6th May 2010

Mother’s Day - Looking Back to the Day I Became a Mother

On November 24, 2008, hours before I delivered my baby girl, I wrote this blog post.  I happened across it oddly tonight.  I am thankful that I wrote throughout my pregnancy and what I called “fertility journey”.

http://www.laurathieme.com/a-fertility-journey/hours-away-from-delivering-baby-girl-melina.php

I re-read this tonight, and I cried, which is rare.   I am so very thankful to be walking into Mother’s Day weekend as a Mother.  Thank you God for your kindness in making me a mother.  I can now say I am now enjoying the sound of being called “ma ma, ma ma!”  Life is to be appreciated.

11th July 2009

BPA in Plastics - Dangerous For Baby But Not For You?

If I didn’t have a baby, I wouldn’t have known about the risk of BPA in plastic.  I noticed that Medela bottles, and all of its breastfeeding supplies were BPA free.  Everything breastfeeding-related that the baby would come in contact with, or I would and then in turn, give to her, was BPA-free.  I didn’t know much about BPA, and wondered why other baby bottles weren’t BPA-free. 

Within weeks to possibly two months, I noticed more products were becoming BPA-free.  For example, Playtex bottles were BPA free but not the liners that you’d put in the nursers.  Well, that didn’t make sense, did it?  But sure enough, within a few more weeks, Playtex drop-in liners were also BPA free. 

BPA Free Nurser Bottles - but not the liners
BPA free nurser, but not the liners
Liners purchased late 2008

BPA-Free Drop in Liners from Playtex
BPA free drop-in Playtex bottle nurser liners
Purchased February-March 2009

So then I began to wonder about the plastic formula bottles, containers, baby food, pacifiers, teethers.  Why weren’t they BPA free?

And what about all the plastics we have in our lives?  Water bottles are just the beginning.  When you go to the grocery store - any food or drink item of ANY kind that is in a plastic container  - is it BPA free?  Does it say its BPA free? It’s become a bit of a marketing phenom - if a baby product is BPA free, moms are buying it, and thus it’s clearly labelled like you see the box above.

I’m not an expert on BPA, but check out TreeHugger’s site on what they say about BPA in plastics, water bottles, etc.

TreeHugger’s article on plastic water bottles, specifically sports water bottles

An excerpt from TreeHugger.com’s article linked above

7 Ways to beat BPA, in order of Importance:

1. Ditch the clear plastic baby bottles, right now. All the research that says there are problems point at the effect of the estrogen-like BPA on children as being the most significant.
2. Tin cans are often lined in plastic BPA and sit around a long time; get rid of older tin cans, particularly if they contain tomatoes and other acidic fruits.
3. Don’t use your polycarbonate bottle for hot drinks.
4. Polycarbonate bottles get crazed and cracked as they get older; that increases surface area. Get rid of old ones.
5. Replace your Polycarbonate bottle with a Sigg, Kleen Kanteen, or the new BPA free Camelbak, particularly if pregnant or pre-pubescent.
6. Replace jugs where water sits around a long time, like Brita knockoffs. (Brita says they are BPA free)
7. Stop using jugged water cooler water, get a filter and cooler that uses city water. It is a big jug so there probably isn’t much of a problem, but why are you drinking bottled water anyways?

Don’t worry about polycarbonates in non-food related products like CDs and DVDs. but keep them out of babies’ mouths. (TreeHugger.com).

So, as of today, I noticed that teethers, pacifiers and more plastic products in the baby aisle at Kroger are BPA-free.

I also noticed that a baby drink product, called FirstJuice, was in BPA-free plastic. 

What about bottled water that you drink, foods contained in plastic - is it BPA free? 

Even of more interest is to see the viral video that’s a hit on the Web - from Evian Bottled Water.  They used over 70 babies to film their new viral hit. 

Here’s my question - did the producers realize that Evian plastic water bottles contain BPA and there is particular concern about its affect on children and infants?  Will Evian, who has been associated with “pure” water as a brandname, be the first water bottle manufacturer to become BPA free?  Their slogan, Live Young, is particularly ironic considering we may link this to breast cancer and thus, they might die young.  Sound extreme?  How many women do you know with breast cancer, or who have had breast cancer?

BPA is known to have estrogen-like affects - from what I’m reading - concerns about babies, children, possibilities of breast cancer in women, and other problems.

 So, don’t take the risk.  Don’t take the FDA word on it - that plastic is fine.  If there is enough research to cause baby product manufacturers to phase out BPA in plastics, shouldn’t you do the same?  Don’t buy products with BPA in it - or that don’t say BPA-free.

Isn’t what we put into this little mouth important?  As important as she is, what you put into your mouth matters just as much.

Taking Care of Baby
Melina in 2009

Do it for your health and hers too.

Postscript:

Links regarding BPA in water bottles and other plastics products, including baby products

Marshall Democrat - News - re Water Bottles & BPA
Katie Couric on Bottled Water vs Tap Water

Babies & BPA

Sorry, comments are closed due to amount of spam, and despite AKISMET spam key in Wordpress - still getting several a day to moderate -

15th May 2009

Mother’s Day Weekend - The Life of Single Mom is Not Bad 1 reply

Somedays I forget to breathe.  Other days, I’m doing so much, so fast, I’m half-laughing at the insanity of it all.  Last weekend, I had the best Mother’s Day Weekend.  Perhaps because it was my first mother’s day - perhaps because I trekked to Maryland and Washington, DC to spend the first Mother’s Day with my Mom and Melina.  I stayed with a former client who has become a friend/colleague Friday night in Cumberland.  Saturday, I travelled to see Susan who had come all the way out here when Melina was born.  It was the first time I met her children.  From there, I went on to Cousin Tina’s house where their rottweiler and son’s german shepherd met us.  I had dinner with Tina’s family and caught up with them, after 15 years.  I couldn’t believe that much time had passed since we last were together. 

It’s wierd.  In some ways, having a baby makes time go by so much faster.  Yet, in other ways, you slow down more to savor the tiniest moments in your personal history.  You want to make the most idiotic moment - in  a funny way - last forever.  The first rollover, the first reactionary smile, the first word, the first applesauce OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? moment, the first time she reaches for herself in the mirror and you realize you haven’t buckled her in the car seat moment, the first time she sneezes BOOGIES on your arm, yes, actual boogies, the first trip together, the first  … amazing series of “moments”.   This is what is so exciting about being a mom, perhaps just a first-time mom, but the glory of being a mom is wonderful at the age of 40.  I’m thrilled that I’m taking the time to slow down and notice all of these things.

Ironically, I have less sleep in my body than I’ve ever had in my life.  College life and partying - in my 20’s - I still had time to catch up.  I never went this far, for this long, without sleeping more than 6 hours in one stretch, or the norm of 4 hours in one stretch.  Any man who wants to challenge me on “I’ve been there, done that” - just give me five minutes.  I can obliterate that in a heartbeat, unless of course, you’re a single parent with 100% custody and no live-in nanny.

