6th January 2009

Oh Bloody Hell —- Just Shoot Me 4 replies

Oh bloody hell, just shoot me …. where’s the chocolate?  Where’s the ice cream?  I need a drink.  Just one glass of wine would do nicely right about now.  If anyone had a clue how hard this is, if anyone could see  - shoot just live in for 24 hours two days in a row - they’d understand how hard this is.  I need something to bang around.  Where’s my plastic Pampered Chef bowls?  Good lord - could you possibly just sleep one hour?  Just one hour?

These are just a few of the things that you might, just might admit to muttering in your mad little mind when you’ve succumbed to sleep deprivation, or would like to but can’t, in the middle of the night, or beginning of the day when sleep dep is at its height.  I was reading one of my three “surviving the first year” books by women, and one section talks about admitting to feeling very angry at everything and everyone.  Now, of course, what we all talk about is “how sweet my little one is” - because in general, that is exactly the admiration and love we feel for our newborn baby.  For the paranoids in the world, don’t call Children’s Services just yet.

As my newborn passes her six week mark as of Monday, and her blue eyes open up wide as can be, and some adorable personality traits appear to be showing up and possibly staying, I am 100 percent smitten by her, that is until the nightime when you’ve gone to sleep and you have to wake back up again to feed her, or you’ve tried to go to sleep with her schedule but were unable.  I can do well all day long, and quite frankly well until the wee hours of the morning.  I can stay up 24 hours no problem, when I have her as my purpose.  What’s the hardest part for me, and I imagine some others, is the getting up again when just an hour is in the “kitty”.  It’s when you’ve approached a portion of your sleep pattern, but you’re so incredibly exhausted - and the baby is crying, or fussing, or hiccupping, or whatever - and she wants to be fed again, that you feel really, really challenged.  After all, you might have just finally laid your wiped out, wasted senseless body down in bed for the first time in 18 hours - and somehow she’s sensitized to this, and cries out.  That happened tonight - all because after six weeks og adapting to her schedule, I’m trying to now adapt it to a bit of a working schedule and an increased night time sleeping scedule for her.

I realize that I have stayed in my house for six weeks - enough right there to send some people I know right over the edge.  I’ve gone nowhere with the exception of near-weekly doctor visits, unless you count running into CVS for Similac baby liquid formula a couple of times.  I’ve gone through the Starbucks drive-thru less than five times in six weeks.  I’ve eaten fast food once, I think, maybe twice.  I’ve had little outside contact with the world, moreso recently since Melina got sick from having exposure to visitors who were nice enough to stop by.  My extent of seeing the outside world - seeing my pet sitter on a near daily basis, and Christopher on a weekly basis - both of whom have been life savers during these past six weeks.

You add to the potential for craziness - normal winter-itis.  We’ve had sunny skies a handful of times.  I know a few people who have serious issues with winter time depression - and they don’t have any of the other issues mentioned here. 

Now, add to it, six weeks of not getting more than three hours of sleep at one time in a 24-hour period.  Now, add on, breastfeeding, learning how to communicate with your baby’s needs, that baby schedule that I mentioned yesterday along with Kristi’s great feeding and activity schedule mentioned in the reply (www.kristibug.com), trying to fit in work, answering emails upon occasion, and you’ve got the potential for some serious plastic bowl banging around in the kitchen when you need to vent.  Well, I admit, I’ve done it twice in six weeks.  I admit I’ve swigged a gulp of two year old, or worse, Apricot Brandy intended for cooking, at 7 a.m. after an all-nighter, five weeks into it.  Well, technically, it was still night time for me - as I’m laughing here - yes, surely someone will raise their eyebrows on that one.  I’ve eaten BOXES of chocolate that I picked up at CVS intended as quick rescue Xmas gifts for all those who’ve helped me in some way.  I’ve recently taken a SPOON into a gooky bag of marshmallows - and eaten them by the spoonful - after trying to get Melina to go to sleep on her new schedule.  I’ve broken a Pampered Chef plastic bowl - well, cracked the tip of it. 

Pretty minor stuff, considering the amount of serious around the clock demand on your body (breastfeeding, all nighters, holding baby, etc.), doing everything with one hand - while you hold baby in the other hand, running up the stairs to find out why your baby is crying, doing more loads of laundry than you ever imagined, climbing up flights of stairs between nursery and rooms, starting to cook yourself a meal - and not being able to finish cooking it, or eating if you did cook it.  I have a few people who’ve helped me for a few hours, and you can see the stress (or welcome relief they get to leave) they have walking out the door from taking care of me and Melina for just a few hours. 

So, how does one handle the stress of having a new baby without doing harm to oneself or others, and shutter to think any little ones?  For married people, or those with partners (straight or gay), you can balance your sanity with handing responsibility off to the other for a period of time so you can get yourself back together, take a nap, eat a good meal, etc.  But for single woman, add to that working woman, add to that, woman without mom here to help kind of person, you need a healthy outlet to let go of some of the frustration that will indeed build as you get through the first few weeks of baby’s demands.  And while you can have all the healthy outlets in the world, you above all else, can handle most of these things without too much duress if you get sleep.  If you can’t get it at that moment, you must catch up on some sleep at some point, somehow, somewhere.

So how do I handle it, being single by choice, and doing this without grandma hanging around in my kitchen, or state for that matter?  Well, a variety of ways - I vent to friends who are going to understand in that they have done this recently, very recently.  I call my Mom and Dad which is a recent change.  I catch up on my sleep, well up until now, in the mornings, but that may change now with new schedule or hope for new schedule to meet work demands.  Don’t expect to reach me before noon, no matter what.  Don’t try to knock on my door without calling first, and never expect to talk to me before noon - repeat, repeat.  I blog - that is huge outlet for my frustration - or writing in general.  I’ve always found that writing helps me get it out of my mind, onto paper, and regardless of whether anyone reads it or not, it’s out of my head - and in the case someone does read it, as over 4,000 visitors do a month, some identify with me, reply with comments, or share my frustration. 

