24th November 2009

One Year Young - Melina & Mommy Time

This is my last entry of First Year of Raising Baby Girl.  It is the eve of Melina’s first birthday.  It’s really now 3 a.m. as I finish this entry after working for nearly 3 hours on catch up projects with a client/vendor.

Melina is spending her first birthday with Roseola rash, preceded by what is likely a case of H1N1.  Children’s Hospital is unable to confirm H1N1, however, last Wednesday Melina began to feel warm.  I heard the first cough as I picked her up from a friend’s house.  By Thursday night the fever spiked to 103.5.  Then Friday evening, it spiked again to 103.6.  Screaming bouts became the norm, and her cough worsened. 

My pediatrician expressed concern about H1N1 and pneumonia.  She recommended Elderberry (Sambucos).  Her cough was and is occasional, and as many coughs are worse at night, hers is the same.  She suggested if things did not improve by mid-afternoon on Saturday, when the Elderberry would have opportunity to work on Melina’s immunity, to get a chest x-ray and rule out pneumonia.

After  a little reading up on pneumonia and H1N1, as well as Elderberry and learning that Elderberry might have an issue with pneumonia, and one article about a parent thinking their 5 year old daughter just had a cold, and were now grieving the loss of their child, I was up at 4 a.m. consoling Melina and deciding to get her ready to take into the hospital.  I figured why wait until mid-day to see if that fever were to come down?

 When you see your child begin to no longer register, no longer look at you, and stare into space and become listless, it was time to take serious action.  I never want to be a parent who listened to some who dismiss this as nothing, or another time where “kids get sick, I’m sure she’ll be fine”.  The fact is that we say these things to try to make others feel better.  What else can we say?  But I knew taking Melina at 6:30 a.m. downtown was the right thing to do.  As I drove and watched her in my rearview mirror, I became more nervous watching her.  She had her eyes open, but was silent, and the eyes registered nothing.

It was simply scary. 

They gave me recommendations to alternate Tylenol and Motrin, and to increase dosage based on her latest weight.  It worked.  Her fever came down by Saturday evening, but the cough worsened and screaming continued.  I’m so lucky that Melina does not have that type of personality.  But it is earth-shattering when that happens.  I bought and ate an entire box of chocolates in three days.  Reminded me of the first six weeks of having Melina.  I didn’t dare have a glass of wine, but the chocolate was probably just as bad for her, as yes, I’m still nursing twice to three times a day. 

As of this evening, while I was nursing her after getting out for just five hours and trying to fit in work and a rather long eye doctor appointment, I noticed a rash.  It wasn’t just on her tummy - it was everywhere and red.  I recalled it being there slightly the other morning.  The nurse at Children’s pointed it out to me. It was very slight.  But now, it was increasingly angry.  Perhaps this is why she was screaming so much.

I talked to the doctor and she said it was likely Roseola.  It fit with the high temperature. 

I’ve been up around the cl0ck for many days, recovering sleep with baby slept.  She is now starting to sleep much better, but tonight I noticed she looked out of it after having Tylenol.  The doc said Roseola can cause muscle aches, head aches and other pain.  I wondered if 4 ml was too much, or if it was just how she felt.  She did not cry at all tonight going to bed.  She just went to sleep.  She did not talk.  She did not chirp.  She did nothing.  It’s 3 a.m. and I’ve checked on her hourly while I’ve worked on overdue projects. 

She apparently is sleeping well from the Tylenol, I hope, I pray.

But as I went downstairs earlier tonight and picked up the birthday gift wrap and tissue paper, I laid down on the floor and prayed to God.  I thanked him for this moment.  To think where I was a year ago.  To think that this is my life as I looked around my living room.  A bookcase filled with books for Melina, Baby Einstein DVDs, books on how to care for your child, toys, a pack n play, a brand new “car” walker, an exersaucer, and tissue wrap, opened gifts, and cards. 

The “BEST” part of my night, watching her try to throw her clothes around, thrashing them back and forth up in the air, then get up, and crawl with sticky fingers and torn up tissue paper on her hands.  She quickly crawled away and squealed in delight as I “chased” her on all fours down the hallway.

This is my life with Melina, the good part.  This is why when she goes quiet, and stares off into space, it scares me and I pray she is okay, and is on the mend, and I can just say “has she ever had Roseola” - check yes. 

I am thankful for this first year of raising my baby girl.  I am in awe.  I am challenged.  I am stretched thin.  I have aged older, yet younger all at once.  I am poorer, financially, but richer spiritually.  I am a fulfilled woman.  I am at times rather haggard looking.  But I feel like our life is exactly all I could have possibly dreamt of, and am thankful God allowed me to have this wonderful young girl in my life.

29th October 2009

How to Get Your H1N1 Vaccine Tips

Quick blog - will post pictures this weekend, maybe, if I remember

We were able to get Melina vaccinated yesterday at the H1N1 vaccine clinic for children  6 months to 4 years.  She did fine, although I think with all the children crowded in, she became a little nervous at seeing one girl behind her become quite animated when she got her shot.  So then she began to cry, and in fact, off and on, was clingy and cried often yesterday evening.  But today, she was just fine, and no issues whatsoever.  No redness, no apparent soreness and no fussiness.  Her top two teeth, however, seem to be bothering her gums, and look red and irritated.  But she’s good otherwise.

So how do you get your H1N1 vaccine?  Here are some tips:

  1.  Research upcoming H1N1 vaccine clinic locations by checking your local news stations, and Google - you do not, as of yet, have to limit your vaccine clinic to your city or county.
  2. Online registration just gets you in the system.  It doesn’t alert you, as it says it will, to upcoming clinics in your area.  Dates are often past, and thus I wouldn’t rely on this, until it improves significantly.
  3. Watch the news the night before, and the morning news to see if there are any announcements regarding the vaccine clinic.  I found 10TV News to be very helpful in its coverage.
  4. News websites are not always up to date with clinic information.  So, check them, but don’t rely on them to be up to date by the minute, hour or day.  Best to team that up with watching the news each day.
  5. Go early, really, go early!  What’s early?  I went at 10 a.m. for a 2 p.m. H1N1 clinic.   I got in line about 11 a.m., after keeping warm in the car.  I was about 50th in line. By the clinic start time, the administrator said no one would be able to come in - too many people had already lined up to get the vaccine.
  6. Pack warm - you may be outside for a long period of time, so be prepared for long hours outside with a baby, or young child.   You’ll need blankets to sit on, possibly, and plenty of food, diapers, and things to keep a crawling, on the go baby occupied and out of trouble.
  7. Watch out for germs from others at these clinics.  Crowds of people, some of whom were quite sick.  I have a rain/winter weather plastic slick for Melina’s stroller- I’ve used it twice now for germ-fighting reasons.  Keep the coughing away from your young baby if needed.  Carry Purell and/or wipes, and try to stay away from others with cough.
  8. Be prepared to need to leave your spot to use the restroom - either by securing it with nice people in line, or by having someone else go with you.  I noticed that some people traded off - they had their husband or wife go early, and then the other came with the child later, closer to the time of the actual vaccine clinic’s start time.
  9. As of yet, you don’t need proof of anything other than if you’re pregnant.  You will fill out paperwork when you’re there, a one-pager.  It’s similar to what you do if you register online, but has more information about allergies to shots.  It’s very similar to the paperwork for a seasonal flu vaccine.
  10. You will need to wait around for 15 minutes once you get the vaccine.

Lastly, I want to give kudos to Columbus City’s Department of Health - and their organization.  Thanks to Ohio Historical Society for their facility usage.  They were organized, very helpful and things ran smoothly at least at the beginning of the clinic.  So, we’re glad we got it, and it was worth our time.  As of yet, no reactions for my little one other than lots of fussiness for several hours.  She’s also teething and cutting two teeth simultaneously, so that could be it as well.

28th October 2009

Take 2: H1N1 Vaccine Clinic

Today is all about trying to get my 11-month old vaccinated.  I’ve had three hours of sleep.  I’m without a nanny/sitter for a week now due to her cough.  I’ve got a ton of work to get done, but Melina comes first today.  I tried to get Melina vaccinated the other day, and within the first 2 hours, they ran out of shots (not vaccines, but needles to what I’ve heard).  We had quite the experience as noted in my blog below.

I’ll be updating how the day goes from my cell phone, which is slightly damaged due to moisture, posting to Twitter on www.twitter.com/bizresearchlmt as my cell phone only posts to that account (as opposed to @laurathieme).

My past few days have been based around coordinating business calls and work without a sitter.  But, considering many of the sitters are not getting vaccinated, and are exposed to Ohio State University environments where many students are sick, it’s not worth the risk to Melina.

I could do everything right with Melina, and there could still be problems or complications.  A client mom & friend of mine had her son vaccinated, and four days later he came down with the swine flu.  Guess there are about 12 days before it’s active or effective.  So, I think I’m in for about three more weeks before things get better, or likely in my opinion get worse.

The really cold season brings about worse flu symptoms based on my non-medical experience.  Hearing more information, doing more research on the vaccine itself, as well as those who are getting sick, and some who are dying, I’m all for the vaccine, despite reading Novartis’ disclaimer about testing on pregnant, nursing and children under the age of 4.  It seems that not enough testing has been done on this age group, which Melina falls into.  I’m still nursing, so I’m concerned.  But based on what I’ve read, from credible sources such as CDC’s website, and Novartis, and then less credible sources such as Facebook friends and Twitter feeds on H1N1 - I’m moving forward with this today, if I can get her the vaccine.

I feel the vaccine risks are outweighed by the risks of serious illness, or even death.

On The Early Show this morning, an informal survey indicated that 91% of 100 pediatricians who were polled say that they would recommend H1N1 vaccine.  Only nine doctors saying they were not ordering the vaccine.  While I don’t know if she was polled in this study, I can attest to that.  My pediatrician is one of those pediatricians not ordering the vaccine, but paperwork was a major reason and the need for a dedicated computer and likely other financial resources.

H1N1 clinics are the only option if your doctor is not participating.  One concern I have: the crowds at these clinics.  If you go to protect your child, and eventually you, from H1N1, the chances increase of being exposed to someone who is possibly already sick.

So, we will leave in an hour, or less than that, for the clinic.  I will make one stop to handle some business matters, and then we’ll camp out.  Tune in to my @bizresearchlmt (Twitter account) if you want to see how things are going.  I’ll also post to my personal Facebook account.

26th October 2009

Some Women Waiting in Long Line for H1N1 Vaccine Show the Worst of Themselves

I have written often on my blog about the sisterhood of mothers.  I’m glad to be a part of these moms, especially those friends of mine who are working moms as they understand the challenges I face.  No disrespect to those women who can stay at home all day with their children, of course.  ;-)

Today was not one of those days, in part, due to the crazy women that I experienced on 23N headed to Delaware, OH for the H1N1 vaccine.  About 2 miles away from the clinic, held at Buckeye Valley School today from 3-8 p.m., there was a long line that formed in the center turn/merge lane.  I immediately got over in what I hoped was the H1N1 line.  After 40 minutes or so, I got out of the line just to make sure that I was truly in the H1N1 vaccine line, to turn onto Coover Road.

I’m not familiar with Delaware, and thus, couldn’t believe that this line could be so bad, so early into the vaccine clinic’s scheduled time (less than an hour after it started).  That was of course a mistake, as I then had to try to get back into the line.

