28th March 2009

An Old Flame 1 reply

I ran into an old flame today - his name is Jay.  We’ve always had the most serendipitous (spelling?) way of running into one another.   The last time I saw Jay was when I was with another boyfriend of mine - hmmm - let’s see perhaps in 2005? or 2006?  I was driving with my now ex-boyfriend, Steve.  I was talking with Steve about Jay, ironically.  And, then all of a sudden, there was Jay on 270, coming out of 161 New Albany, OH exit.  Jay and his big white smile and his purple 360 z.  Yum.  I remember thinking that there was no one on the road but Jay and I.  Where was Steve?  Not in my car at that very moment.  I was thinking about Jay and no one else.  I remember Steve having an issue about Jay - saying my palms were sweating. 

So Jay was this short affair in 2004.  I met him in October 2003.  And there is not one moment that is not encapsulated in my mind - every single moment I can remember, and that’s saying a lot because there are many things I can not remember - like whether I shampooed my hair in the morning - like Julia Roberts in Two Weeks Notice - due to my crazy schedule and amazing responsibility.  Yes, so every single moment I remember with Jay - and we always had the strangest way of running into one another.  When I called things off out of guilt, I began to write cards to Jay - I always imagined I’d have them on me to give to him one day.  I still have them, some 20 or so uniquely written cards.  If you’ve ever seen The Notebook, it’s kinda like that, only I didn’t write Jay 365 days, every day.  I just wrote about 20 cards - I purchased really cool looking cards that mirrored my thoughts that day - and wrote my thoughts down about him.  The rest of the time was written in a journal, which of course Steve found one day - and that did not go too well.  Changed my locks after that event.  Fun.  Major fight because of my journal entries on Jay - and Steve reading them without permission.  Back to current times - that was a long time ago.

Today, I knew I had to go into my pediatrician’s office.  I had no appointment - I just needed  to pick something up.  Turning into the driveway I saw a familiar car coming down the road.  I thought and wondered if that was Jay - sure enough it was him.   We’ve all had that flame at one point - that unfulfilled love at one point in our life, right?  Don’t you imagine, or envision, or play the time you’re going to one into that person over and over.  Yes, well, today, was not the way I envisioned myself in the picture.  I mean, I had on a dress, a fuscia pink trenchcoat raincoat, but I hardly had my hair the way I imagined, nor the lipstick, nor the rest of the whole picture.  I was wearing my glasses - I had two whiskers sticking out of my face (LOL), no mascara, nothing.  Au natural - thank God I was wearing a dress and I had the mindset to shave my legs and put on lotion today.  Whew!

But don’t you imagine you will look extra SPECIAL on the day you run into the old flame?  Yes, not exactly the way I imagined it - four years since we actually had a live conversation in the flesh - and if you saw this guy - you can only imagine what was going through my mind when I saw him.  He’s got the best smile and he’s 6′2″, eyes of blue, sandy brown hair, jeans and a shirt - who the hell cares - he looked good. 

Kinda wierd though, right?  He wanted to see Melina - kinda funny I suppose.  The way it all happened this afternoon.  I had this vision of one day running into Jay, looking gorgeous with Melina in her stroller - looking super cute.  The business woman who had it all - a daughter (Jay doesn’t have children, but wanted a child at one point) - success - sexy stuff - yeah, whatever.  Anyway, today, no mascara, and whiskers popping out of my face - here I was introducing him to Melina who was napping at the time in the car, with the hood of her jacket squarely over her face - like Obie One Kinobi (how do you like that phonetic spelling?).

So, thoughts are with him obviously tonight.  Yummy.  But, instead I’m watching 007 Quantum of Solace - very late at night - with more than a glass of red wine in me.  I just got the hiccups.  I’m a little stressed about the week ahead - a LOT going on - a lot riding on the success of what is to happen.  I’m excited, and imagine it’ll be exhilaration ahead of me - but how much things have changed in a few months.  Tonight, I’m preparing for that, after a very long, long night with M - I’m trying to wean her off of the carseat in the crib - and it did not go well - 2 hours to get her to sleep - and lots of high-pitched crying.  Lots of holding, rocking, singing songs you don’t know the words to, telling yourself you really do have to memorize those words sometime, lots of stress. 

By 10:00 p.m., M still had not gone to sleep peacefully - waking up every half hour or so.  An intense night without a doubt.  So, I cleaned out my car and began to watch James Bond with more than one glass of red wine.  M woke up at 11:30 or so, again, and I tried to feed her formula which she did not enjoy, but tolerated.  Half a bottle later, and off I went to 007 - he’ll have to do tonight.  It’s after 1:15 a.m. and I’ve hardly paid attention to him.  I’m just now cooking dinner, but one thing did happen tonight that was truly fun - a friend stopped over to get something late tonight.  I let Lucky run after this friend - down the road - at high speed - without a leash - for a few minutes - it was fun to watch that.  My dog was happy.  Freedom  - if for only a moment - and perhaps what I wanted for only a moment - remembering my own freedom back in 2004 - and the crazy things I did with Jay.  Sweet memories - sweet freedom, but without a doubt, as I listened to Jay today - talk about material things - and only material things - I realized how much my life had changed - the most important “thing” was not a thing at all - it was and is not material - it is a human being - who is my daughter - and the only “thing” that matters in my life.   Sweetness defined by holding your child so close - a giggle, a toot, a hand holding tightly to your own,  a toothless grin, a chuckle, a smile that is as wide as her little face, chipmunk cheeks, trust as she looks up into my face as she lays back in my hands and arms as I wash her hair in the sink, and a smile to top off the trusting look - that I am her mother - that I am her provider - that we are together and that is ALL that matters at the end of the day.  This is what I call a fulfilled love - and it’s amazing - like nothing I would have ever imagined - but could only have hoped for.

One Response to “An Old Flame”

  1. susan shepherd says:
    March 29th, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Too funny. I to have run in to ex-boyfriends not always looking and feeling my best. Awhile back I ran into Jim Barnds in my neighborhood while he was out riding his bike. I was looking okay (but not my best) and I also had Kellyn with me, she was about 3 at the time. He stopped and we chatted. He was out riding bikes with his girlfriend at the time, who he later married. He later told me she was jealous of me. Can’t figure out why. They ended up marrying and now have a couple of kids themselves and live not to far away. We’ve run into each other a few times. The second time I was looking my best - him not so much. But you know it didn’t matter. I’m truly happy for him and his wife Cheryl seems very nice.
    But I know what you mean. There is no greater love than that between a Mother and her child. I’m very blessed that I have my family, and even though exes pop up into my dreams and thoughts - not a single one can compare to the love I have for my husband and kids.
    We all dream of those unencumbered times, but I wouldn’t break those chains around my heart for all the tea in China.

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