There are a lot of benefits to being a single parent.  I don’t have to argue with anyone about how I’m doing this.  Not having help means not having to disagree on every single little thing you do.  It’s rare that I find a person who is happy with their mate at all times, and on top of it, agrees with them about every little bit of child-rearing.  Many of my friends have admitted privately that doing it single, raising child on your own, isn’t such a bad idea.  It sounds hard as hell, but you don’t have to put up with the time of having a relationship.  Sometimes I’ve dated a few men that have been nearly as needy as my kid.  Although I’m thankful I never had to wipe their a**es. 

So, celebrating the first mother’s day was time spent with friends and family several hours away from home.  It could not have been a better day.  I am thankful for the time to share with Melina, and for bringing me closer to family members. 

It’s 1:14 - and I’ve got a Powerpoint I just uploaded to LinkedIn.  I’ve erroneously somehow deleted something I had created tonight and fixed part of it, I think.  I’ve watched Grey’s season finale (which was quite good).  I’ve breastfed, fed applesauce, walked her twice around the block, talked to neighbors, talked to a colleague of mine who is preparing landing pages for Bizwatch, had a 2 hour client consult, a 2 hour email marketing review, and a couple of calls with my contractor at the office.

What I did not make time to do today?

Upload pictures to Flickr, transfer video of Melina to my computer, and integrate with this blog - but another time, right?

7th May 2009

My First Mother’s Day

I received my first Mother’s Day card today from a neighbor who has been extremely supportive of my fertility journey - and is enjoying Melina’s first year with me.  I’m very excited about this Mother’s Day - I could only hope this time last year that I would get to see such a day and experience it as a “Mother”.

I have such an amazing new understanding, respect, empathy and affection for Moms now that I’m lucky enough to have my own child.  The amount of work that goes into a day as a working Mom, much less a single working Mom with newborn, is utterly amazing.  In fact, it’s exhausting.  It’s not so much taking care of baby that’s exhausting - it’s the work we do to keep up the house, the laundry, the kitchen, and everything else that goes into “running a household”.

I’m looking forward to Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, for a variety of reasons.  The only thing I might fantasize about - could I just sleep for 24 hours straight?  That would be my desired gift as if I could get such a gift - sleep, no laundry, no cleaning.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  I could just hold my baby and listen to music like I did for two minutes today.  We could just hang out - that would be a perfect day - you know, without all the work, right?

Here’s a recap - just the highlights of the last couple of days - the insanity at times of my days….

Despite being a business owner and working mom, single working mom at that, I try to fit in a stroller walk around the neighborhood with the dog, sometimes even the cat, and Melina.  The other day, while giving the rescue cat Bentley his walk, with Lucky the dog, and M in her stroller, some family stopped me on the main street of our neighborhood.  The man rolled down his window and asked, “That IS a CAT, right????”  Meanwhile, the little Asian kid and Mom stared at me in awe from the back seat of the car.  Yes, it is a cat, I responded, referencing Bentley.  I quickly explained that I didn’t make him this way, I INHERITED him this way (see previous blogs and pics)

Back to the house with dog-like cat who thinks he owns the road, actual dog, and Melina playing with her hands and realizing she could pull a cloth apart - very exciting motion to observe for her.  I watch her as she suddenly stares at her right hand, and watches it move in different ways, back and forth, back and forth.  Despite the dog walks, my dog Lucky continues to drive me nuts.  While I walk her in the evenings, it’s not easy to do this before I head to work.  She’s a very high energy dog, but of course, when I want her to pee on command, or poop on command, that simply does not happen.  I tell her that she has 2 minutes to poop - that I’m going to workout before I go to work  - and I’m going to be late - and tell her to hurry up.  She stares back at me, looking like I’m about to beat her.  Her head droops, her eyes look somber - and yet, I don’t feel guilty, I just get mad.  I remember when Cody (my chow of 12 years who died last year) used to be this way - and how I felt guilty when she died that I was impatient with her at times.  That wisdom however does not stick with me at the moment I wish my dog would “hurry up and go to the bathroom”.  I tell Lucky as I pull her inside with her leash - and tell her to “go lie down” and “don’t you dare poop or pee in this house while I’m gone” and hope I’ve instilled the fear of God in her so she won’t misbehave. 

Off I go to workout with my trainer, to lose the 24 lbs I still have post-baby gain.  I take baby with me - and hope she cooperates.  In general, she’s great.  She falls asleep but before doing so, fusses, so I ask trainer if I can do lunges around gym, and push stroller, in order to please baby but also please trainer.  Honestly, I could care less.  I just going through the motions.  I find myself so exhausted during the workout.  I’ve been up four times the night previous with Melina because she’s beginning to “roll over” and was getting stuck, crying, and needing help and consolation.  I’m so exhausted my trainer is irritated with me - my male trainer - who told me that his girlfriend with child had to sleep in other room - ’cause he needed his sleep if he was going to work…. I tell him to cut me some slack and gulp down the Powerade hoping for an energy boost.  I try psyching myself out that I’m not so tired - but I can feel the workout is taking any last bit of energy I had faked myself to think existed.

I come back from trainer, walking with stroller and baby.  I’ve lost my garage door opener, as yet another sign that only new moms, or working moms can understand.  I’m forced to go through front doo [keeping typo as this is only fitting - read on] where baby bird nest is.  I gently open the front door, let the dog out, bring her back inside, walk thru the garage, outside - and back in the front door again, this time with baby out of stroller.  What I haven’t noticed is - the dog poop - on the front door rug.  I’ve not only missed it with my eyes, but I’ve stepped in it, unawares, and have tracked it for a good while.  I’m now infuriated with the dog.  I make sure baby is okay, tell dog to run away for good, and put her outside on the leash.  I yell some more at the dog and hope the neighbors hear me.  Does this sound like anything you’ve ever done?  In fact, I encourage her to run away, in fact ask her, beg her - please run away.   In the event anyone thinks I’m abusing the dog - I’m ready to tell them what a bad dog she is.  I am ready with my “story”.

I go back inside and begin the cleanup job.  I think about my baby girl and am glad she is not crawling yet.  I make sure the cats don’t run through it.  I clean, and clean and clean.  I grit my teeth and think - I can clean up my baby’s poop.  I can scoop litter.  I can bag a dog’s poop on a dog walk - but I will NOT deal with it in the house.  I was just gone an hour.

In defense of my dog - I might add - that she only had a few minutes to poop.  I had not made time to “walk” her on this particular morning, just the night before.  I had only let her out in the front yard for a few moments.  I recalled the time when my Mom would complain when I was a child and needed to go to the bathroom at some untimely moment - why didn’t you go when you had the chance, she’d ask?  Well, Mom, I didn’t have to go then. 

Today was easy related to the dog and cats.  There was no walk.  There were no issues, because I worked from home.  I thought I’d go to the office.  I had a babysitter scheduled.  I was supposed to be a day of handling a lot of marketing work.  I am excited about the front door wreath bird’s nest on this day - as there are new babies today - perfect for the approaching Mother’s Day.  I try to take a photo of this exciting moment - but a glass light fixture drops from the SKY, or the kitchen ceiling and shatters into a lot of pieces, down to dust all over the kitchen.  An hour and a half later - I’m taking a phone call from a contractor who has a client issue and a computer problem.  I try to resolve the situation by phone, but suggest she comes here.  I end up with four computers, in my kitchen and living area - all working at once.  I did not even sit down while I solved problems during the day.  Twelve hours later, I think I’ve resolved that issue - and all related issues that came up.  One problem, one phone call - 12 hours!  Where did my day go?  I got nothing done that I intended to get done. 