What I observed in the line ahead of me were a number of women trying to get over and merge into the central lane, which I had left a few minutes prior.  But it was like watching walruses locking in to protect their young - no one was getting in and taking their spot for the vaccine.  I could see I was also in trouble.  Women were rolling down their windows and asking to be let in.  I finally did the same thing, and with a state trooper right behind me who did nothing to alleviate or improve the situation, this woman began to aim her car right at my car.  I asked her if she had children in her minivan, to which she said nothing.  I told her that we needed to work together, not fight one another in order to protect our children.  She scoffed at me, and told me that I better watch out and move out of the way, because she’d hit me if she had to.    I was shocked.

Luckily, another trooper put the fear in enough people that I was able to barely squeeze in a few cars ahead, but not because one person allowed me to integrate.  The Columbus Dispatch covers story from this evening

So what was the fuss about?

2,000 vaccines

preregistration encouraged - which had its own share of technical challenges, including printer problems that I still haven’t solved

I was in a community where there had been a H1N1 outbreak, including a 14-year old child that I believe died - although you’d have to check the details on that

Another child died over the weekend, likely due to H1N1, at age 3, in Ohio

Inadequate parking at the high school so the drivers were in a standstill formation on 23N and Coover Road for over an hour

Mothers and fathers were parking on the side of Coover Road, nearly a mile walk with their babies and young children in tow, so they could arrive at the high school before vaccine ran out

Melina and I parked in muddy grassylands, and strolled for nearly a mile over gravel, grass, mud, and less than safe conditions with baby supplies in the event we were there for a long time, only to arrive and be turned away less than a few minutes after we arrived, which was about 2 hours into the clinic

I found mothers and fathers to be very supportive of one another, once outside of their cars.  But get these women behind a sheet of metal, and the false protection of a mini-SUV or minivan, and some of these women really showed their asses today.

For us to set examples for our children, we need to show kindness, leadership, and collaboration.  This is the sisterhood I enjoy, and marvel in wherever I go.  Today was a sad exception.

That woman who did not let me in - likely did not get flu shot for her young children, if she had children under the age of 3.  All three year olds and parents were turned away by 4:45 this afternoon.

I observed a definite state of panic today.  I can only imagine what is to come, when weather dips into the freezing temperatures.  People need to take this seriously, because if today was just a small sign of how some will act when they think they’re not going to get their children vaccinated - what is it going to be like when there are more than 3 children deaths statewide?  I shutter to think.

We were turned away but we will continue to make this a priority in our lives so that Melina is protected against a very harmful virus, that could turn deadly for her, and thus is absolutely not worth risking further.

From an administrative & managerial perspective, I would recommend the following:

1) This site does not keep you up to date on upcoming clinics - you get more from the news - and don’t just watch one channel, flip around and Google it too - it might take you an hour to get accurate information https://h1n1vaccine.odh.ohio.gov/IndividualPodEnrollmentList.aspx

2) The site listed : https://h1n1vaccine.odh.ohio.gov/IndividualPodEnrollmentList.aspx - only lets you register for clinics in your county or city.  Thus, if you want to go to a neighboring town or county, the registration doesn’t work for that scenario.  I picked my bank’s address in Delaware and registered under those details, making a database nightmare, but the H1N1 Ohio Department of Health’s website needs to realize that as long as we’re allowed to go to clinics outside our county or city, the registration should work that way.

3) Currently the site fails to mention the Wednesday clinic that I heard about on Fox28News tonight at 10 p.m.  I’ve checked the site and it says from 2-5 p.m. for Melina’s category.  Nothing on the ODH website.  Perhaps they need a better system?  So don’t depend on the ODH website to give you up to date info.

4) Get there very early.  Make sure your baby has plenty of supplies including warmer clothes for when the sun drops down, in the likely event you are going to be standing for a long time outside.

5) Make this a priority now because when panic sets in, and more people die from H1N1, vaccine clinics are going to be even more of a nightmare.

6) ODH needs a numbering system - if you pre-register and take the time to make this happen, then ODH needs to let us know if more than 2,000 vaccines  are registered.  If there are only 500 shot vaccines, and 1,500 flu mist and my child falls into the category where she can’t get flu mist, then notify me of such so that I don’t stand in a line of people in cars where women were willing to ram their cars into merging vehicles to get their vaccines

7) Twitter alerts - to our cell phones - announce when they run out, and what they run out of, so we can get accurate information and not be subjected to a near-frenzy like affect

8) NBC4 News has a page about upcoming H1N1 vaccine clinics, as well as those that have passed

22nd October 2009

An Email to My Father at 4:45 a.m. Today

It’s not even 5 a.m. - and I’m up and online.  I received an email early this morning from my father about his birthday escape.  I was online to blog about my dog out of frustration, after being up with the baby for an hour, but I think my response to my Dad’s email about his birthday, escaping life, and a reference to Obama and healthcare is a good reference to my mood.  Here is my response. 

Dear Dad,

 

It is not quite 5 a.m.  I’m online so I can blog about how much I hate my dog.

 

Can Lucky attend the 4-day escape and will you throw her overboard?

 

She can not swim.  This is how I know she is not a Labrador retriever as most people erroneously think she is.

 

Nah - I’d feel guilty.

 

I came home from what today, oh the vet, to pick up the two cats who needed shots, and selling an entire year of unwanted baby clothes so I could get $24 in cash from Once Upon a Child, only to find Lucky had eaten an ENTIRE container of expensive, gifted baby oil (about 16 oz) and chewed the container itself, then pooped, then tried to clean it up (by eating it).  This is the day after Lucky tried to eat the $10 container of just purchased Baby Motrin that I desperately need for both teething baby and Mom’s sanity.  My daughter who is getting her two front top teeth could use a little Motrin at 4 a.m. but my dog needed it more.

 

Fast-forward 18 hours - At 4 a.m. this morning, Melina stirred and woke up slightly.  I laid in bed listening to decide whether or not I should go in.  She would have likely gone back to sleep by herself, but the dog who is afraid of me coming in and telling her to get off the bed, decides to jump off the bed (in Melina’s room) and run underneath the bed where she belongs.

 

This woke up Melina really good.

 

Now Melina is back in bed -she’s had her juice - she’s getting her two front teeth- and is congested from all the colds she gets from OSU students/sitters, and teething.  I’m also congested.  No, we do not have H1N1 or so the docs tell me.  I’ve applied the Vapor’s Baby Rub to her and yes, some for Mommy too.  I’ve given her baby saline, which she promptly batted at me, and then calmed down after remembering this actually helps her breathe better.  I’ve refilled the cool mist humidifier because I can’t open her window, because someone stole the screen out of her window and my dog failed to kill the person.

 

Lucky has been admonished to downstairs after going outside and pooping some more baby oil.

 

The 7 week old kitten is downstairs in the bathroom quarantine playing with her toilet cap.  She’s happy and quieting down.

 

Dad - no one could fix the healthcare system in 10 months.  It is not Obama’s fault.  Stop blaming him for it.

 

We know that the idiot in the Republican White House didn’t fix healthcare in 8 years - so don’t expect Obama to do it in less than a year.

 

Okay, enjoy your escape.

 

I’d like to do the same thing, or just shoot my dog.  I think a 4-day escape on the water would probably be more productive however.

 

Love to all copied on this email.

 

Have a wonderful day.

 

Laura

6th September 2009

Crawling, Repositioning, Child Wrangling?

Last night I was online updating my LinkedIn contacts and noted a colleague’s description of herself on Twitter.com.  She mentioned amongst many things that she is a “child wrangler”.  I thought that was an interesting reference, and found it particularly relevant as I tried to change Melina’s diaper this morning.  As Melina gets older, diaper changes are more of a challenge.  The changing table works best for me, but is not her favorite place anymore.  I have to be careful as she’s been known to try to fly off the table, legs rolling to either side, sitting up, trying to use it as a backwards dive launch pad, although still unsuccessful in the latter events thankfully.  If I change her on the bed, she tries to roll away, or in some cases tries to sit up or roll off the bed.  The floor, however, presents even more rolling & crawling opportunity for her, and so it’s a continuous struggle to get Melina to lie still while I change that diaper.   The worst?  A very dirty diaper, and a child having a temper tantrum.  Nothing like trying to “wrangle” a poopy child, and I’m not just talking about her diaper either.  :-)

Humorous frustration aside, I can’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday morning.  I am on the floor writing in my blog.  We both had a late breakfast.  She’s working on teething biscuits and occasionally getting food stuck.  I’m pulling her out of the high chair, calmly but swiftly.  She turns around and knocks something off of the counter as she’s in my arms, as I make sure she’s not choking.  The 32 oz juice bottle, $8 a bottle at Kroger, flies off the counter and spills onto the floor.  As it’s going “glug glug glug”, I’m saying to Melina, calmly, don’t worry - just want to make sure you’re okay.” Teething biscuit mesh now cleared from her mouth, juice in, and repositioning her back into the high chair to eat the fresh peach I’ve mashed up for her.  Now it’s clean up time on the floor.  Down on my hands and knees, which seems to be a common position these days as Melina is into everything.

After breakfast, and I bring her into the living room, I enjoy watching her discover many things, including the camera case, which she seems to love.  Anything with a strap on it.  Then there is a momentous jump to a clapping fit.  That’s boring after three seconds, then it’s picking up a toy, then it’s”let’s see how this toy sounds up against the camera case”, and then she’s crawling, towards the dinner table and what - I have to go over and see - she’s out of sight.  She was fascinated by the computer desktop workstation light that’s near the floor. Of course, I’ve just described Melina’s activity time for about two minutes.  You have to watch a child closely at this stage.  I say that, but it doesn’t always get through to some people watching her for an hour or two - who don’t have children.  Really, I mean really, you have to watch her at all times….

The four-legged kids are curled up next to one another.  For them all to be rescue animals, the two cats and dog get along extremely well with one another, and with Melina.  They are peacefully watching the outside activity.  Melina is now watching Baby Einstein’s Baby’s First Sounds.  These are great, regardless of some who think you will rot your child’s brain and increase their blood pressure in front of a TV, for 1/2 hour a day.  I put her in the Exersaucer, another thing that pediatricians have been known to discourage, as she watches the DVD so she’s not a total potato sack while watching TV as this encourages her to stand and put pressure on her feet and legs.

I can not imagine life without Melina.  It would seem like there is little purpose in my day.  There is no more sitting around, ever, and doing nothing.  If I’m not putting something together for Melina, or attending to her, or cleaning up after her, or trying to squeeze in work during the weekend, or late at night (have fulltime daycare for her during week), or cooking or doing laundry, or catching up on the phone with family, or trying to squeeze a 10-15 minute personal call in once a week with one friend, that’s all there is - and there is so much to do that’s not getting done.  I have a friend who says she’s bored all the time.  I’m not sure what to say to that - other than bring yourself down to my house and I’ll keep you busy.   But what would life be if we were not focused on a child?  I don’t want to tell people that are single, or without children, to have a child if they don’t want one - but all I can say is my opinion, life is way better with a child in it.  Narcissism begins to fade - quickly….