Seeking normalcy - is what this is all about.  After you get through your first six weeks of isolation, on demand feeding, leaky boobs, numerous wardrobe changes for both you and baby throughout each day, and amazing sleep deprivation where some would easily fall victim to, compounded by winter isolation and health quarantines - you will seek if you’re smart, some sort of normalcy.  This could be visiting a friend (cancel that for health reasons, and baby in carseat issues, and winter weather, breastfeeding schedule), going into CVS, or my recent trip to note to Babies R Us.  I did a dirty look from one couple who saw Melina in my Zolo sling and asked with suspicion “how many weeks is she?” and then gasps after I said ’six weeks’.  I wanted to snap - “isn’t it past your daughter’s bedtime, it’s 8:30, don’t you know all good babies ar ein bed by this time?

 Exercise makes you feel normal again, if you did it to begin with.  Some fresh air, regardless of how cold it is.  Bundle up baby and I, and out we go, on a walk - feels like we’re approaching normalcy.  Taking the dog alongside us, also feels normal again.  Re-training dog on leash to walk with real mommy owner is a bit trying again after she’s walked with the pet sitter for the past six weeks.  Training dog to walk beside stroller is also a bit trying, but by tonight she was doing great. 

Not breastfeeding - this I must admit, also returns you to normalcy.  Watch out La Leche is coming after me now.  One afternoon, or perhaps two days, I chose to slow down breastfeeding due to insanity approaching warning signs.  I paid for it in the sense I had to work hard the next day to catch up (as your production can slow which you don’t want), but being tied to the pump, or your newborn baby’s mouth and respective schedules is really taxing.  It’s a lot easier when you just whip open a bottle of formula - relatively - to accommodate your baby’s schedule.  The other night, headed home from Babies R Us, my little girl decided she was hungry, really hungry.  I had fed her and timed my excursion well within the three hour range, but she had fallen asleep on the excursion and thus, when she woke up, she was ready to feed, immediately.  I had to pull over in a parking lot and feed her.  I considered getting those formula on the go bottles for the next shopping excursion, or of course, I could try to have pumped milk ready for this too, but that’s not easy.

So, all in all - I am trying to do all the right things by her, occasionally for myself as well.  I’ll catch up on sleep every other day, in the mornings, or when possible - I’ll reach out to select individuals I can count on to help me with the basics, and order in healthy meals, or pick up Boston Market, or whatever it is - to eat and sleep well.  I’ll excercise, blog, and fit in an occasional venting phone call.  I might even let a few typos slide, in a blog entry, which is a true sign I’m exhausted if you know me well.  :-)

Okay, time to sleep, or try to before she wakes up again - she and I are both suffering from new schedule here, as we try to adapt, in time.

4 Responses to “Oh Bloody Hell —- Just Shoot Me”

  1. susan shepherd says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I don’t think 6 weeks is too young to take a baby out at all. Bugger off to all those who give you dirty looks. I took both my kids out quite a lot when they were very young. Fresh air does them good. Let them see the sun… Just wrap her up snugly like you do and go for a walk. Good for you both.
    Maybe even take her with you to a matinee - bring a bottle or pacifer and sit near an exit so you can leave if she gets fussy. Or how about a stroll through a book store. Nothing wrong with taking her to maybe a cafe that is casual and has comfy chairs. Lots of them here where you will find mothers breastfeeding. Any there?

    You are strong, loving and capable. Hang tough Mom. And call if you ever need to vent. Meanwhile go easy on the tupperware.

  2. susan shepherd says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Oh yeah after my first reply I remembered an instance when I really lost it in the kitchen once. I was also way overly tired from many sleeples nights with my first born. I was particularly angry at Ian because of something he said which he probably meant to be a joke. I was pissed off that he was able to sleep while I was up all night nursing and dealing with diaper changes… I picked up a frying pan and threw it through the kitchen window. He had to repair it the next day. To this day he loves to tell that story citing it as an example of what he sees as my destructivennes - how I’ve gone and “broken” the house again. I always tell him the window wouldn’t have shattered if he hadn’t of ducked. True Story.

    Sleepless nights can drive you mad. Maybe it’s a good thing you are a single parent right now.

    I pray you get some rest.

  3. Laura Thieme says:
    January 7th, 2009 at 1:00 am

    Susan, hilarious story about the kitchen and frying pan. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Kristi says:
    January 10th, 2009 at 12:27 am

    I didn’t go ANYWHERE with my first. With my second, I realized - jeez, what am I missing, those first few weeks they sleep and sleep and sleep, so when he was four days or so, I went and got my nails done with him. hahaha

    And OH GAWD… the sleeplessness. I scream a lot. Well, not a lot. Screaming is bad. But screaming into pillows is good. Or, feels good. The release of screaming at the top of your lungs feels REALLY good for about three seconds. Then you just feel really bad.

    But - I know, this is just terrible - when the baby is screaming and screaming and screaming and you scream back, they actually stop for a few seconds. And that few seconds is like the perfect bliss you have ever heard… until you feel absolutely terrible. But yes, I have done that a few times. Eek.

    Oh well. And the hour after sleeping and having to get up. Truly terrible. It’s been happening over and over again the past three nights. Tonight I am being mean mommy and he can scream it out for awhile if it happens again. I need to get my butt to bed, actually.

    Read this earlier but was on my phone and thought I would come and comment again, thanks for the mention :)

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