So, sometimes being a Mom is cleaning up a LOT of messes.  Often, as a business owner, this only compounds the fixing process every day.  So in addition to cleaning up glass that worked itself into many crevices in the kitchen, I fixed a garage door opener without any guidance, restored a computer file or part of it, and solved the contractor’s issues.  I fixed a client problem, I think.  While all this was happening, I entertained my child. I worked around her short 30 minute naps, read to her, moved her around from swing to bouncy chair to floor to tummy time, and back again - worked with her sitting up - took joy in watching her sit up and read a book - dealt with not having a babysitter ’cause she had car problems, and yet even fixed dinner for a friend and myself (ravioli & chicken).

While I guided my contractor through the problems on the computer and the client’s issues, I fed my girl rice cereal and reveled in seeing her take her fingers and run it through her mouth to see what it felt like with all that food in her mouth.  I watched her run them across many surfaces including herself.  I later breastfeed.  I got her to bed - early - only to have a friend arrive to try to fix the garage door, which I has just figured out on my own.  I got Melina back up, as I knew I’d need to fix my friend dinner since he was trying to help me.  This ended up getting Melina to bed around 9 pm, which is way too late for a baby, making her crankier than usual.   Back to the computer and trying to fix my client/contractor issues - re-running reports - and all of a sudden it’s 11:30 by the time I can breathe or do something for myself.  Heaven forbid I want to have a phone call, or get stuck on the phone.  Cleaning tonight - well something else had to sacrificed since I worked instead.

I did not do laundry today.  I did not walk around the neighborhood today.  I  did not finish my marketing presentation or get to the 12 emails from my Dad regarding a client.  I did not check in with them at all, as I should have.  I did not clean the kitchen after tonight’s dinner.  I simply worked 12 hours, and took care of my child with joy.  Considering the news headlines these days, of other children who were abandoned, left to run in the streets with a saturated diaper, thrown from a car in Florida, and tossed into an oven over a boyfriend/girlfriend argument - I’d say our lives are great - we are together and we are happy.  Admittedly, humorously, Mommy’s tired and found a grey hair in her eyebrow at the age of 40.  I think I look like a 90-year old woman when I wake up for the fifth time some mornings - but we are happy being together, being present, and being healthy.  And if you wonder why I still make time for a blog once a week - well, sometimes it’s the only fun thing I do on my computer, and I need that - a release of some kind. 

Now, it’s time to retire for the night. 

1st May 2009

Life without TV (ABC’s Private Practice) Could Be A Good Thing 2 replies

Most of you know that I’ve been through four years of fertility treatments that ended on April 1, 2008 with a phone call that said, “You are definitely pregnant”.  I’m happy to say I have a wonderful 5-month old baby girl now who lights up my day. 

I chose to embark on this fertility journey as a single, 40 year old female technology business owner, guest lecturer (taught course for two years) at OSU, and a public speaker on the speaker’s circuit for over 8 years.  I’ve travelled to a number of countries with others, but mostly by myself to speak on various topics related to marketing yourself and your company on the Web.  I’ve seen a lot of amazing things, done some crazy things, like going to Antarctica to see penguins by myself, ya know, the normal things we want to do in life, right?  But never has spring been so enjoyable as this year.  It’s amazing how crazy life is, but when you have this child in your arms, how much better you want it to be with her in it?  You want to do better things, contribute more, keep your center, and focus on what’s really important in life? 

When you have a daughter to share the joys of life with - then it’s just simply amazing how you can keep your focus when times are difficult when you know she is the reason you keep on truckin’! 


Melina (5 Months Old) Last Friday, the 24th - having giggles with Kim, friend of mine

So that’s why I have to write about tonight’s Private Practice Season Finale episode regarding Amy Brinneman who plays Violet.  Catching a TV show as a new mom, single working mom, business owner, is hard to do before 10 p.m.  You’re putting the baby to bed before then, and by the time 10 p.m. rolls around, you are simply exhausted.  You consider cleaning, doing laundry, working some more, but occasionally you just want to veg out in front of the TV, and think of nothing really all that important for one hour.  You might want to be entertained by TV, inspired, let down, stirred up, but the question I ask is do you want to be grossed out?  Do you want to be disgusted by what you see at that hour?  And, in recent weeks, I have on more than one occasion felt disgusted by what I’ve seen on 10:00 TV.  CSI Miami, The Medium and tonight’s ending season episode of Private Practice seem to be getting worse in terms of the “gross” factor.  I expect in a late night drama some suspense, silliness, good acting, tears on occasion, whatever.  But what I don’t like is wierd story lines that don’t have any impact other than to gross you out.  Sounds like I grew up in the 1980’s, doesn’t it? 

I can no longer watch CSI Miami.  I have begun to wean myself off of Medium, due to last couple of episodes.  And now, Private Practice needs to be banned personally.  Perhaps it’s because I just wasted an hour of watching a single, intelligent, pregnant woman Brinneman/Violet lay flat on her back (which as pregnant women we can’t do because it would harm the baby) for hours, and try to talk her “killer” out of killing her and her baby.  She gets a bloody nose smashed in face a bit, and her patient begins to “cut” her belly, and Violet actually has to tell her how to cut her so she doesn’t injure the baby, even though she knows she will die?  The “killer” paralyzes Amy Brinneman’s character, “Violet”, so she can’t move, so she has to just “lay there” while someone takes her baby out of her very pregnant belly.  Yuck. 

All I can say is that can’t networks do better than this?  I can’t watch LOST anymore because I can’t follow it.  Anytime you need captions to figure out what the hell is going on - that’s a good time to turn it off.  If I wanted to view captions on TV, I’d rent a foreign flick on PPV cable.  Any mom I noted on Twitter.com tonight re Private Practice was saying the following, “deeply disturbed”, “disgusted”, “WTF”, “sick”.  Now, is that what ABC’s writers want?  Is that the goal?

Do we want to sit in front of the TV and be disgusted, sickened, aghast, and deeply disturbed?  Apparently.  That’s what’s wrong with our society, right?  I mean, as if the World News isn’t all of these things already?  Swine flu, unemployment, people starving, trying to get a job, keep their families safe and healthy, but why do we choose to watch such crappy stuff late at night?  And don’t we already have sleep disorders?  I do.  I am up at 1:40 a.m. blogging and Twittering about being disturbed about something so that I don’t dream about it tonight.

We need positive light on our life.  We need to do good.  We need to not sink further down into misery and gloom.  Misery begets misery - haven’t you heard that?  As a marketer, I often have to write about the good things - in fact, I search for the good things.  I encourage ABC, NBC & CBS to search for something good to write about - don’t you know how to be creative enough to write something positive and yet be good drama?  And as Americans caught up in the passion of the moment - we need to get excited about something positive, not disgusting as a pregnant woman ready to be cut up by her possible killer as she lay there, helpless, while her dysfunctional men fight over her but none have yet rescued her.

Perhaps, it’s because I’ve been a victim at one point in my life.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve chosen to fight back.  Perhaps it’s because I choose a positive outlook over adversity, or something horrible.  I chose to create life.  I choose as a result, not to watch a TV show where life is taken away as good drama.  Life is death, but there is no reason to see a show where death is sinister, and the norm in every show.  Blood and gore does not need to be what encourages my REM sleep that night.

I choose to hug my child, to love, to laugh, to endure, to lead …. to inspire …. to believe in something better.  ABC, do something better with your writing next season.   If I want to watch blood, gore or “corpse porn” as an NPR commentator said recently, I’ll choose “CSI”.

24th November 2008

Hours Away from Delivering Baby Girl Melina

It’s 1:24 a.m. and I’m due at the hospital by noon.  I’m delivering Melina today.  As I write in the most comfortable spot I can get into, she is quite active in my womb.  It’s her last night inside this warm, cozy place.  Maybe she’s ready to take on the world, if she’s anything like her Mom.  Her movement the past day or so is whole body movement - she stretches across the tummy.  She is still breech, but I believe she has dropped a little the last three or so days.  I can see my rib cage again at the top of my sides.  And my lower back pain and sciatica has intensified. 

When she stretches inside of me, it’s like she’s doing yoga.  Her head stretches on the tummy wall, and then subsides.  I feel her most when I’ve taken the time to sit down and prop my feet up.  She seems to have a bit of a routine in utero at this late stage.  I can’t believe I’m sharing the last hours with her inside of me.  38 1/2 weeks - of carrying a child inside of me.  Such amazement at what the female (and now female turned male) body can do to support this growth that becomes a child.  I am ready for this part of the fertility journey to end.  I am as prepared as I will be for the next phase - life - outside the womb, in this world, and all its challenges.  I am blessed to have made it this far in this pregnancy and fertility journey.  There are so many women who have tried to get this far, and have not.  I am lucky.  God was kind to me.

It’s harder to move at this point - At this stage, you are just plain bigger than big.  You’re huge.  People get nervous when you go shopping - they’re afraid you’re going to break water, and force them to deliver a child, something they are hardly trained in doing.  I feel  and look much like a walrus - although thank God I don’t have those teeth hanging out of my mouth - ;-)  A few less rolls too - but still huge, just huge. 

So now, it’s time to focus on Melina’s arrival - her safe entry into this present world.  I pray to God that she enters without trauma, that the doctors and nurses and staff are able to bring her into this world without complication.  If complication occurs, I pray it’s minor and lasts only temporarily.  I pray that I, her mother, am protected from harm during surgery and c-section recovery.  I pray that I can support her as she needs in the coming hours, days, weeks and months, which God willing turn into years that pass us by.  What grace we have to be healthy and sound mind and body.  Even better to have a gracious heart that can give a person compassion - and that I can share this with Melina.

It’s time to turn in, to try to sleep - one last time before my life changes for the better, God willing.  I thank God, friends and my family members who’ve made this easier on me - who’ve saluted my desire to have a child - regardless of their own personal opinions.  I thank all who’ve checked in with me this weekend to see how I’m doing. 

It’s showtime as some would say - I try to think not so  much about the surgery as about the outcome - and by the time I’m retiring “tonight” Monday night, I am with child in my arms, or nearby, and I’m experiencing the most wonderful thing in the world - a healthy child, a healthy baby girl - a dream I’ve had for many, many years.

We’ll announce on www.twitter.com/bizresearchlmt for sure, and hopefully through www.twitter.com/laurathieme but the latter is not yet hooked up through my cell phone.  For those of you who follow me through Facebook, it’ll also be announced there.

21st November 2008

The Work Day Is Ending - & I’m Getting Uber Excited 1 reply

I have one more phone call to go.  It’s 6:25 EST and I’m getting excited.  I can’t wait to settle into my Friday night, prop my swollen feet up, watch some silly TV (Ghost Whisperer & The Mentalist on CBS Tonight), and smile with thoughts of next week.  Work is pretty much set - transitional stages and needs have been met, and I’m feeling a sense of calm come over me.

I did have to run to the doctor today due to that headache persisting for three days, and swollen feet.  I have to take something prescribed by the doc to help me rest tonight, and stay off my feet.  Yes, I am supposed to actually “act” like I’m a prego woman about to deliver my baby girl on Monday for the next 48 hours.  I’ve had a flurry of activity over here today from people helping me get things done.  It’s all good.

 Just one more hour of work, and then I’m done for at least a week…..  After that, I might check an email, but no work for a while - my staff can take care of my clients, vendors, etc.  Everything will be okay.

A Week From Tonight - I’ll Be Home With My Baby Girl, Melina

Can you believe it?  It’s officially Friday morning, but I’m counting this as still Thursday night - and yes, in one week I’ll be home with Melina, my first child, my first baby girl.  As she stretches around in my belly, late at night, still high in the tummy and in breech position, I wonder what she’ll be like outside the womb. 

People talk about “meeting her”.  I can’t wait to hold her.  I can’t wait to have that breastfeeding, motherly moment.  I can’t wait to provide something to her that she needs, straight from my own body.  God intended women to breastfeed and if we’re lucky, really lucky, the body works the right way in order for us to provide this.  I talked to a pediatrician the other night, at an open house in Dublin for expectant parents to meet pediatricians.  The doctor encouraged me to talk to the nurse about bringing Melina to me to breastfeed immediately, while in the delivery room.  My OB says, the recovery room is fine - it all depends on the hospital, nurse and doctor - but I want to push for a latch-on in the delivery room.  Of course, the latch could take a while, not just hours.  But this time with her, next week, is going to be hard but wonderful at the same time.

I’ve been weepy for a week now.  It doesn’t take much on TV, or something that goes my way for baby Melina to arrive next week, to set me off in a teary way.  Good tears - don’t get me wrong.  I’ve received a lot of help from so many people in the past nine months - in unexpected places mostly.  I feel very privelidged to have this fertility journey come to a conclusion in the next few days.  I am very lucky.  Your well wishes about Melina being lucky are nice as well - but I have yet to prove that to her in my opinion.  For now, I can say that I have benefitted most at this point.  Because a dream I’ve had since I was very young, to be a mother, is coming true.  I chose not to become a mother in my early 20’s, like many women do.  I regretted that decision years later.  But at 40, I am thankful, so very thankful for this opportunity.  I hope I can provide her what she deserves.  I pray she is healthy, and that my recovery is healthy as well.

Gratitude to God and to my friends is not enough, but all I can say is thank you to all who’ve read this fertilty journey from Day One, who’ve emailed me numerous times in support, called me, sent gifts, and continuously shared this passion, this desire of mine to be a mom.  I thank God for giving me the wherewithall to have a child, to endorse science, and to allow me this path, this journey.  Regardless of your personal beliefs, in my opinion and experience, you need God, science, and positive energy.  You need to believe that it’s possible.  And then you can’t give up when it doesn’t work the first time, the second time, or for me, the tenth time.  If you believe, you keep trying, and keep believing, and then take care of you and your spirit within.  It’s for all of these beliefs and energy over the past four years, that I’ve got this chance, this hope of meeting my daughter in just four days.

My tears well up, thinking of this moment.  I can’t watch a baby being born on TV without crying now.  What a moment you must feel when your child comes out of your body, and she makes her first noises, cries, and they pass her to you.  Thank you for that moment, that expectation - I would have at times, thought it wasn’t possible with my body - as a single woman, but in a few days, I get to believe based on what I see in front of me for the first time.  In the past, it was only hope, and now it will be reality. 

While tomorrow is heavy work responsibilities, Saturday is work-related and finalizing things around the houe, cleaning, etc. - Sunday will be quiet time I pray - to reflect, to anticipate, to prepare for yet another physical journey, a c-section delivery, to bring Melina into this world.  I seek your well wishes, your positive energy, your prayers on Monday and next week for both Melina and I.  We pray for healthy mind, body and spirit for both of us. 

16th November 2008

Back Pain Sets In

Tonight, I’m hurting, really hurting.  The sciatica was bad yesterday but tonight, after a grocery store run to stock on things for weeks, my back pain has settled in to the lower back and won’t go away.  There is no relief.  I’m walking slow enough as it is, but I am not enjoying this.  At the same time, as I settled into the glider & ottoman to try to sit up straight yet put my legs up, Melina stretched around inside and made me forget the pain for a few moments. 

 I thought for the first time last night of her not being inside of me.  How strange that must be in the beginning - on one hand, you’re relieved to have a little less pressure (like 10 lbs of pressure weighing on various body parts) - on the other hand, it must be wierd to see her outside of you. 

There is no comfortable position at this point.  Every woman I know that has had children talks about how uncomfortable it is towards the very end - the part they do not miss. 

I ran into a neighbor friend of mine tonight at the grocery store.  She is getting excited about meeting Melina.  She just had a baby at 35 or 36 a year ago.  I remember the last couple of weeks for her.  She was miserable.  Two of the women in my childbirth class were miserable at the very end as well.  But as my friend said, you forget about the pain when you see your baby.  Okay, I’ve got work to do tonight.  Unfortunately, work to do.  At this stage, you do not want to work really at all -you’re uncomfortable and just want the time to pass. 

There is just one week - I know - you keep saying that to me - but right now minutes seem like hours when the pain is bad.  I actually wondered if I was going into labor - while water has not broken nor the plug - but the sacral back pain isn’t letting up.  I guess grocery store runs and errands are about out of the question.  Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day.  I go for my last non-stress baby monitoring test and physical exam.  The doc will tell me what he thinks.

11th November 2008

Two Week Countdown - Dr says Baby is Big!

Now what exactly does that mean - had my two week visit today - where they do non-stress test on Melina, and a rather uncomfortable physical exam.  They test for B-strep I think - and check Melina’s heart rate, if they can get her to move, etc.  Anyway, doc says things look good and we’re two weeks away. 

 The nurse also said I had some things going for me in terms of this c-section versus my last myomectomy surgery two years ago.  She said that my c-sec would be easier the next few days to recover from versus the typical c-sec where women “labor” for 20 hours sometimes and then end up still having the c-section.  I would go straight in, deliver Melina in several minutes - and then they’d sew me back up in about 45 minutes or so.  If all goes well, of course.  While I’d be recovering, I’d also have the adrenaline of recovering with my new daughter as opposed to the distraction and pain in pure recovery time from the last surgery.  It also means that due to tiredness from being with Melina, my recovery time could be longer from that perspective.

 In any event, I’m focusing less on the surgery now and more on the visualization of her being with me, breastfeeding, bonding, and ultimately coming home the day of Thanksgiving. 

Melina's Nursery
Melina’s Nursery; LT at 36 weeks (9 mos)

Can you believe how big my belly is?  Let me tell ya - that is one big tank of a belly - I’ve never been one to emphasize belly weight - I’d be more likely to gain it elsewhere.  But, while I can see swelling and weight gain in my entire body - the tummy where Melina has grown is amazingly hard now as we enter the last two weeks.  Discomfort reigns somedays - and then other days it seems livable.  The doctor says the last couple of weeks are like this - that new discomforts and ailments are not unusual as the blood flow increases throughout the body, and we work hard to “fatten” Melina up for delivery time.  Melina should be about 6 lbs by now, and 19 inches or so, depending on the source.  The doctor doesn’t do an ultrasound to determine that - but in a physical exam today - I guess he could feel her and said, “She’s big!”  So, what does that mean, Doc?

He wasn’t worried - only I am asking that question when I recap it to a friend of mine tonight.  Why did I choose a donor of 6′2″?  Seemed to make a lot of sense when you’re 5′4″ and your family is a little on the short side.  I think the tallest man we have in our family is like 5′9″ maybe.  Women tend to be taller than the men in some cases.  So, I knew I needed to shake up my gene pool - and so I figured get a tall donor, skinny too - well moreso than me - do healthy things right?  ;-)

But as I can no longer bend to do much of anything, as I feel Melina’s hard rock of a body inside of me, I can wonder if she’s going to be long/tall, or right on target for weight, etc.  All I know is that her movement is stronger than ever inside, and her rolling sensations are really uncomfortable as she moves across the tummy line from one side to the next. 

Well, it’s time to watch the late show - I have a meeting I can not forget about tomorrow - as I did last Friday, and a full day of projects tomorrow afternoon.  I pray for a good night’s sleep in continued anticipation for what the next two weeks and beyond bring me/us.

7th November 2008

Final Two Weeks to Go - Last Days of Pregnancy

Boredom is not my problem.  I read about the 36th week, and how boredom is sometimes a problem.  They talk about how heavy you feel in the lower part of your abdomen - how the baby is righting herself for delivery - how at any time now - the baby could come.  They talk about your growing discomfort - that she’s 6 lbs typically by now, and 20 inches - almost two feet of baby in my abdomen and six pounds plus fluids, etc.  I’ve gained almost 30 pounds during my pregnancy, and let me say, I feel every ounce. 

In the past week, Melina feels more like a baby moving inside of me, than a body part kicking here and there.  Now the entire belly rolls as she moves about inside.  Her space is limited and sometimes it seems as if her head is resting hard against my tummy’s skin and will just come straight out any minute. 

I’m getting excited as we get into countdown mode here.  Months became weeks - soon weeks will become days - days will soon become hours - and here she will be, in my arms, in front of me, here.  I have packed the diaper bag and it’s in the car.  The suitcase is almost ready - the remaining things I needed I got last night.  The only thing I have yet to get - I’ve been to three places to get the car seat certified and no luck.  “They no longer do that.”  So, one more place to go, and then after that - it’s up to me to figure out how to knock that car seat down into the latches - 9 months pregnant and all.

I called four of my friends this week to help out, three who ran over immediately within hours to help.  I was panicking about my “list of things to do”.  I completely forgot an appointment today - two and a half hours later.  I have misplaced my cell phone charger.  Yesterday, on the way to the office, I figured I could charge the cell phone in the car - but then I misplaced the cell phone itself.  Giggles.  Ugh.  It hurts to laugh now.

My belly button looks funny - kinda blue around the button part.  I never got the outie that so many people have.  I never got stretch marks either - yay.  I’ve seen some scary ones in pictures.  I got lucky.  I never got hives or anything that made me seriously itch during pregnancy.  My mom did with me she says.  I have not cried incessantly for no reason.  I’ve weeped for good reasons - like losing the twin early, early on, but I believe that God took good care of that baby’s soul inside of me.  Otherwise, I’ve had a good pregnancy despite the typical aches and pains.  Okay so I suffered and do suffer from insomnia but there is a lot to do around here.  But really, pregnancy has been a journey of discovery about my body and what can go on inside of it.  I was able to work out with a trainer twice a week during pregnancy up through mid-September.  I’ve done prenatal yoga through YogaOnHigh, in Powell, Ohio, and I’ve not had any serious cravings or aversions during pregnancy.  I finally in fact, got over the issue of c-section delivery which took months to deal with.

Now as Melina enters her final position (she’s been breech for a while) and final stages of womb life, and she and I get ready to meet, I feel excited about her arrival.  I’ve come to admire all women who go through pregnancy, gracefully even moreso.  I’ve come to admire those multi-tasking women who balance work and home along with children.  And for those who do it with a smile on their face - amazing!  ‘Cause it ain’t easy just getting through the pregnant part.  It’s really hard by the way, on the fun side of things, to even concentrate during a meeting about high stakes business issues when your belly is moving about and your baby girl is moving across your bladder and r—–um.  If you’ve been pregnant, you know what I’m talking about and it does NOT feel good. 

The other day at the election booth - the guy said something about not believing I was 40 (he was 50 plus), and I told him, believe me, if you were to see me struggle to get out of bed with this big load of a belly, and see me where I can hardly even bend a ligament due to stiffness and pain - you’d think I was 80 years old.  In fact, I’m sure I look 80 too.  It does NOT look pretty or graceful, guarantee you.  My cat of 18 years doesn’t even want to sleep with me anymore.  Some nights, he just sits outside my door, on the steps, and looks at me when I wake up.  Imagine Garfield saying, “Ew, Geez, get a shower or do something with that hair of yours.”  I do not look as relaxed and slumbered as Monroe and my dog look below (see blog entry of November 5th).

My belly is so big now that I could swear my breasts have just all but disappeared.  I mean I’ve gone up in sizes, up there, but they look a little lost next to the belly that extends almost 90 degrees out from below your chest margin.  TMI - right?  Yep - I hear ya!  I’ve looked at nursing clothes - who would have thought, after so many years of hoping for a baby.  I was in line last night at BabiesRUs and the woman in front of me somehow commented on how breastfeeding gave her boobs she never had before.  She had a 7-month old child in her wake.  It was kinda funny, because I actually noticed the very attentive 7-month old sizing up my belly.  I mentioned it as being cute to the mom, who in turn said she’s probably noticing that my breasts look different than hers, the mother’s.  Considering the mom had about a 40 Double D, like I’d even know, I imagined that was possible.  But I laughed that a child would notice - why doesn’t she have breasts like you Mommy?  In any event, I was convinced the child was looking at my oversized belly, not my breasts.  Hee hee.

I’m now on a new kind of mailing list, despite my do-not-call, do-not-mail status.  I’m getting catalogs for baby stuff, young child stuff - all for Christmas.  I get to think about Christmas gifts for my baby girl for the first time in reality.  Before they were just dreams and odd-placed children’s books I’d buy hoping for the day Melina would be here in reality. 

So, as I occasionally retire to Melina’s lilac-tinted room at night, lightly illuminated by a tiny vintage pink miniature lamp, and turn on the sound machine and listen to the ocean waves (which by the way, I think, were the reason I was so busy dreaming about boats and ships of every kind - see earlier blog entry), I soon fall asleep peacefully and dream of her arrival.  I may not sleep for long due to discomfort, but I have no problem falling asleep.  One of the girls from work was over this week and said it felt very peaceful in the room - very calming.  Considering I still have my office desk setup in the room, it’s amazing that despite office tech, a room can still emit a sense of calm knowing a young child is about to enter its presence and become the center of attention.

1st November 2008

Sleep Deprivation 1 reply

Every parent I know, and observe, especially as their children are young, is sleep deprived.  Before I got pregnant, I would occasionally suffer from this, but always recover.  I’d have an odd sleep pattern on occasion but it usually surrounded SES conferences or something big at work.  I’d always catch up though.

Since I’ve gotten pregnant, my sleep is wacked.  Truly wacked.  It’s not unusual to get 45 minutes here and there, two hours here and there.  The idea of me doing something early in the morning, and staying up all day is unlikely.   My body is telling me that Melina is coming soon - more than knowing the actual c-section date.  I’ve officially succumbed to the waddle -

I tried to find an animated GIF of a duck tail waddling but have not been successful and considering the late hour and my early morning trip ahead of me, I figure I better stop looking for that. 

I took two naps today, about an hour and a half each time, but my head feels like it’s expanding - it is hurting.   I’m going to go to sleep, or try to.  Sleep is no longer fun except for those 1.5 hour naps - when exhaustion takes over and sleep is definitely possible.  The kind where you don’t move a bit once you’ve settled into a near-comfortable spot. 

I can tell Melina’s movements are different now - I feel most of her, although her position seems to have stayed pretty much the same.  I am getting her car seat certified/installed this weekend after a visit to a client’s colleagues site tomorrow.  More nesting takes place, more things to take off the checklist. 

I got the oil changed and was interested in the number of women in the Jiffy location.  Both took one look at me and asked me how soon I’m due.  Women are more than gracious - asking lots of questions and their faces simply light up.  They always ask about the grandparents.  Funny.

Okay, time to slumber or try to slumber.

31st October 2008

Godparents, Baptisms - Preparing for Melina’s First Beginnings & Future

In addition to the work stuff, the nursery stuff, a couple of additional things have been on my mind.  I want to have Melina baptized in a Catholic church.  I was baptized and in fact am lucky enough to have the Christening gown that my Mom passed on to me many years ago.   I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools, and was very active in the Catholic church until I was about 19 years old.  You know, about the time you start meeting men on your own, outside the house, kinda thing if you get what I’m trying to say here.  Wasn’t exactly going to church as often then - became a little misdirected in life - made some mistakes, some really big ones, and had some not so good things happen along the way in something we call the Path of Life.  ;-)

Okay, fast forward 21 years - I’ve been going to Vineyard in Westerville for many years now, but have never joined the church because of my belief in my Catholic baptism.  I love the pastor and his message.  I don’t agree with everything, but am amazed at his leadership, inspiration and what an amazing community service that church has become.  I don’t always go to church, as it’s a reminder that I’ve sinned in order to have a child on my own, but I do enjoy the message most times.  I love the worship, etc.  For Christmas, I’ve always tried to do the Catholic thing, but after I do the Vineyard thing.  So, I hear the modern contemporary message at Vineyard, and then I go down to the Cathedral and enjoy the ritual I grew up with - Midnight Mass, etc. 