I can now understand why working mothers tend to flock together - it’s because we are juggling so much to work and to mother our children.  We need people that understand what we are juggling, especially in this modern society of hyper technology tools.  The multi-tasking mom is extraordinarily useful with her time as far as I can observe.  If you only have six hours to yourself during a work day, and five days a week, to work straight through, I guarantee you will make the most of your time.  Personally, I weigh what I do very carefully, and do not do anything that’s frivolous or a waste of time.  On the rare occasion, I’m coaxed into doing something like this with someone who does not have children, I’m wondering what the heck was I thinking?  When you are single, you can waste time.  When you do not have children, you can waste even more time.  But not so with a child, and not so as a single, working mother.  You just can’t afford to 100% chill, not at this stage of motherhood at least, since that’s all I can testify to.

As my new position of child wrangler, repositioner, tracker, and expert profiler expands as a Mom, and all the tasks that go along with being a working mom, it does not leave much time to do anything that does not serve a purpose or add value to the day.  I am very appreciative of the new moms that write me, who are not doing this single-handed, and whom indicate that their respect has grown for me as a working single mom.   The good news is that we are happy.  We are healthy as far as we know.  We are fulfilled.  Life is fuller, harder, busier, but way better than it was a year ago.  And that’s what amazes me - it’s been a year ago this weekend that April hosted my baby shower.  A year - and it flies faster than ever.  But, I would be lost if I was not a child wrangler at this stage in my life.  I thank you God.

16th July 2009

Crying, Letting Go & Knowing This is My Everything

I’ve been through a lot of difficult things in my life.  As an adult woman, the last 21 years have not been easy.  But as a mother, as a working mom running a technology business in a really tough economy, I’ve found life to be extremely challenging.  At the time, when I’m needed the most on the personal front, as a mother, I’ve never done so much for so little on the professional side.  I’ve always bent over backwards to serve my clients on so many levels.  I never charge for all my hours.  It’s actually a professional weakness of mine as a consultant.  Right now, I’m stretched very thin professionally somewhat due to how little I charge due in part to a bad economy, despite 12 years of experience, and despite what I produce on a daily basis. 

I consider myself a very, very strong, resilient person - and every SINGLE thing I’ve been through in my life - prepares me for the next stage.  So, I rarely regret anything that’s happened, knowing that it makes me stronger.  I also never question God as to why I’m at this stage in my life.  Unfortunately, I do not remember to take a step back enough and say thank you for all I have.

So, right now, I’m launching a technology product, which requires me to be work harder as a business owner.  I work on average 6-8 hours during the day, and at night, another 3-5 hours, often taking me into the wee hours of the morning.  I’m trying to change my business model from consultant to product.  I see huge favorable feedback on the product side.  It gives me strength to keep plugging along.  And I see new sales coming in, and in fact have almost doubled monthly sales back to where they used to be, before baby, before tough economy hit.  But due to economy, due to teaching, and due to becoming a mother, life is honestly just a little harder, right?  There are SO many places and people that are waiting on that check… For most of us, life is harder right now.  Many of us are having to do more with less.  So I know you understand what I’m saying … and everything that goes into it’s “just harder right now.”

You can imagine, for those who know me well, what I’m really saying.  But we all need a release of some kind on some level.  For women - we’re supposed to cry.  God gave us estrogen for a reason, right?  But, I’ve not been able to cry - really cry, and let it go, but once, since November 24, 2008.  I cried on Christmas Eve after a phone call from a family member.  I cried hard too.  The kind that makes you feel so much better after you cry, let go, and let it all out.  There are days - when things are so tough on so many levels professionally and personally, that honestly I would love to just really break down, cry and let go - just relax and let it all out.  But I do not have that luxury - I have to be in control, focus, and make smart decisions.

Now, enter baby.  Enter mommy status.  About two weeks ago, Melina had some changes on her end.  All of a sudden, she’s not sleeping well during the day, or night, and it’s affecting her internally.  She’s crying more each night - and the cry is different and I think I know what it is, but am not sure.  I call the doctor, and go in last week, on Friday.  I was concerned about something going on, including what I expect is teething.  The doctors dismiss everything pretty much, suggest some ointment for a wierd rash on her back, and tell me not to worry about the other stuff.  But this “other stuff” was gnawing at me. 

Come Monday, Melina had not improved.  I could tell that her discomfort was growing by the day.  I called the doctor after hours, but felt that Melina’s situation was not “seriously ill”, and called first thing Tuesday morning.  I was prepared to drop everything - no matter the schedule, meetings, presentations - everything - at a moment’s notice - I’d change the whole schedule for M.  But they said, if her situation does not change within 24 hours, call them and they would see her.  The nurse actually picked up on it most - I told her about Melina’s cries at night and how they were different right now.  She was concerned but the doc said come in first thing Wednesday morning if her situation had not changed.

Wednesday morning - it hadn’t.  I took her in - knowing I had a presentation to an ad agency on the product at 11:30.  I had a colleague coming into town, to attend another presentation I was giving on the product to 30+ industry colleagues Wednesday night.  I took Melina in and they began to do an exam on her.  What I had feared about her was true.  Melina was impacted.  And right there on the table, they pulled it out of her as she screamed so hard, cried so hard - screamed, braced from pain - that her nostrils turned yellow. 

Because I had to keep plugging along - while I began to break down, lose it, with her in my arms, I no more than teared up, and got the instructions I needed.  But what had just happened to Melina, and how I felt about this growing situation for the past two weeks, and my calls/visits to the doctor - all I can say is tonight, at 3:00 a.m., I woke up, began to think about what had happened to Melina, and I began to cry, really cry, and hard.  I could hear her in the other room.  While the doctor had said she was going to be sore after what had happened, I listened to what seemed to be growing discomfort in her sleep.  So I went to her, despite what my doc might say or any parent might say about letting a child cry it out at night.

As I changed Melina and heard her cry from the pain she had suffered for the past weeks, and then most excruciatingly on Wednesday at the doctor’s office - I tried to make her feel better.  I nursed her, held her, rubbed her, and listened to The River on the radio.  I began to cry again, quietly, with her in my arms.  I asked God to help me, please, take good care of her.  I begged Him to help me the right decisions by her, to keep her from ever suffering because I didn’t listen to my intuition.  As I continued to silently cry, with her sleeping away in my arms, attached to my breast, I listened to the music.  The song was “This is My Everything”.  And that was it - that was exactly how I was feeling - this is my everything.  What I was holding in my arms, what I sought to protect, comfort, love - this was Melina.  She is my everything. 

I challenged my decisions with her for the past two weeks and the doctors.  I determined I needed to do things differently for her care and well-being.  I would look into some integrated medicine in the next couple of days, and I prayed above all else, to please, God, let me do right by her.  Don’t let me make the wrong decisions.  Please help me to always provide the best possible solution, and listen to my gut about what was right for her.  I thanked Him for bringing me Melina in my life.  But I finally let go to the struggle of how hard this is, if only for 45 minutes, as I held and loved her. 

I know this blog is a ramble.  Sorry for that.  But I needed just to get some of this out of my head as it’s been swirling about for a while, and today was the pinnacle of feeling helpless as a Mom.  I know there’s more ahead.  I don’t what’s ahead, but I know it doesn’t get easier.  Seeing your daughter scream at the top of her lungs, in pain, is the worst.  It can shake you to your core.  Well, for me, it can.  I can do many things in life that some only dream about - but this, being a Mom, is genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever loved doing or being.  And  while tonight, I enabled myself to cry quietly, and just let go, I thanked God for putting Melina in my arms, in my care, and in my complete aura of everything I do - she is why I exist - I was meant to be a Mom - and I thanked God for making it possible.  I just prayed tonight for help on the level of making the best decisions for her and her personal care. 

As I put her back in her crib, and she stretched out in comfort, and curled up in her little fetus position and went back to sleep - I felt relief in knowing I could provide love and care for this little child. 

Postscript:  It’s 4:51 a.m.  I’m still teary eyed and sniffling as I read my work emails tonight and get caught up on everything that had happened since 3:45 p.m. today when I signed offline.  There were two emails today that meant a lot to me.  One was from an existing service client.  Another from a product client.  Both were part of my work from Wednesday, part of projects due, etc.  Both are moms.  Neither knew what had happened to Melina today, they just knew that something was going on - and both wrote me a note about it.  Both emails were so very kind - on both a professional and a personal level.  That’s one thing I didn’t expect being a mom - I didn’t expect to get to know my female clients on this personal level because I’m a mom.  For those of you who read my blog who are moms, working moms, and for that matter, working fathers - I just want you to know how *much* it means to me that you have sincere compassion for my daughter and I - and that you take the time to reach out.  Thank you - it means a lot. 

11th July 2009

BPA in Plastics - Dangerous For Baby But Not For You?

If I didn’t have a baby, I wouldn’t have known about the risk of BPA in plastic.  I noticed that Medela bottles, and all of its breastfeeding supplies were BPA free.  Everything breastfeeding-related that the baby would come in contact with, or I would and then in turn, give to her, was BPA-free.  I didn’t know much about BPA, and wondered why other baby bottles weren’t BPA-free. 

Within weeks to possibly two months, I noticed more products were becoming BPA-free.  For example, Playtex bottles were BPA free but not the liners that you’d put in the nursers.  Well, that didn’t make sense, did it?  But sure enough, within a few more weeks, Playtex drop-in liners were also BPA free. 

BPA Free Nurser Bottles - but not the liners
BPA free nurser, but not the liners
Liners purchased late 2008

BPA-Free Drop in Liners from Playtex
BPA free drop-in Playtex bottle nurser liners
Purchased February-March 2009

So then I began to wonder about the plastic formula bottles, containers, baby food, pacifiers, teethers.  Why weren’t they BPA free?

And what about all the plastics we have in our lives?  Water bottles are just the beginning.  When you go to the grocery store - any food or drink item of ANY kind that is in a plastic container  - is it BPA free?  Does it say its BPA free? It’s become a bit of a marketing phenom - if a baby product is BPA free, moms are buying it, and thus it’s clearly labelled like you see the box above.

I’m not an expert on BPA, but check out TreeHugger’s site on what they say about BPA in plastics, water bottles, etc.

TreeHugger’s article on plastic water bottles, specifically sports water bottles

An excerpt from TreeHugger.com’s article linked above

7 Ways to beat BPA, in order of Importance:

1. Ditch the clear plastic baby bottles, right now. All the research that says there are problems point at the effect of the estrogen-like BPA on children as being the most significant.
2. Tin cans are often lined in plastic BPA and sit around a long time; get rid of older tin cans, particularly if they contain tomatoes and other acidic fruits.
3. Don’t use your polycarbonate bottle for hot drinks.
4. Polycarbonate bottles get crazed and cracked as they get older; that increases surface area. Get rid of old ones.
5. Replace your Polycarbonate bottle with a Sigg, Kleen Kanteen, or the new BPA free Camelbak, particularly if pregnant or pre-pubescent.
6. Replace jugs where water sits around a long time, like Brita knockoffs. (Brita says they are BPA free)
7. Stop using jugged water cooler water, get a filter and cooler that uses city water. It is a big jug so there probably isn’t much of a problem, but why are you drinking bottled water anyways?

Don’t worry about polycarbonates in non-food related products like CDs and DVDs. but keep them out of babies’ mouths. (TreeHugger.com).

So, as of today, I noticed that teethers, pacifiers and more plastic products in the baby aisle at Kroger are BPA-free.

I also noticed that a baby drink product, called FirstJuice, was in BPA-free plastic. 

What about bottled water that you drink, foods contained in plastic - is it BPA free? 

