your name and write your comment in the textbox below. Some HTML tags are allowed, but others will be stripped if you enter them in your comments.

You must be logged in to post a comment.

More from Laura Thieme: