Fertility Journey: Cyst Gone, One Week Countdown

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Fertility Journey: Cyst Gone, One Week Countdown

My fertility journey continues

A week ago, after mourning Cody and Max’s loss, I prepared to return to the fertility clinic to see if my cyst remained or had shrunk as a result of the new protocol. I had a strange feeling that the cyst would be fine - perhaps because as I reflected on Cody & Max’s departure, and Misha’s sickness - I felt an opening of space. I thought that Cody’s quick departure (in one way or another) was so rapid and unexpected, that the cyst actually served a purpose. I figured that the cyst was to slow me down so I could in fact deal with losing two animals in less than 30 days. I would not want to be pregnant, somewhat high risk due to IVF, and be dealing with two animals’ death in less than 30 days.

Sure enough, all looked well, the estrogen blood results were low. The docs had put me on birth control for a month, to shrink the ovarian cyst, and it seems to have worked. A little medicine, taking it religiously, and a little divine intervention doesn’t hurt to boot. I was relieved to hear the news, but I almost expected this to be the result - I just thought that things made sense as to what had happened in the past month with the animals and the cyst was in its own strange way the right thing at the right time.

So, now what, right? I’m taking the shots - and I do NOT like the shots. I am not a drug person. I’m an organic lifestyle most of the time. So for me to be shopping at Whole Foods for organic tomatoes, lettuce, and red pepperes - it’s pretty bizarre to be simultaneously pumping my belly and thighs with hormones in order to procreate. Ovulating was not my probem - it was the lack of one KEY ingredient -and that would be [spxxx] in case you’re wondering. Fill in the blanks - in the event you’re sensored in your emails.

Last Thursday, I began Lupron, 20 units in a syringe, pumped in to my tummy, morning and night. It’s not so bad, but actually the more you do it, in some ways it just gets harder. The stimulant drugs, which began twice a day last Saturday - those are strong, effective, and not enjoyable - I don’t feel well after taking those drugs. I have a headache, which is very dull and thick, a bad taste in my mouth which I tend to overeat with sweets as a result, and an overall bad feeling in my body. Those drugs include Bravelle and Menopur.

Tomorrow morning I get an ultrasound and blood work to see how I’m doing. If all goes well, I’ll be having my eggs removed next week - which by the way is not a pleasurable thought by any means. In fact, as I was talking to a client of mine today who experienced something similar with an insemination, recapped it best “SO this is sex at 40?” Just thinking of this more complicated procedure turns my stomach - but if I get negative about all this fertility stuff - I’ll never get my pregnant or move forward in any positive way.

Insemination for those of you who have asked me is different from in-vitro. Insemination uses your own eggs, often is possible without drugs, and requires only a spxxx donor, which is available for purchase from a cryobank. I’ve opted for ID-consent, MBA graduate student, and a donor that fits certain personal criteria that I choose not to share here. It’s not perfect - we all dreamt of the perfect wedding down the aisle - but in life, there are no guarantees. I could easily spend another day, another blog series of entries, on why I’ve gone this route - some of it is actually ill-fated, some it is because at an early age I’ve learned to depend on myself for everything - everything - truly everything. And, when you learn to do this early on, in your teen years, you begin to realize that life isn’t perfect and you can only truly rely on one thing - and that is yourself. That is the only constant. Your faith can also be constant - but understanding his answers are not as easy nor constant.

So, I choose to move forward, despite my faith, or in spite of. I choose to look at things in a more evolutionary way - that God gave women the ability to carry a child - an infant - and yes, he also gave men the ability to fertilize the woman’s egg. But he did not make men stick around, nor understand this woman’s intellect, nor her drive to do more than just “stay at home” or simultaneously run a business, speak all over the world, and be amazingly self-reliant. I’ve had opportunities at marriage, at relationships - but most of them had some flaw that I could not get past, regardless of who they were in the community, nor what the represented on paper. For example, about a year ago, a well-known business person divorced his wife and began pursuing me, legitimately, post-divorce. Seemed great on paper, until I noticed a major flaw one day when he picked me up in his car. I saw something - and then a couple of hours later - he referenced a particular party ingredient that I refuse to live by - he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t see him after this. I remember him saying - the people we’ll see and the places we’ll go. Well, I’ve already done that, and I’ve done it on my own, and I’ve done it without breaking any laws (except once….) And, I do not need any man to define who I am - so, this thing of procreation - it’s an evolutionary expectation that most women have - to procreate. The man, he’s just a simple ingredient that is absolutely required for the act itself. Beyond that, all bets, all promises are off. And it’s up to the woman in most cases, to raise the child regardless. There are many women I know who get up in the middle of the night when the child is crying, and the man does not. He sleeps, somewhat annoyed the baby is crying. There are many women I know who bring in the majority of the finances for the family - the man does not. Women rock - and that’s all there is to it. We can give ourselves shots, go through nine months of pregnancy, squeeze out a baby, have multiple surgeries to support the healthy womb, and bleed once a month for seven days straight for the majority of our adult life. Excuse me, dear sirs, but I know so many men who can’t even see blood, or a needle, much less excrete it from their bottoms for seven days straight.

Now, having said that, I do know a few men who have raised their children in absence of the woman, the mother, and have a done a good job of it. I dated one of these guys, but he also happens to be the same guy who couldn’t handle the sight of blood, nor go through pro-creation again, mostly because he would have had to reverse the big “V”. So, this is where life has placed me - and I can choose to have regrets at the age of 50 when I have no children, little family, and wonder why I put so much emphasis on work. Instead, I choose to keep trying to have this baby - and I do believe this time it will work - I just believe.