Even of more interest is to see the viral video that’s a hit on the Web - from Evian Bottled Water.  They used over 70 babies to film their new viral hit. 

Here’s my question - did the producers realize that Evian plastic water bottles contain BPA and there is particular concern about its affect on children and infants?  Will Evian, who has been associated with “pure” water as a brandname, be the first water bottle manufacturer to become BPA free?  Their slogan, Live Young, is particularly ironic considering we may link this to breast cancer and thus, they might die young.  Sound extreme?  How many women do you know with breast cancer, or who have had breast cancer?

BPA is known to have estrogen-like affects - from what I’m reading - concerns about babies, children, possibilities of breast cancer in women, and other problems.

 So, don’t take the risk.  Don’t take the FDA word on it - that plastic is fine.  If there is enough research to cause baby product manufacturers to phase out BPA in plastics, shouldn’t you do the same?  Don’t buy products with BPA in it - or that don’t say BPA-free.

Isn’t what we put into this little mouth important?  As important as she is, what you put into your mouth matters just as much.

Taking Care of Baby
Melina in 2009

Do it for your health and hers too.

Postscript:

Links regarding BPA in water bottles and other plastics products, including baby products

Marshall Democrat - News - re Water Bottles & BPA
Katie Couric on Bottled Water vs Tap Water

Babies & BPA

Sorry, comments are closed due to amount of spam, and despite AKISMET spam key in Wordpress - still getting several a day to moderate -

25th June 2009

360’s On the Floor, and Squeals of Delight

Melina is now 7 months old.  When you pass the six month mark, and it’s already 7 months, you see the 1-year mark coming up fast.  There are so many great milestones that she is passing:

  1. Full 360 degree roll-overs on the floor.  The other day, she started out under the activity gym, and soon had rolled over all the way to the Pier 1 rattan chair - and was playing with the bottom of the chair - fascinated by it.
  2. At that point, I realized two childproofing tasks needed to take place immediately - the chair is not far from the top of the stairs….
  3. Last couple of days, she’s experienced absolute squeals - total squeals of delight - and to my dismay - when she got frustrated today about feeding - squealed almost same way - buggers!  I’m in trouble…. my sweet, calm, Melina - I think I like the gutteral sounds of frustration far more than the squeals of frustration.  I can see temper-tantrums not so far away.  She already stomps her legs and cries when having to go to sleep at night.  I’m giggling as I write this.
  4. Eating solids- -loves peas, loves them!  Not so sure about the tart taste of pears and apples.  Bananas - not a good idea if I don’t want super sticky you know what on her butt….
  5. Sitting up in the baby bathtub, splashing around, curious about everything - fascinated with simple things
  6. Reaching to get whatever she wants, where ever she is
  7. Fascination with things I knowingly will regret later - my cell phone - sorry if she calls you - babbles into your ear - or SQUEALS  into your ear - she’s fascinated by the sound that comes out of the cell phone.  I think she might recognize PaPa’s voice now on the cell phone.  The remote control, my computer - those are the main things she’s fascinated with.  I’ve been advised by wiser parents not to let her do this - but how do you limit an exploring mind at this age?
  8. Bouncing on my hip, my stomach which is slowly dwindling back to its normal state, my leg, a pillow, whatever she can bounce on.
  9. Rolling over and sleeping on her tummy - and scaring the crap out of me when I walked into the room today, seeing her sleep head down, on her chubby little hand, and wondering how the hell is she breathing, is she breathing?  I woke her up, completely, pulled her out of the pack and play and making sure she was completely awake.  She was NOT happy about this.  Seeing her tonight and making her roll back over to her back - seeing her not turn her head to her side - wondering how she’s going to sleep, ACTUALLY going into my room and doing the same thing - to see if I could breathe well like that - deciding I could NOT sleep well that way - and then going back into her room and putting her on her side, and eventually on her back.  Paranoia is good sometimes - who knows what it’ll save her from…..
  10. Fitting into 9 month and 12 month outfits already - and enjoying her weight right now - it feels good to hold her - not so fragile and yet so fragile, you know?
  11. Experiencing the joy of your baby hugging you back, reaching for you, hiding her head in your shoulders - clutching onto you - for the first few times.  I know this will lead to the separation anxiety stage according to the development guides I’ve received from some good friends of mine, as well as all the reading I do online at babycenter.com.
  12. My own milestone of going to work without her on a given day, because I’ve found someone I trust and like a lot to watch her.
  13. Life is good with her.  Work and making ends meet is hard right now - but I know that things will get better and are already beginning to improve.  I see light at the end of the tunnel.  And, I want her to be proud of her mommy when she’s old enough to wonder about her beginnings.

28th May 2009

Signs You Are a Mother!

True signs you are a mother (as experienced recently by a new mom, updated throughout the first year of raising baby):

These are just a few of the cold hard facts of what it’s like to be a mother - glamour and all - and I’m so glad, so thankful to be in this new group of women - who are mothers.

20th May 2009

Wow - Almost Six Months Old - Just a few days away 1 reply

I can not believe it’s nearing the end of May.  As the 24th approaches, I see another milestone approach and pass for Melina.  As I hold her while breastfeeding in the glider/rocking chair, I’m amazed at how much she stretches across the chair now.  I think of when I took pictures of Susan, a friend of mine, holding her in the first week of December.  Melina was so very tiny at around 6 lbs those first three weeks. 

We are now approaching six months.  As some say, it gets harder as you go along, I’d say it’s all about how you look at it.  While some things are harder, in terms of the day-to-day, I’m enjoying this phase with Melina so very much.  She is such a happy baby.  People come up, and peek and yes, even, gawk, at Melina.  Everyone seems to love her hair and equate it to a “mohawk”.  :-)  I can always tell when a babysitter has enjoyed her hair - she comes home looking a little oilier around the forehead than usual.  :-)  What I supposed I’m enjoying most - well, it’s too hard to narrow it down to just one thing, so here’s my list:

I am so very thankful and yet not thankful enough in many ways.  Today I talked to a former client who was reconnecting for some possible work.  We had both worked together, along with another woman, on search engine marketing projects with her former employer several years ago.  They had been a client for several years.  Both colleagues had gone onto work for other companies.  I had lunch with one of them four or so years ago.  She told me she had cancer, which was not treatable in the traditional way.  She was hoping for alternative treatment.  I learned today that she died March 7, 2009.  My client shared that her attitude, her treatment, and her circle of friends had helped her live longer than expected.  I was sorry I had not been able to connect with Jennifer in the past four years.  I had called a few times but never received a call back and had wondered if she was okay.  Now I knew she was not.  Nancy said that they knew by the holidays Jennifer would not make it much further.  Jennifer was a really good person.  Nice, sweet, and way too young.   She was only 42.

I am thankful, very, very thankful that I have Melina in my life, and that as far as we know, we are healthy.  I continue to get my head checked along with the rest of my body, but the doctors tell me my brain is normal - despite what most of you already know about me, that I’m far from “normal”, but what is normal?

Normal to me, was having a child, a family.  And so now with Melina in my life, six months and counting, we are just two normal girls, learning and growing from one another, and happy about it most of the time.

I can tell you right now, she’s not so happy with me, because I just put her back in her crib.  I’m usually not so happy with her when I’m exhausted and need sleep.  But then she’ll give me a night where I sleep for hours, and then, the outlook on life is so much better after getting more than four hours of sleep. 

But we are good - real good - and happy.  And, for that, we are thankful to God and to so many of you who have made it so special to have a baby girl.

15th May 2009

Mother’s Day Weekend - The Life of Single Mom is Not Bad 1 reply

Somedays I forget to breathe.  Other days, I’m doing so much, so fast, I’m half-laughing at the insanity of it all.  Last weekend, I had the best Mother’s Day Weekend.  Perhaps because it was my first mother’s day - perhaps because I trekked to Maryland and Washington, DC to spend the first Mother’s Day with my Mom and Melina.  I stayed with a former client who has become a friend/colleague Friday night in Cumberland.  Saturday, I travelled to see Susan who had come all the way out here when Melina was born.  It was the first time I met her children.  From there, I went on to Cousin Tina’s house where their rottweiler and son’s german shepherd met us.  I had dinner with Tina’s family and caught up with them, after 15 years.  I couldn’t believe that much time had passed since we last were together. 

It’s wierd.  In some ways, having a baby makes time go by so much faster.  Yet, in other ways, you slow down more to savor the tiniest moments in your personal history.  You want to make the most idiotic moment - in  a funny way - last forever.  The first rollover, the first reactionary smile, the first word, the first applesauce OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? moment, the first time she reaches for herself in the mirror and you realize you haven’t buckled her in the car seat moment, the first time she sneezes BOOGIES on your arm, yes, actual boogies, the first trip together, the first  … amazing series of “moments”.   This is what is so exciting about being a mom, perhaps just a first-time mom, but the glory of being a mom is wonderful at the age of 40.  I’m thrilled that I’m taking the time to slow down and notice all of these things.

Ironically, I have less sleep in my body than I’ve ever had in my life.  College life and partying - in my 20’s - I still had time to catch up.  I never went this far, for this long, without sleeping more than 6 hours in one stretch, or the norm of 4 hours in one stretch.  Any man who wants to challenge me on “I’ve been there, done that” - just give me five minutes.  I can obliterate that in a heartbeat, unless of course, you’re a single parent with 100% custody and no live-in nanny.

There are a lot of benefits to being a single parent.  I don’t have to argue with anyone about how I’m doing this.  Not having help means not having to disagree on every single little thing you do.  It’s rare that I find a person who is happy with their mate at all times, and on top of it, agrees with them about every little bit of child-rearing.  Many of my friends have admitted privately that doing it single, raising child on your own, isn’t such a bad idea.  It sounds hard as hell, but you don’t have to put up with the time of having a relationship.  Sometimes I’ve dated a few men that have been nearly as needy as my kid.  Although I’m thankful I never had to wipe their a**es. 

So, celebrating the first mother’s day was time spent with friends and family several hours away from home.  It could not have been a better day.  I am thankful for the time to share with Melina, and for bringing me closer to family members. 

It’s 1:14 - and I’ve got a Powerpoint I just uploaded to LinkedIn.  I’ve erroneously somehow deleted something I had created tonight and fixed part of it, I think.  I’ve watched Grey’s season finale (which was quite good).  I’ve breastfed, fed applesauce, walked her twice around the block, talked to neighbors, talked to a colleague of mine who is preparing landing pages for Bizwatch, had a 2 hour client consult, a 2 hour email marketing review, and a couple of calls with my contractor at the office.

What I did not make time to do today?

Upload pictures to Flickr, transfer video of Melina to my computer, and integrate with this blog - but another time, right?

7th May 2009

My First Mother’s Day

I received my first Mother’s Day card today from a neighbor who has been extremely supportive of my fertility journey - and is enjoying Melina’s first year with me.  I’m very excited about this Mother’s Day - I could only hope this time last year that I would get to see such a day and experience it as a “Mother”.

I have such an amazing new understanding, respect, empathy and affection for Moms now that I’m lucky enough to have my own child.  The amount of work that goes into a day as a working Mom, much less a single working Mom with newborn, is utterly amazing.  In fact, it’s exhausting.  It’s not so much taking care of baby that’s exhausting - it’s the work we do to keep up the house, the laundry, the kitchen, and everything else that goes into “running a household”.