I don’t agree with either Church on everything - I don’t subscribe to everything - obviously - but appreciate and respect both churches for what they bring to the table.  So, now it’s time for Melina to be born, and of course, baptism is on the mind.  I thank my parents for raising me Catholic and Christian.  If I didn’t have the rules and rituals growing up, I might have been a worse kid, or more ignorant to what I was doing during my 20-s.  I’ve not been a great Catholic by any means, nor do I think it’s the only solution but I do believe in many aspects  of the Catholic church.  I also respect and admire other religions, and the cultural traditions experienced by many in other religions.  I love history, and thus, enjoy my Jewish pastor, turned Christian, because he has an amazing ability to talk history as much as he can integrate current life’s lessons with past historical influences. 

So, now what about having a set of god parents for Melina, as well as a Catholic baptism?  Even if I’m single, and chose to bear Melina in a less -than- Catholic kinda way.  Will the Catholic church embrace my desire to have her baptized in early 2009?  Second, what about god parents?  Is it important for god parents to carry this similar desire out, and be present?

What is god parent etiquette in terms of religion etc?  I have asked two very close friends who I admire to be the god parents, but one concern of religion definitely came up - who would be the Catholic and the Christian influence for Melina, if I wasn’t around? 

Anyway, time to turn in for the night - but things to ponder - as I prepare for her arrival.  Friends of mine talked about Christmas and whether or not I would be able to have Melina at their house for Christmas Eve.  I can say this, while I haven’t been the perfect Catholic or Christian here - there is no place other than Midnight Mass and Vineyard that I want to be on Christmas Eve.  I have a lot of thanking God to do here - there is no other celebration I’d rather share on Christmas.  I can not tell you how many Christmas’ I’ve experienced dreaming that one day I’d have a present under the tree for my child - and this year, God willing, I will indeed have that first present under the tree for Melina - but she’s the best present of all this holiday season.

30th October 2008

Election Time, Babies to Deliver, Economic, Environmental Changes - Oh My!

What an amazing time we live in - It’s 2 a.m., I have insomnia, partially induced by a doctor’s visit this afternoon, and some chocolate delivered by a colleague of mine and a little late nap, but it’s also motivated by changes that are upon us.  I’m writing some thoughts here - so forgive my lack of organization as it is 2 a.m. in the morning.

postscript - the main reason I can’t sleep is that I have to sleep sitting up now - I can only sleep for about 45 minutes on either side - so if you can sleep for seven hours sitting up with a big tank in your belly - without discomfort - well you have something I lack apparently  -i’ve always loved sleep - but 35 weeks pregnant - there is no more love affair with sleep - only frequent cat naps will do

 I have watched way too many hours of pre-election TV coverage in the past months, really since the conventions in August.  I’ve been nearly glued to the television and various networks to see what everyone is saying.  I’ve read the NYT, WSJ, and listened to others debate the issues.  I wonder what the next month will hold for all of us.

First of all, I’m going to deliver a baby - so, in less than one month, I’ll be home with my first child.  I’m one of those few people they debate about - the undecideds - on CNN.  I think people should be concerned that a week away, I’m still waffling over McCain/Palin versus Obama/Biden.  David Gergen on CNN is talking about the undecideds typically making their decision within the last three days of the campaign.

I have to admit - I’m energized by Obama’s intelligence - he knows how to run a smart campaign.  Truly.  He doesn’t follow all the rules - and yes, McCain can get upset about the way Obama raised money - but credit card donations can be followed within time and documented and exposed.  So, I’d get over it.  The fact is, that Obama knows how to motivate and inspire people - and for many, no, for millions it’s working.  His motivational 20-minute infomercial inspires me too - but reality is so much harder to endure, and to enforce change throughout that time.  But regardless of whether Obama inspires you - can he enforce change throughout Congress?  Can he limit taxes meanwhile improving healthcare?  Can he pull out of Iraq and maintain diplomacy in a broken country where damages are extremely high?  Can he threaten to chase after Osama bin Laden, Al Qaeda and prevent nuclear war in Pakistan, or supplies falling into rogue hands, without spending the same amount of money as Bush has in Iraq?  Wars are expensive - regardless of how unpopular they are.  I’m not for Iraq - never have been - we should have been in Afghanistan -but we refuse to fight the way they do - I’m not sure we’ll ever win because we try to fight a traditional fight.  How can you cut taxes when governments state and local are broke? 

So enough about Obama - and what I’m not sure he can do, or for that matter, anyone can do in four years.  Regardless of what Obama promises, he is one intelligent person - and he knows how to persuade an audience.  What’s sad - is how easily it works for some people.  On the other hand - because of his intelligence - because of his persuasive capabilities - he just might be able to approach problems in a very different way than in previous years.  That encourages me, but it’s also a risk.  Will he really be able to deliver - because his rhetoric is over the top at times.

Now, compare my thoughts on Obama to McCain/Palin.  I always liked McCain - for years - not so much as a presidential candidate but as a senator.  I think Palin rocks when she’s able to - I imagine it’s hard to be all things to all people this late in the game - and give her credit for surviving thus far.  She’s had some hiccups - but they’ve all had them - and I can get past most of hers, even though I might disagree with her on a few things, like stop shooting wolves from planes, help the polar bears, and why exactly are we choosing to drill in a refuge?  But those things can be discussion points - I can hear both sides - but you’re going to have to do more than convince me as to why this will help more than hurt our planet?

What I have disliked most about the RNC and McCain/Palin is the negativity.  Stop assailing your opponents - we’re over the negativity, why can’t you be?  If Obama wins, as I suspect he just might, he has won mostly due to intelligence and inspiration.  In bad times, we all need a little inspiration.  Regardless of how much Obama’s critics might talk about his rhetoric, myself included, it works for people.  Many people have never led a team, an organization, a business, or an executive team.  Inspiration is key, as is delivery.  The latter part is what concerns me with Obama.  Will he be able to deliver?  There are many people who are 100% ignorant as to how difficult it is to deliver change at all levels, without pissing off many.  Will Obama come up short, as others have before him? 

Now, having said that, sometimes Republicans and their way of thinking or approaching a problem reminds me of true governmental ‘intelligence’.   And as I was talking to a friend the other day, there are alot of people in government who are not the “smartest” people in the world, or the most accomplished.   We need a new way of thinking, but we can’t forget our history and what we’ve learned thus far.  I salute smart people, who accomplish a long list of tasks, who have energy to keep moving when times are hard, and make good decisions.  When they don’t make the right decision or the best decision, they have to be able to recover quickly and keep going.  I think Obama can do this.  I think Palin can do this.  I think McCain has done this, but going forward will he and his Republican colleagues be able to continue at such a pace?

Clinton, Powell - - do they really believe in Obama or do they know it’s a career-guarantee?  Few are behind McCain.  Palin has a love/hate relationship with Americans.  Women either hate her or love her, the former out of ignorance in my opinion.   Now here’s a consideration - don’t kick me on this one - What if it was Obama/Palin?  Forget party lines for a second.  Forget liberalism versus conservatism?  People have jumped party lines before.  I like new thinkers - and people who enforce change at all levels, regardless of popularity.  Regardless of the assaults made by either party - both Obama and Palin inspire change at many levels - but I’m not sure what Obama has really done in his senatorial past, or before that.  I still don’t feel I know what he’s accomplished.  I know what the Clintons did in office.  I know what McCain has done before.  I am learning what Palin has done. 

