16th July 2009

Crying, Letting Go & Knowing This is My Everything

I’ve been through a lot of difficult things in my life.  As an adult woman, the last 21 years have not been easy.  But as a mother, as a working mom running a technology business in a really tough economy, I’ve found life to be extremely challenging.  At the time, when I’m needed the most on the personal front, as a mother, I’ve never done so much for so little on the professional side.  I’ve always bent over backwards to serve my clients on so many levels.  I never charge for all my hours.  It’s actually a professional weakness of mine as a consultant.  Right now, I’m stretched very thin professionally somewhat due to how little I charge due in part to a bad economy, despite 12 years of experience, and despite what I produce on a daily basis. 

I consider myself a very, very strong, resilient person - and every SINGLE thing I’ve been through in my life - prepares me for the next stage.  So, I rarely regret anything that’s happened, knowing that it makes me stronger.  I also never question God as to why I’m at this stage in my life.  Unfortunately, I do not remember to take a step back enough and say thank you for all I have.

So, right now, I’m launching a technology product, which requires me to be work harder as a business owner.  I work on average 6-8 hours during the day, and at night, another 3-5 hours, often taking me into the wee hours of the morning.  I’m trying to change my business model from consultant to product.  I see huge favorable feedback on the product side.  It gives me strength to keep plugging along.  And I see new sales coming in, and in fact have almost doubled monthly sales back to where they used to be, before baby, before tough economy hit.  But due to economy, due to teaching, and due to becoming a mother, life is honestly just a little harder, right?  There are SO many places and people that are waiting on that check… For most of us, life is harder right now.  Many of us are having to do more with less.  So I know you understand what I’m saying … and everything that goes into it’s “just harder right now.”

You can imagine, for those who know me well, what I’m really saying.  But we all need a release of some kind on some level.  For women - we’re supposed to cry.  God gave us estrogen for a reason, right?  But, I’ve not been able to cry - really cry, and let it go, but once, since November 24, 2008.  I cried on Christmas Eve after a phone call from a family member.  I cried hard too.  The kind that makes you feel so much better after you cry, let go, and let it all out.  There are days - when things are so tough on so many levels professionally and personally, that honestly I would love to just really break down, cry and let go - just relax and let it all out.  But I do not have that luxury - I have to be in control, focus, and make smart decisions.

Now, enter baby.  Enter mommy status.  About two weeks ago, Melina had some changes on her end.  All of a sudden, she’s not sleeping well during the day, or night, and it’s affecting her internally.  She’s crying more each night - and the cry is different and I think I know what it is, but am not sure.  I call the doctor, and go in last week, on Friday.  I was concerned about something going on, including what I expect is teething.  The doctors dismiss everything pretty much, suggest some ointment for a wierd rash on her back, and tell me not to worry about the other stuff.  But this “other stuff” was gnawing at me. 

Come Monday, Melina had not improved.  I could tell that her discomfort was growing by the day.  I called the doctor after hours, but felt that Melina’s situation was not “seriously ill”, and called first thing Tuesday morning.  I was prepared to drop everything - no matter the schedule, meetings, presentations - everything - at a moment’s notice - I’d change the whole schedule for M.  But they said, if her situation does not change within 24 hours, call them and they would see her.  The nurse actually picked up on it most - I told her about Melina’s cries at night and how they were different right now.  She was concerned but the doc said come in first thing Wednesday morning if her situation had not changed.

Wednesday morning - it hadn’t.  I took her in - knowing I had a presentation to an ad agency on the product at 11:30.  I had a colleague coming into town, to attend another presentation I was giving on the product to 30+ industry colleagues Wednesday night.  I took Melina in and they began to do an exam on her.  What I had feared about her was true.  Melina was impacted.  And right there on the table, they pulled it out of her as she screamed so hard, cried so hard - screamed, braced from pain - that her nostrils turned yellow. 

Because I had to keep plugging along - while I began to break down, lose it, with her in my arms, I no more than teared up, and got the instructions I needed.  But what had just happened to Melina, and how I felt about this growing situation for the past two weeks, and my calls/visits to the doctor - all I can say is tonight, at 3:00 a.m., I woke up, began to think about what had happened to Melina, and I began to cry, really cry, and hard.  I could hear her in the other room.  While the doctor had said she was going to be sore after what had happened, I listened to what seemed to be growing discomfort in her sleep.  So I went to her, despite what my doc might say or any parent might say about letting a child cry it out at night.

As I changed Melina and heard her cry from the pain she had suffered for the past weeks, and then most excruciatingly on Wednesday at the doctor’s office - I tried to make her feel better.  I nursed her, held her, rubbed her, and listened to The River on the radio.  I began to cry again, quietly, with her in my arms.  I asked God to help me, please, take good care of her.  I begged Him to help me the right decisions by her, to keep her from ever suffering because I didn’t listen to my intuition.  As I continued to silently cry, with her sleeping away in my arms, attached to my breast, I listened to the music.  The song was “This is My Everything”.  And that was it - that was exactly how I was feeling - this is my everything.  What I was holding in my arms, what I sought to protect, comfort, love - this was Melina.  She is my everything. 

I challenged my decisions with her for the past two weeks and the doctors.  I determined I needed to do things differently for her care and well-being.  I would look into some integrated medicine in the next couple of days, and I prayed above all else, to please, God, let me do right by her.  Don’t let me make the wrong decisions.  Please help me to always provide the best possible solution, and listen to my gut about what was right for her.  I thanked Him for bringing me Melina in my life.  But I finally let go to the struggle of how hard this is, if only for 45 minutes, as I held and loved her. 

I know this blog is a ramble.  Sorry for that.  But I needed just to get some of this out of my head as it’s been swirling about for a while, and today was the pinnacle of feeling helpless as a Mom.  I know there’s more ahead.  I don’t what’s ahead, but I know it doesn’t get easier.  Seeing your daughter scream at the top of her lungs, in pain, is the worst.  It can shake you to your core.  Well, for me, it can.  I can do many things in life that some only dream about - but this, being a Mom, is genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever loved doing or being.  And  while tonight, I enabled myself to cry quietly, and just let go, I thanked God for putting Melina in my arms, in my care, and in my complete aura of everything I do - she is why I exist - I was meant to be a Mom - and I thanked God for making it possible.  I just prayed tonight for help on the level of making the best decisions for her and her personal care. 

As I put her back in her crib, and she stretched out in comfort, and curled up in her little fetus position and went back to sleep - I felt relief in knowing I could provide love and care for this little child. 

Postscript:  It’s 4:51 a.m.  I’m still teary eyed and sniffling as I read my work emails tonight and get caught up on everything that had happened since 3:45 p.m. today when I signed offline.  There were two emails today that meant a lot to me.  One was from an existing service client.  Another from a product client.  Both were part of my work from Wednesday, part of projects due, etc.  Both are moms.  Neither knew what had happened to Melina today, they just knew that something was going on - and both wrote me a note about it.  Both emails were so very kind - on both a professional and a personal level.  That’s one thing I didn’t expect being a mom - I didn’t expect to get to know my female clients on this personal level because I’m a mom.  For those of you who read my blog who are moms, working moms, and for that matter, working fathers - I just want you to know how *much* it means to me that you have sincere compassion for my daughter and I - and that you take the time to reach out.  Thank you - it means a lot. 

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