I’m looking forward to Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, for a variety of reasons.  The only thing I might fantasize about - could I just sleep for 24 hours straight?  That would be my desired gift as if I could get such a gift - sleep, no laundry, no cleaning.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  I could just hold my baby and listen to music like I did for two minutes today.  We could just hang out - that would be a perfect day - you know, without all the work, right?

Here’s a recap - just the highlights of the last couple of days - the insanity at times of my days….

Despite being a business owner and working mom, single working mom at that, I try to fit in a stroller walk around the neighborhood with the dog, sometimes even the cat, and Melina.  The other day, while giving the rescue cat Bentley his walk, with Lucky the dog, and M in her stroller, some family stopped me on the main street of our neighborhood.  The man rolled down his window and asked, “That IS a CAT, right????”  Meanwhile, the little Asian kid and Mom stared at me in awe from the back seat of the car.  Yes, it is a cat, I responded, referencing Bentley.  I quickly explained that I didn’t make him this way, I INHERITED him this way (see previous blogs and pics)

Back to the house with dog-like cat who thinks he owns the road, actual dog, and Melina playing with her hands and realizing she could pull a cloth apart - very exciting motion to observe for her.  I watch her as she suddenly stares at her right hand, and watches it move in different ways, back and forth, back and forth.  Despite the dog walks, my dog Lucky continues to drive me nuts.  While I walk her in the evenings, it’s not easy to do this before I head to work.  She’s a very high energy dog, but of course, when I want her to pee on command, or poop on command, that simply does not happen.  I tell her that she has 2 minutes to poop - that I’m going to workout before I go to work  - and I’m going to be late - and tell her to hurry up.  She stares back at me, looking like I’m about to beat her.  Her head droops, her eyes look somber - and yet, I don’t feel guilty, I just get mad.  I remember when Cody (my chow of 12 years who died last year) used to be this way - and how I felt guilty when she died that I was impatient with her at times.  That wisdom however does not stick with me at the moment I wish my dog would “hurry up and go to the bathroom”.  I tell Lucky as I pull her inside with her leash - and tell her to “go lie down” and “don’t you dare poop or pee in this house while I’m gone” and hope I’ve instilled the fear of God in her so she won’t misbehave. 

Off I go to workout with my trainer, to lose the 24 lbs I still have post-baby gain.  I take baby with me - and hope she cooperates.  In general, she’s great.  She falls asleep but before doing so, fusses, so I ask trainer if I can do lunges around gym, and push stroller, in order to please baby but also please trainer.  Honestly, I could care less.  I just going through the motions.  I find myself so exhausted during the workout.  I’ve been up four times the night previous with Melina because she’s beginning to “roll over” and was getting stuck, crying, and needing help and consolation.  I’m so exhausted my trainer is irritated with me - my male trainer - who told me that his girlfriend with child had to sleep in other room - ’cause he needed his sleep if he was going to work…. I tell him to cut me some slack and gulp down the Powerade hoping for an energy boost.  I try psyching myself out that I’m not so tired - but I can feel the workout is taking any last bit of energy I had faked myself to think existed.

I come back from trainer, walking with stroller and baby.  I’ve lost my garage door opener, as yet another sign that only new moms, or working moms can understand.  I’m forced to go through front doo [keeping typo as this is only fitting - read on] where baby bird nest is.  I gently open the front door, let the dog out, bring her back inside, walk thru the garage, outside - and back in the front door again, this time with baby out of stroller.  What I haven’t noticed is - the dog poop - on the front door rug.  I’ve not only missed it with my eyes, but I’ve stepped in it, unawares, and have tracked it for a good while.  I’m now infuriated with the dog.  I make sure baby is okay, tell dog to run away for good, and put her outside on the leash.  I yell some more at the dog and hope the neighbors hear me.  Does this sound like anything you’ve ever done?  In fact, I encourage her to run away, in fact ask her, beg her - please run away.   In the event anyone thinks I’m abusing the dog - I’m ready to tell them what a bad dog she is.  I am ready with my “story”.

I go back inside and begin the cleanup job.  I think about my baby girl and am glad she is not crawling yet.  I make sure the cats don’t run through it.  I clean, and clean and clean.  I grit my teeth and think - I can clean up my baby’s poop.  I can scoop litter.  I can bag a dog’s poop on a dog walk - but I will NOT deal with it in the house.  I was just gone an hour.

In defense of my dog - I might add - that she only had a few minutes to poop.  I had not made time to “walk” her on this particular morning, just the night before.  I had only let her out in the front yard for a few moments.  I recalled the time when my Mom would complain when I was a child and needed to go to the bathroom at some untimely moment - why didn’t you go when you had the chance, she’d ask?  Well, Mom, I didn’t have to go then. 

Today was easy related to the dog and cats.  There was no walk.  There were no issues, because I worked from home.  I thought I’d go to the office.  I had a babysitter scheduled.  I was supposed to be a day of handling a lot of marketing work.  I am excited about the front door wreath bird’s nest on this day - as there are new babies today - perfect for the approaching Mother’s Day.  I try to take a photo of this exciting moment - but a glass light fixture drops from the SKY, or the kitchen ceiling and shatters into a lot of pieces, down to dust all over the kitchen.  An hour and a half later - I’m taking a phone call from a contractor who has a client issue and a computer problem.  I try to resolve the situation by phone, but suggest she comes here.  I end up with four computers, in my kitchen and living area - all working at once.  I did not even sit down while I solved problems during the day.  Twelve hours later, I think I’ve resolved that issue - and all related issues that came up.  One problem, one phone call - 12 hours!  Where did my day go?  I got nothing done that I intended to get done. 

So, sometimes being a Mom is cleaning up a LOT of messes.  Often, as a business owner, this only compounds the fixing process every day.  So in addition to cleaning up glass that worked itself into many crevices in the kitchen, I fixed a garage door opener without any guidance, restored a computer file or part of it, and solved the contractor’s issues.  I fixed a client problem, I think.  While all this was happening, I entertained my child. I worked around her short 30 minute naps, read to her, moved her around from swing to bouncy chair to floor to tummy time, and back again - worked with her sitting up - took joy in watching her sit up and read a book - dealt with not having a babysitter ’cause she had car problems, and yet even fixed dinner for a friend and myself (ravioli & chicken).

While I guided my contractor through the problems on the computer and the client’s issues, I fed my girl rice cereal and reveled in seeing her take her fingers and run it through her mouth to see what it felt like with all that food in her mouth.  I watched her run them across many surfaces including herself.  I later breastfeed.  I got her to bed - early - only to have a friend arrive to try to fix the garage door, which I has just figured out on my own.  I got Melina back up, as I knew I’d need to fix my friend dinner since he was trying to help me.  This ended up getting Melina to bed around 9 pm, which is way too late for a baby, making her crankier than usual.   Back to the computer and trying to fix my client/contractor issues - re-running reports - and all of a sudden it’s 11:30 by the time I can breathe or do something for myself.  Heaven forbid I want to have a phone call, or get stuck on the phone.  Cleaning tonight - well something else had to sacrificed since I worked instead.

I did not do laundry today.  I did not walk around the neighborhood today.  I  did not finish my marketing presentation or get to the 12 emails from my Dad regarding a client.  I did not check in with them at all, as I should have.  I did not clean the kitchen after tonight’s dinner.  I simply worked 12 hours, and took care of my child with joy.  Considering the news headlines these days, of other children who were abandoned, left to run in the streets with a saturated diaper, thrown from a car in Florida, and tossed into an oven over a boyfriend/girlfriend argument - I’d say our lives are great - we are together and we are happy.  Admittedly, humorously, Mommy’s tired and found a grey hair in her eyebrow at the age of 40.  I think I look like a 90-year old woman when I wake up for the fifth time some mornings - but we are happy being together, being present, and being healthy.  And if you wonder why I still make time for a blog once a week - well, sometimes it’s the only fun thing I do on my computer, and I need that - a release of some kind. 

Now, it’s time to retire for the night. 

1st May 2009

Life without TV (ABC’s Private Practice) Could Be A Good Thing 2 replies

Most of you know that I’ve been through four years of fertility treatments that ended on April 1, 2008 with a phone call that said, “You are definitely pregnant”.  I’m happy to say I have a wonderful 5-month old baby girl now who lights up my day. 

I chose to embark on this fertility journey as a single, 40 year old female technology business owner, guest lecturer (taught course for two years) at OSU, and a public speaker on the speaker’s circuit for over 8 years.  I’ve travelled to a number of countries with others, but mostly by myself to speak on various topics related to marketing yourself and your company on the Web.  I’ve seen a lot of amazing things, done some crazy things, like going to Antarctica to see penguins by myself, ya know, the normal things we want to do in life, right?  But never has spring been so enjoyable as this year.  It’s amazing how crazy life is, but when you have this child in your arms, how much better you want it to be with her in it?  You want to do better things, contribute more, keep your center, and focus on what’s really important in life? 

When you have a daughter to share the joys of life with - then it’s just simply amazing how you can keep your focus when times are difficult when you know she is the reason you keep on truckin’! 


Melina (5 Months Old) Last Friday, the 24th - having giggles with Kim, friend of mine

So that’s why I have to write about tonight’s Private Practice Season Finale episode regarding Amy Brinneman who plays Violet.  Catching a TV show as a new mom, single working mom, business owner, is hard to do before 10 p.m.  You’re putting the baby to bed before then, and by the time 10 p.m. rolls around, you are simply exhausted.  You consider cleaning, doing laundry, working some more, but occasionally you just want to veg out in front of the TV, and think of nothing really all that important for one hour.  You might want to be entertained by TV, inspired, let down, stirred up, but the question I ask is do you want to be grossed out?  Do you want to be disgusted by what you see at that hour?  And, in recent weeks, I have on more than one occasion felt disgusted by what I’ve seen on 10:00 TV.  CSI Miami, The Medium and tonight’s ending season episode of Private Practice seem to be getting worse in terms of the “gross” factor.  I expect in a late night drama some suspense, silliness, good acting, tears on occasion, whatever.  But what I don’t like is wierd story lines that don’t have any impact other than to gross you out.  Sounds like I grew up in the 1980’s, doesn’t it? 

I can no longer watch CSI Miami.  I have begun to wean myself off of Medium, due to last couple of episodes.  And now, Private Practice needs to be banned personally.  Perhaps it’s because I just wasted an hour of watching a single, intelligent, pregnant woman Brinneman/Violet lay flat on her back (which as pregnant women we can’t do because it would harm the baby) for hours, and try to talk her “killer” out of killing her and her baby.  She gets a bloody nose smashed in face a bit, and her patient begins to “cut” her belly, and Violet actually has to tell her how to cut her so she doesn’t injure the baby, even though she knows she will die?  The “killer” paralyzes Amy Brinneman’s character, “Violet”, so she can’t move, so she has to just “lay there” while someone takes her baby out of her very pregnant belly.  Yuck. 

All I can say is that can’t networks do better than this?  I can’t watch LOST anymore because I can’t follow it.  Anytime you need captions to figure out what the hell is going on - that’s a good time to turn it off.  If I wanted to view captions on TV, I’d rent a foreign flick on PPV cable.  Any mom I noted on Twitter.com tonight re Private Practice was saying the following, “deeply disturbed”, “disgusted”, “WTF”, “sick”.  Now, is that what ABC’s writers want?  Is that the goal?

Do we want to sit in front of the TV and be disgusted, sickened, aghast, and deeply disturbed?  Apparently.  That’s what’s wrong with our society, right?  I mean, as if the World News isn’t all of these things already?  Swine flu, unemployment, people starving, trying to get a job, keep their families safe and healthy, but why do we choose to watch such crappy stuff late at night?  And don’t we already have sleep disorders?  I do.  I am up at 1:40 a.m. blogging and Twittering about being disturbed about something so that I don’t dream about it tonight.

We need positive light on our life.  We need to do good.  We need to not sink further down into misery and gloom.  Misery begets misery - haven’t you heard that?  As a marketer, I often have to write about the good things - in fact, I search for the good things.  I encourage ABC, NBC & CBS to search for something good to write about - don’t you know how to be creative enough to write something positive and yet be good drama?  And as Americans caught up in the passion of the moment - we need to get excited about something positive, not disgusting as a pregnant woman ready to be cut up by her possible killer as she lay there, helpless, while her dysfunctional men fight over her but none have yet rescued her.

Perhaps, it’s because I’ve been a victim at one point in my life.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve chosen to fight back.  Perhaps it’s because I choose a positive outlook over adversity, or something horrible.  I chose to create life.  I choose as a result, not to watch a TV show where life is taken away as good drama.  Life is death, but there is no reason to see a show where death is sinister, and the norm in every show.  Blood and gore does not need to be what encourages my REM sleep that night.

I choose to hug my child, to love, to laugh, to endure, to lead …. to inspire …. to believe in something better.  ABC, do something better with your writing next season.   If I want to watch blood, gore or “corpse porn” as an NPR commentator said recently, I’ll choose “CSI”.

13th April 2009

Spending Easter with the Thieme Family 3 replies

Mom and Dad came out to meet Melina and spend Easter weekend here in Columbus.  Melina was captivated by Mom - lots of staring took place, then smiles, then holding - it was all good.  Mom shared a very nice part of her childhood with Melina - an old ring, bracelet and locket that Mom wore as a baby girl. 


Granny (My Mom), Mommy (Me), and Melina checking out that cute little bracelet of Granny’s

It was a neat moment between three generations of Thieme Women.  Mom looks great at 65, doesn’t she????


Mom in front of her baby photos where she was wearing baby locket, bracelet and ring
A Southern Belle!

On Easter Sunday, we all went to Mass at St. Joseph’s Cathedral downtown.  I said a prayer for Melina’s twin that was considered a “vanishing twin”, and the child I chose not to have at the age of 21.  I thanked God for the gift of life, and for giving me Melina.  I do not forget that I could be a mother to three children.  A woman came up and showed me her photo of her niece - saying how Melina was so pretty and how she resembled her niece.


Pretty in Pink & White - Easter Sunday after Mass

First time in a dress - wow - dressing her up - wonderful moment, with Mom’s help - very nice to share this with Mom & Dad.


PaPa Thieme - Dad shared time with Melina

Melina got her first storytelling session from PaPa (Don) Thieme, and lots of photography sessions with PaPa Thieme behind the camera.  More photos to come soon.

It was a good weekend.  Mom organized my laundry room and kitchen like only she could.  Dad bought an organizer for the laundry room, and bar-b-qued chicken Saturday night.  Mom made a ham on Sunday.  The left lots of goodies to eat this week so it would be easier on me while working.

The biggest challenge - getting Melina to sleep in the crib without her current attachment - the car seat - yes, not a lot of fun.  She sleeps better in this car seat, and doesn’t go to sleep on her back for long. 

Well, I have work to do before I fall fast asleep. 

7th April 2009

Cost of Having a Baby (Formula, Diapers, Clothes, Baby Wipes)

15 Ways to Save In Baby’s First Year - Coming Soon! Updated 1/3/2010

A while ago, I talked about the cost of having a baby.  I know a little more than I did then a year into it.

1) Breastfeed - to save $100-$200/month and add immunity, as well as bond with your newborn.  You may have breastfeeding supply costs; however, such as breast pumps, pads, and all those attachments that go with breast pumps.  You might find you go through 1 or more breast pumps before you find one that fits your style.  If you’re lucky, and are a stay-at-home mom, and don’t have to return to work, you may not need a breastfeeding pump, and this will save a lot of money. For on-the-go moms, you might like this pump when you’re travelling for the day, and can’t afford the space of a larger pump in your briefcase.

2) Baby Formula, if you can’t or won’t breastfeed
Approximately $6 per bottle of Similac Advance & approximately 20 premixed bottles per month or $115 OR
$22 - dry powder mix; approximately 4 or month or $88/month
Ross/Abbott Labs/Similac does send rebate checks, so use them, they will save you a lot of money OR
Buy online from Amazon in bulk, and save
OR

3) Diapers - approximate .25 a diaper
Use 8 diapers a day, minimum, then you’re spending $2/day or approximately $60 a month.  But it seems like you’re spending more than that, as one big box costs around $40, if you buy in bulk, or $20 if you get the 80 diapers per box at the grocery store or Target.  There are cheaper versions but they seemed to give Melina a diaper rash.  I buy Pampers and Huggies, depending on the Phase Melina is in.  I prefer Pampers over Huggies any day, but coupons are harder to come by with Pampers.  They have coupon codes on every single box and wipes, but making time to enter those damn little codes online is hard in mommy’s first year.

4) Baby wipes - $10 a box of three packs of baby wipes.
You’ll need three boxes a month.  $30 a month, or buy online at Amazon in bulk

5) Shampoo, one bottle will last you four - five months or so.  $5 - minor expense
Many get this as a baby shower gift, so you shouldn’t have to buy shampoo for a while

6) Baby Tylenol - $10 or so - that you might need every two months or so.  And if you have a dog like mine, you seem to go through it a little faster.  I could buy two or three of these during a cold season.  I choose dye-free Tylenol and Ibuprofen.
Suggest getting a lot of this in your baby shower, ask for 5 or more on the baby shower list - you will use it

7) Teething Medicine, Tablets - $6-$10
At four months, you might need Baby Orajel - that’s about $6 a container, but my daughter didn’t like these.  Spend a few restless nights with a teething, screaming infant, and you’ll be opting for other home remedies.  Hyland’s Teething tablets are expensive at around $10, but these will last 2-3 months and seem to do the trick.

8) Clothes?  $6 a pair of pants, right?  How does that seemingly add up to $100 each time you go to Babies R Us?  It seems that with a few other things, I’m up to $100 once a month, or every six weeks or so.  I try to buy items on clearance, and I have shopped at Once Upon a Child, and of course hand-me-downs are enjoyable.  But always try to buy the next size up, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly she can fit into those clothes.   Ways to save on baby clothes expenses, according to Babycenter.com?  Make sure you’re doing as much as possible to save clothes that can get soiled.  Re-sell your clothes at Once Upon a Child, or similar place, and you can exchange clothes for new stuff.

9) Stain Remover - $10-20 so use coupons
I can’t live without Dreft Laundry Stain Remover - that stuff is magical.  It gets the worst stuff out of Melina’s clothes, even stuff that sets for a few hours.  I’ve tried to go the cheap route, but it seems every time, I end up with Dreft and it works. Buy from Amazon in larger quantities, and save.

10) Baby toys, books and DVDs - $50/month, minimum
You can also buy these at Once Upon a Child - but I was lucky enough to get some of these items in the baby shower process.  I asked for favorite books, or a book list, and most everyone took advantage of the opportunity to send something good.  Most of Melina’s books haven’t cost anything.  DVDs - I’ve purchased a couple at Babies R Us, including the Baby Einstein DVD for 3 mos.  Toys - or swings, bouncy chairs - I purchased them on Craig’s List and Once Upon a Child and saved quite a bit that way.  Also received a few items from friends who no longer needed these items, bringing a big savings that way.

If you’re not getting those items gently used, you can spend $50 a month, on average, on those items.

Baby Einstein DVD’s - these are a life-saver for the working mom, or for a single mom
My Favorite Baby Einsteins for the Baby’s First Year:
& &

A favorite to have on hand in the car:

Favorite books, especially those by Usborne - touchy feely books - we have each of these and she loves all of them!
& & & &

Books that have lift the flaps, or things they can discover - these are favorites after about 7 or so months:
& &

Other things to keep them busy, so you can do the dishes or run the vacuum, or just keep your sanity:
&
Musically Inclined Tots?
& &

11) Babysitting - Approximately $1,600/month - if you use a sitter service, you’ll pay $8 an hour, plus $6 a sit, or thereabouts, or a nanny service might cost $1,200 placement fee, or $300 online processing fee if you do the screening.  THe monthly fee if your sitter is full-time is around $400/week or $1,600/month.

12) Daycare - probably the cheapest option I’ve seen - Kindercare cost about $700/month at the one I checked out in r Ohio.

13) Food, after six months, about $40/month unless you buy a Food Mill and make your own.  For working moms, this is a nice alternative - Earth’s Best Organic baby food:
&

6th April 2009

Staring at Your Child

I have often been asked if I just stare at my child - yes, the answer is absolutely yes. 

 

The pendulum swings from side to side as to the emotion you might be feeling when you stare at your child, depending on what phase that child is in.  This morning, at around 1 a.m. when I fed Melina, the love I felt was a sweet one.  When she was up again around 3:30 and crying, rather unusual, it was a feeling of concern.  By 5:00 a.m., when she awoke again, the feeling of love was enduring.  I wondered why she was crying again and thought of ways to remedy it.  I wondered if it had to do with teething, or something else.  By 9 a.m., the feeling was amusement.  Any discomfort she was feeling was not apparent.  Melina was laying on her back, next to my head, trying earnestly to blow spit bubbles out of her mouth - the spit was landing nicely on my face.  Quite humorous indeed, despite how yucky this may sound.  I saw an opportunity to help her with this endeavor, of course.

All day long, Melina became fascinated by her new adventure of spit bubbles and making noises.  I too began to blow bubbles - of course without spit - and noticed I was in fact challenged by this skilled endeavor.  Hers, on the other hand, were nice little spews of tiny little spits - into the air.  I didn’t have the drool that came with her sounds, which made for better sounds.  How’s that for “scrumptious”?  :-)

 Funny thing though - I’ve been working with her to stick out her tongue - and in most cases, she and I communicate on this level quite well.  Manners - whew!  I’m in trouble, aren’t I?  So, when she tries to blow bubbles, she keeps sticking out her tongue.  I am sure she’s quite confused because normally when we communicate, she has to stick out her tongue.  She probably wondered why she didn’t need to stick out her tongue along with her drooling bubbles.

I can see it now - here’s what I’ve taught my child:

Stick your tongue out

Spit with bubbles all over everything and make funny noises

Laugh when you toot

It’s exciting when you scoot on your back -

Giggle when you get kisses from Mommy

It’s likely, no school will accept us….

Tonight, as she slept beside me calmly, on her side (big step in the sleeping world), instead of in her car seat in the crib (the usual attachment), I watched her sweet innocent angelic face and listened to her breathe.  Such sweet sounds. 

And then just as if the silence couldn’t be any sweeter, she tooted really loud.  I couldn’t help but laugh out loud - and yet, she slept throught it all.

4th April 2009

18 Weeks - A Global Traveller

It’s nearly 10:30 p.m.  I’m sitting in the rocker/glider with my feet up on the glider ottoman.  It’s pitch black with the exception of Melina’s rainforest lighted crib attachment that is playing songs.  Melina is slowly but surely falling asleep.  We had a late night.  Actually the best part of my night was leaning in to kiss her tonight, first on her forehead, and then on her cheek.  When I kissed her on her cheek, and said “kisses from Mommy” - she giggled and shrieked - so not needing much to inspire another round of kisses - we giggled together as she got more and more “kisses from Mommy”.  God - she gives me such joy and fulfillment. 

Melina this morning on a stroller ride and walk with dog
Melina on a stroller ride this morning

We’ve had quite a week.  We went up to Toronto this past week so I could speak at a search marketing conference on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  Melina was quite good in the car, all things considered.  Monday was a very long day for both of us.  God looked out for both of us, and kept me very alert.  Although some caffeine helped, I was amazed at how alert I was, considering the length of the drive.  I think knowing you have a little one entrusting her life to you in the back seat - does amazing things for keeping you awake.

We crossed the border.  I wondered if I would have any issues there regarding donor father.  I was asked “where is the father?”  But no issues - stated my case and moved on.  I had documentation just in case. 


Look at that silly mommy in the reflection of her glasses

The conference was just two days long -and then we returned to Columbus, staying overnight at a friend’s house in Lakewood, NY (near Jamestown).  They were kind to let us crash their house late at night, with the baby in tow.  Not only that but they had dinner waiting for me, and gifts for Melina - amazing kindness.  Thank you Curt and Jill.  I was also able to meet their little 2-year old daughter (turns 2 next weekend).  I had a late breakfast with Gary and Curt, and then M and I headed off to Columbus for a 5 hour drive.  We made it - only a little fussing.  She’s such a great baby.

Melina had some big events in addition to becoming the world traveller this past week. 


Melina is getting her first front tooth - bottom front tooth

She is congested - not sure if that’s related to the teething or if she’s getting a cold from her trip?  Last night, she fell asleep on the way home from the office around 6:40 or so, and stayed asleep until 6 this morning (minus a feeding around 1130).  She then let Mommy go back to sleep until 9 or so.  I still felt exhausted though - and was determined to get a nap this afternoon, which Melina was not happy about. 

She also scooted on her back this past week, in Toronto.  She discovered she could push off with her feet, and up the portable diaper cushion pad which has a slick surface.  She had begun looking up and behind her recently, so when she discovered she could scoot back - that was pretty exciting for her.  All I could envision this morning as she tried to do the same on the carpet with less success - is a child that failed to crawl or walk - but me telling people - well, she likes to scoot around on her back - that seems to work just fine…..

My baby book says I crawled at 6 months - and stood by 10 months, so the former is just 6 weeks away.  I’m in trouble - I have a lot - ALOT of cleaning to do to let Melina crawl around on my floors. 

In the meantime, she’s growing out of everything so fast - I put pants on her that I thought she’d never fit into - and she already does perfectly in fact.  The 3-6 months stuff - yes, fits perfectly - as it should, but it just seemed that those clothes would swallow her whole just yesterday.

Okay, enough for now - Mommy has a bit of a headache tonight and needs to clean the kitchen, do 2 loads of laundry and then well, it’ll be late, late by then.

28th March 2009

An Old Flame 1 reply

I ran into an old flame today - his name is Jay.  We’ve always had the most serendipitous (spelling?) way of running into one another.   The last time I saw Jay was when I was with another boyfriend of mine - hmmm - let’s see perhaps in 2005? or 2006?  I was driving with my now ex-boyfriend, Steve.  I was talking with Steve about Jay, ironically.  And, then all of a sudden, there was Jay on 270, coming out of 161 New Albany, OH exit.  Jay and his big white smile and his purple 360 z.  Yum.  I remember thinking that there was no one on the road but Jay and I.  Where was Steve?  Not in my car at that very moment.  I was thinking about Jay and no one else.  I remember Steve having an issue about Jay - saying my palms were sweating. 

So Jay was this short affair in 2004.  I met him in October 2003.  And there is not one moment that is not encapsulated in my mind - every single moment I can remember, and that’s saying a lot because there are many things I can not remember - like whether I shampooed my hair in the morning - like Julia Roberts in Two Weeks Notice - due to my crazy schedule and amazing responsibility.  Yes, so every single moment I remember with Jay - and we always had the strangest way of running into one another.  When I called things off out of guilt, I began to write cards to Jay - I always imagined I’d have them on me to give to him one day.  I still have them, some 20 or so uniquely written cards.  If you’ve ever seen The Notebook, it’s kinda like that, only I didn’t write Jay 365 days, every day.  I just wrote about 20 cards - I purchased really cool looking cards that mirrored my thoughts that day - and wrote my thoughts down about him.  The rest of the time was written in a journal, which of course Steve found one day - and that did not go too well.  Changed my locks after that event.  Fun.  Major fight because of my journal entries on Jay - and Steve reading them without permission.  Back to current times - that was a long time ago.

Today, I knew I had to go into my pediatrician’s office.  I had no appointment - I just needed  to pick something up.  Turning into the driveway I saw a familiar car coming down the road.  I thought and wondered if that was Jay - sure enough it was him.   We’ve all had that flame at one point - that unfulfilled love at one point in our life, right?  Don’t you imagine, or envision, or play the time you’re going to one into that person over and over.  Yes, well, today, was not the way I envisioned myself in the picture.  I mean, I had on a dress, a fuscia pink trenchcoat raincoat, but I hardly had my hair the way I imagined, nor the lipstick, nor the rest of the whole picture.  I was wearing my glasses - I had two whiskers sticking out of my face (LOL), no mascara, nothing.  Au natural - thank God I was wearing a dress and I had the mindset to shave my legs and put on lotion today.  Whew!

But don’t you imagine you will look extra SPECIAL on the day you run into the old flame?  Yes, not exactly the way I imagined it - four years since we actually had a live conversation in the flesh - and if you saw this guy - you can only imagine what was going through my mind when I saw him.  He’s got the best smile and he’s 6′2″, eyes of blue, sandy brown hair, jeans and a shirt - who the hell cares - he looked good. 

Kinda wierd though, right?  He wanted to see Melina - kinda funny I suppose.  The way it all happened this afternoon.  I had this vision of one day running into Jay, looking gorgeous with Melina in her stroller - looking super cute.  The business woman who had it all - a daughter (Jay doesn’t have children, but wanted a child at one point) - success - sexy stuff - yeah, whatever.  Anyway, today, no mascara, and whiskers popping out of my face - here I was introducing him to Melina who was napping at the time in the car, with the hood of her jacket squarely over her face - like Obie One Kinobi (how do you like that phonetic spelling?).

So, thoughts are with him obviously tonight.  Yummy.  But, instead I’m watching 007 Quantum of Solace - very late at night - with more than a glass of red wine in me.  I just got the hiccups.  I’m a little stressed about the week ahead - a LOT going on - a lot riding on the success of what is to happen.  I’m excited, and imagine it’ll be exhilaration ahead of me - but how much things have changed in a few months.  Tonight, I’m preparing for that, after a very long, long night with M - I’m trying to wean her off of the carseat in the crib - and it did not go well - 2 hours to get her to sleep - and lots of high-pitched crying.  Lots of holding, rocking, singing songs you don’t know the words to, telling yourself you really do have to memorize those words sometime, lots of stress. 

By 10:00 p.m., M still had not gone to sleep peacefully - waking up every half hour or so.  An intense night without a doubt.  So, I cleaned out my car and began to watch James Bond with more than one glass of red wine.  M woke up at 11:30 or so, again, and I tried to feed her formula which she did not enjoy, but tolerated.  Half a bottle later, and off I went to 007 - he’ll have to do tonight.  It’s after 1:15 a.m. and I’ve hardly paid attention to him.  I’m just now cooking dinner, but one thing did happen tonight that was truly fun - a friend stopped over to get something late tonight.  I let Lucky run after this friend - down the road - at high speed - without a leash - for a few minutes - it was fun to watch that.  My dog was happy.  Freedom  - if for only a moment - and perhaps what I wanted for only a moment - remembering my own freedom back in 2004 - and the crazy things I did with Jay.  Sweet memories - sweet freedom, but without a doubt, as I listened to Jay today - talk about material things - and only material things - I realized how much my life had changed - the most important “thing” was not a thing at all - it was and is not material - it is a human being - who is my daughter - and the only “thing” that matters in my life.   Sweetness defined by holding your child so close - a giggle, a toot, a hand holding tightly to your own,  a toothless grin, a chuckle, a smile that is as wide as her little face, chipmunk cheeks, trust as she looks up into my face as she lays back in my hands and arms as I wash her hair in the sink, and a smile to top off the trusting look - that I am her mother - that I am her provider - that we are together and that is ALL that matters at the end of the day.  This is what I call a fulfilled love - and it’s amazing - like nothing I would have ever imagined - but could only have hoped for.

24th March 2009

Melina is Four Months Old Today (well an hour ago) 1 reply

Okay, so it’s already the 25th and I should have written this a few hours ago but Melina turned 4 months old today (yesterday).

Melina at Four Months
Melina at Four Months - Almost - Taken About 2 Weeks Ago

So this post will be very short - as it’s very late - and Mommy is very, very tired.

But M is doing wonderful.  She’s giggling - that’s perhaps the most exciting part of our day now.  On our frequent walks now, we have stick out the tongue competitions and we giggle together - well she in response to my incessant giggles to get her to chuckle and giggle.  I must look very funny leaning over her stroller, sticking out my tongue, and faking a good giggle.  But then when she lights up a smile, and begins to chuckle and then giggle - my laughter is no longer faked - it’s in genuine delight at how Melina is responding to my goofiness.

The last couple of days she has taken to my lap where she can push back and we have “wee” (as opposed to “pee”) moments - she acts like she’s falling back from my lap to the bed (not very far of course) - and of course she’s in my hands all the way back - but she likes it. 

Well - I told you it was a quick one - lots to do - press release just went out about our new application tonight at 12:01 a.m. EST.  Much to do…..

 More when I have time….

14th March 2009

Sometimes I Forget I Have a Baby with Me - Well, For a Nano-Second 1 reply

Today, Melina and I went for a walk.  We cannot go on a walk by ourselves when there are two rescued pets who like to take walks.  As soon as I say, “go for a ride”, or “go for a walk”, then Lucky, the dog, gets very excited.  She runs to the stairwell, and sits there ready for me to put her harness and leash on.  Then Bentley, the Sealpoint Himalayan rescued cat, decides he wants to go too.  Have you ever known a cat who likes to take dog walks?  Bentley loves walking with the dogs.  In fact, he runs much like a dog, and reminds me so much of Cody, my chow (even the back of Bentley reminds me of Cody - very thick across).  So, we all head out through the garage and into the street for our walking adventure.

Melina and the kids
Melina’s Excitement, and the Kids
On a Walk Today (whoops on the finger)

Most of the dogs in the neighborhood know Bentley, and he gets along well with some of them.  With others, he stays behind like a smart kitty.  Lucky on the other hand, is often all over the place, getting retrained to walk with control since I had Melina.   She seems a bit more protective and high-strung on a walk since Melina came along.  But that’s also because she is not getting twice daily walks, and that’s an issue with a higher energy dog like her. 

Lucky and Bentley on dog walk
Bentley way ahead of the pack
Lucky trying to catch up, pulling a bit

So, off we go on our walk, soliciting looks from passersby.  Most people know about Bentley and greet him, or roll down their window to admire the cat on the dog walk.  I figure it must make quite a picture, myself, baby in stroller, dog and cat in tow. 

Today  - where you see the red car in the corner of the picture above, there was a collared, well-fed cat.  Bentley went after him, and in fact chased him up a pine tree.  I immediately followed them to break up the fight, and for a second, realized I had just walked away from my baby, in the stroller, yes, in you guessed it - hmmm hmmm.  Shocked I turned back and figured the cats would be okay.  What the hell was I thinking or not thinking?  Sometimes I still have to pinch myself to realize that I’m in charge of two of us, and the others are just along for the ride.  We went for three rounds, and Bentley got sidetracked himself when a terrier dog came up and barked at Lucky.  Bentley decided to take a safer route home, and so we lost him for about 15 minutes.  He hugs the yards in most places, and if I say to him WAIT - BENTLEY - WAIT - if a car is coming, he will look right at me and stop, or go under a parked car or hide behind a bush.  And then when it’s safe and the car passes, or dog passes, then he will come out again.  Pretty funny.

We walk quite a ways with Bentley and Lucky, and then we take a couple of laps, weather permitting, without them.   We see neighbors who come up to admire the new addition of M.  Today several people were out, and we got to catch up with a few neighbors I hadn’t seen in a while due to the cold weather. 

12th March 2009

Baby Finger Jam - YUMMY! 2 replies

Finger Jam

Okay, so I knew about toe jam, but did you know that babies can actually get finger jam?  Yes, you see that cute little Buckeye baby up there sucking on those fingers?  Well, enough of that can lead to finger jam.  I was looking at her hands the other day and noticed some seriously wicked black grime in between her chubby little fingers.  Of course all that sucking and slurping and drooling - well, you can only imagine the environment that is fostering the growth of finger jam. 

 Cleaning in between the chubby little fingers isn’t the easiest thing to do, but what is easy is listening to Melina’s sounds.  Her sounds are so incredibly sweet - they can literally melt your heart and bring a smile to your entire being unless of course there is crying involved.  Those sounds are not sweet and they can bring you to your knees in a non-physical way.  But M’s sounds in the morning - are great.  We wake up and we have activity gym time where she kicks her arms and legs in passionate form.  She coos, and even sometimes makes a wild sounds that I can’t possibly try to describe in written form.  But I love hearing her sounds - and am tickled by the addition to my morning routine.  Her eyes pop wide when I’m cleaning her hands and feet at the sensation of warm, soapy water.  The sounds and visualization of a happy baby brings nothing better I can possibly imagine to my day.

Yesterday I was talking to my parents - we were talking about the economy and its affect on clients, our respective investments, and other matters.  I said things were tough - but at this moment while I was talking to them, all was perfect, because I was with M - and looking and listening to her was perfect tonic. 

 Melina - Pensive

I have not yet captured a picture of her face when she lights up in genuine delight - but it is amazing to see this develop.  I can walk up to her at various points in the day, smile at her, and she will top the charts with a return smile.  It changes her entire face and its a heart warmer and a tension melter.  No matter how tired I am at that very moment, or frustrated at the lack of sleep for nearly four months, once I see that smile and her excitement to see me - it’s all good - so very, very good.

Feetsies

 I can put up with finger jam, or toe jam any day - and if sucking on those hands with that much slurping is making her happy - then I am more than willing to clean those little chubby fingers with warm soapy water each day.  I thank God for her not nearly enough.

28th February 2009

Normalcy Resumes - Motherhood is a Game of Resourcefulness & Efficiency

Yesterday, Melina went to her first funeral.  I’ve attended few funerals in my life, thankfully, but this funeral was different because I was taking my daughter to a former boyfriend’s grandmother’s funeral.  I dated him in my 20’s for ten years.  We never married, but thought we would at one time.  I was very close to his family during the time we dated.  We’ve stayed in touch over the years.  He’s since married and divorced.  He’s now with another woman.   I had not seen his family in nearly ten years.  So Melina and I travelled out to Newark, Ohio for the funeral. 

I sat with Melina in the back of the church.  I looked at the family that filled several aisles towards the head of the church where the casket lay.  I saw how the three brothers all looked a little older.  I watched one of the granddaughters with her 6-month old daughter.  I remembered how she was just a kid when I was over at my boyfriend’s grandmother’s house for Christmas.  How was it now that she was old enough to be married and have a kid?  It was so wierd to see her bouncing her baby, in her church clothes with white stockings and white shoes.  It reminded me of when I was a kid, and dressing up for church on Sundays.  It reminded me of when Mom had to keep us quiet in church, which was always a bit of a challenge with three kids.  I thought of how time passes - so quickly - thinking of my own childhood, to the time I had with Christopher and his family - and how his cousin now had a young baby. 

Melina was great the entire time she was in church.  I had previously worried about taking her to church, wondering if she’d cry, have a meltdown, or who knows what, perhaps just a way of procrastinating from going to church.  It’s always the first time you take your baby some place new that you are nervous.  However each time, there have been few or no issues and I look back afterwards and wonder why I was so apprehensive.  Each time I experience something new with Melina, I feel like I’m resuming stages of normalcy.  I’m experiencing the first stages of motherhood and loving it.  I am in awe of experiencing life and how others interact with you when you have a child, or perhaps a newborn baby.

Back at the church, while everyone went to the burial site, I remained behind with Melina and looked at the pictures of Marjorie, Christopher’s grandmother, and how she looked in her various life stages as wife, mother, grandmother, and even great-grandmother.  I realized how much Marjorie’s granddaughter looked like her decades ago, when her grandmother was young.  We had lunch with Christopher’s mom and step-mom.  I’ve always felt so at ease with them.  Marian doted on Melina and held her.  She offered to make Melina a quilt and asked what colors I’d like.  I told her anything but pink.  I had enough pink.  Melina fell asleep on Marian’s chest and was entirely at peace in her arms.  I therefore was content, feeling normal, like I could be this mother I had always dreamt about.  People took pictures - and people wanted Melina in the picture with them, increasing my feelings of normalcy, where Melina was included amongst family, even though this wasn’t really my family, but it could have been and once was at one point. 

It seemed odd to be in Newark and not see Grandma Henthorne.  I wondered if everyone would convene for holidays now that Marjorie and Earl were both gone.  They were the mainstay for holidays - she was a good person - a really good person. 

Melina and I left and returned to Columbus.  I was exhausted.  We both napped and then I returned to work, and to catch up on projects left unattended during the day.  Motherhood is a never-ending journey where you learn to be efficient in all walks of life, to fit it all in.  As we take our first steps of this journey together, while it can be a bit challenging at times, and stressful, it is a good journey and one I cannot imagine having missed.  It will all pass so quickly - there are days where I think before I know it she will be walking, riding a tricycle, and then I jump to seeing her in highschool, college and beyond.  Will I get the chance to be a grandmother having started so late in life?  Questions I don’t worry about - but they cross my mind when I see someone else’s life captured in pictures. 

I need to check on my sweet sleeping baby - and capture the quiet moments, and make use of the time I have to catch up on everything else that got left behind during the day, or the week that has so quickly passed us by.

21st February 2009

I want to blog but am too tired to blog 1 reply

I haven’t written in two weeks plus.  My head hurts so bad right now - I had the flu this week - and my daughter is sick.  My daughter turned 3 months this week, well 12 weeks that is.  Despite my screaming headache that hurts all over down to my neck - I do have something to celebrate - and that is the excitement of being a mother.

But I’m simply too tired, too illin to blog - so will come back another day when I feel better.

3rd February 2009

Identifying with Dr. Cuddy on House - Balance of the Working Mother

I love my daughter.  I love holding her.  I love watching her.  I love hearing her toot-toot at the funniest times.  I love seeing her grow.  I get excited when she shows me her first smiles, and for the first time responds to hearing her name.  I love producing food for her now - because I can.  I’m not as thrilled about the diaper and wardrobe changes, or my own for that matter, but I can get over that. 


Melina Sacked out at Northstar with Mommy
2/09

I also love my brain and what it does for my clients, despite how egotistical that might sound.   I am thankful for a brain that solves problems and figures things out (that at times no one else can).  My brain earns a little more money than I can as a babysitter, or Mom at home.  I enjoy solving problems - although at times I get frustrated with the problem at hand - or the responsibility that it brings as I try to hand it off to others so I can be a Mom) but it’s what pays the bills around here.  I’m getting to the point where I need part-time help here so I can do more with work.  And thus, comes the challenges of a woman who wants to be a Mom, and is responding to the natural desire to be a Mom, but also must work, or needs to be mentally challenged in some other way than stay at home.

 In the first year, there are so many first discoveries for both of us, simultaneously, that I don’t want to miss them.  You’d think I’d want to get out of this maddeningly disorganized house - whew - who knew so much could pile up and you’d have to get used to looking at things left undone in order to take care of a baby.  Sleep trumps organization, work trumps sleep, eating healthy gets trumped by interruptions and schedule, baby trumps all, and so the list goes on.


Melina Just Beginning to Wake Up

 So, as I have grown to enjoy watching House on Fox, I can identify with Dr. Cuddy (spelling?) as she tries to be a Mom, in addition to doing a job at the hospital that no one else can.   Her house was overly disorganized - she’s embarrassed - yet how I can relate.  She’s trying to do it all.  Be a Mom, clean, work, or a little bit of everything - and yes, on her own.

My job requires a tremendous amount of thinking - in order to solve people’s problems in where few others can.  It’s like House - or Hugh Laurie’s character.  He researches, tests, but in the end - the problem is solved when he thinks of something novel - and realizes the answer is right in front of him, sometimes a rather simple answer that cures the patient.  At times, I have been criticized by a select few people for over-thinking however, that is what I do every day to run a business - constantly thinking out solutions for a million different things - to survive and to thrive on several different levels.

And, that is what’s hard - to hand off to someone else - because very few people have to solve other people’s intricate technical search engine problems all day long - and those of us that do - have to figure out solutions to things that are novel everyday.  There is no one solution for any of these problems.  So, I can at times think as I try to balance clients, account management, employees, vendors, product development, industry changes, colleague networking, new technology updates, along with a diaper and wardrobe change, and adaptation to a baby’s sleep schedule - that I am ready for the babysitter to arrive any moment.  And then, I realize that it’ll be the first time I hand my child over to someone else and trust that they do even half a good as job as me taking care of her.  Or, worse yet, what if they do a better job?  Will I be jealous?  Will my child be okay?  Yea, lots of questions here.

So, I can not procrastinate much longer - I need to find someone who’s certified, registered, comes with great ratings, and that will work four hours a day, three to four days a week, so I can focus on Biz during that time.  However, I also want babysitter and daughter with a hand’s reach and thus, at my office or home, where I am until she gets a little older.  Mathematically, it makes sense - it’s a no-brainer.  But emotionally, it is hard as hell - to entrust your child’s care to another.  As mothers, we naturally want to be with our children that we have birthed from our wombs - we want to be there, to nurture.  I don’t want to miss a moment.  I want to be present in her life.  I want to enjoy, to savor, to love.  She is such a gift to me from God.  I am so lucky - but I also must work to provide for us. 

Tis the challenge of the working Mom - and as I have watched the last few episodes of House - I can truly relate to Dr. Cuddy’s struggle of what it’s like to want to be a Mom, and at the same time, have to work.