We can’t just expect change to occur within the executive governmental staff?  It has to occur within the Senate, within the House, within society, in fact, really within society.  It trickles down to change at your and my level.  What are we willing to do differently?  You can not blame all problems on executive leadership.  Well, you can point the finger there, but turn the mirror on yourself.  Banking, regulations, healthcare, housing crisis - there are so many problems because we are not personally and professionally managing our finances as well as we could be.  We want more than we can have.  And that is the driving force in economics and politics. 

So as long as we want more than we can have, as human nature demands, and we’re constantly chasing the cheese on the rat wheel, our society is in peril.  We can hope for better leadership, but truly we have to change the way we work, the way we act, the things we want.

I too suffer from this problem - I want the fancy career.  I am already missing running around with my colleagues who hop from conference to conference, to client to client, all around the world - something I did for 12 years.  But at the end of the day, at the end of the conference, I lacked going home to a family - I lacked having a child to inspire me back, I lacked some of the basic fundamental hope outside of my business world.  I have to now balance having a child (or more) with running a business, and sometimes it scares me.  Can I do it?  Am I capable? 

It’s not so bad to be inspired by a lifetime change, a lifetime decision that will be about more than just me.  In one month, I will be home with a daughter who will change my life.  As she is active in my tummy right now (my stretched out uterus that is up in my heart’s real estate and rib cage by now), as I write tonight, while I’m scared about the unknown, scared about the economy, life’s changes as a woman trying to solve problems for both clients, employees, students, and vendors - as well as herself, and her new child - I can stop worrying and feeling fear - and I can start doing something.

I met with my doctor again today - only two more visits before I deliver Melina.  I see women in childbirth class, or prenatal yoga who are preparing to deliver - and realize I’m next on the dive platform.   I see them dive off the platform and know it’s my turn next.  I can only hope and pray and begin to visualize something good post c-section date.  I’ve made it this far, now it’s time to make it a little further - and come home with my little child.  I can then look forward to the Christmas holidays and ending this year with a “family”.  It won’t just be about me.  It’ll be including her in everything.  I have chosen her to inspire me. 

So next week, I will vote on who will lead our country at both executive government and state government levels.  I will vote on numerous issues.  But regardless of whom I vote for, I know that it’s up to me to bring about change in my small world.  I can’t expect a bailout.  I love it when I get help, but I can’t wait for a bailout - and I can’t expect one person to change every part of my life and make it easier for me. 

26th October 2008

A Continuation of Funny Pregnancy Dreams

I’ve written about my funny and strange pregnancy dreams before and put them under the Invitro section, if you care to venture into that section.  You can find it on the right.  I’ve had a couple of interesting dreams the past couple of nights, that I figured it was time to journal them.

I had my first “delivery” dream.  Before, I would dream about the baby already being here, grown, but this was the first delivery dream, which makes sense now that I’m four weeks out from a scheduled c-section.

Many people have said to me that Melina will come early - I know a few women who’ve delivered early, as much as four weeks early, which is exactly where I’m at in the pregnancy stage.  Four weeks to delivery date.  Holy camolis (I say camolis instead of cannolis).  ;-)

So, while I’ve got everything planned out, as much as plans can take place, for the week of the delivery, which happens to be Thanksgiving, there is no way that any doctor or I could predict the actual arrival date if Melina chooses to come earlier.  Since movement takes place mostly during the evening, after 7 p.m. until around 1 a.m., which is then followed by another bad night of sleep and discomfort, it’s even more telling of my obvious concerns of the delivery date and what might happen.

I need a c-sec because of my fibroid surgery, or technically known as myomyectomy, which I had two years ago.  It’s due to the uterus reconstruction as well as the incision type and the risk for uterine rupture.  I fought my doctor on this several times but gave up on it the last time he warned of catastrophic risk to me and/or Melina.  Being single girl, and certainly wanting to live another 40 plus years, I let it go finally.  But in my pregnancy dream the other night, Melina came early, naturally I might add.  In fact, I was going to have to deliver that baby myself it turned out.  It’s funny the visuals that clearly come to you in pregnancy.  I didn’t recall labor pain or anything like that, the baby was simply just down there - I could feel her head.  But the visual I had was one of those adorable baby dolls, and her face was facing out, just like one of those little perfect baby dolls.  I laughed because that’s hardly what you see in pregnancy videos - the baby has just been through quite a journey, and hardly would arrive in such a perfect state. 

Yesterday morning, I was cleaning and came across an old FitPregnancy magazine - on the cover of which - said, “How to Deliver Your Own Baby”.  This was a little too much coincidence for me to handle, regardless of the randomness you can imagine.  They referenced a few supplies you should have, including a baby eye and nose aspirator and a sterile pair of scissors.  Things to add to the car emergency kit?

So, last night, I dreamt there was a painting on the wall of my deceased cat, Max, who died back in late January 2008.  I miss him at times.  I was studying the painting on the wall and its likeness or not-so-likeness, but then at that moment, Max walked across my bed.  I knew it was him, because I could feel his belly paunch below.  I hugged him and loved on him.  Then I noticed that the nearby window in my room, which was quite high up, had a screen flapping.  I could see Misha already heading out the window.  I went over and saw that all of my cats had decided to jump through the window.  I was concerned they would fall down the shingles several floors below.  I was able to rescue each, but as soon as one got inside, another appeared to be outside, somehow. 

I know that Misha is in his final days - he makes a lot more noise than he used to - and basically what all these dreams are about is being to take care of another, in an innocent state where they are truly 100% dependent on you.  I am worried at times that I won’t be able to take care of a tiny baby - but know that’s normal from all I’ve read about any first-time mom.  As I hold a cat, I try to tell myself that I’ve not been afraid to hold many a rescue animal, so why am I afraid of holding my baby the first time?  I won’t break her - another common fear of course.  These are very normal fears so don’t read too much into this blog post, for those of you who might.

 I look forward to meeting Melina and holding her, to seeing her face, to cradling her in my arms, to hearing her, to watching her, to being with her.  The other night as I was driving back from some place, and as I admired the silence in my car, I realized that soon, there will never be a silent moment (or for long that is), in my car, or in my home again, or wherever I go.  I will always have Melina’s sounds (good, bad, loud, crying, you name it, right?). 

As Melina gets bigger, harder and longer in my uterus and tummy, and as her presence is very known at night these days, while I don’t enjoy the discomfort I love the response communication I am now forming with her.  The other night she was in a very uncomfortable spot.  I was up at night, and her head was protruding a bit from my tummy.  I moved her a bit, and sure enough, she responded and moved into another spot, which was more comfortable for mommy, and hopefully for her?

I loved feeling her response to my hand on my belly.  I look forward to a more engaged response when she sees me for the first time, and we get that first moment of communication.  As that only lasts for a while, right?  I see children of all ages definitely not responding to their parents in stores - screaming at the top of their lungs - and I can only chuckle inside.  For now, it’s all a quiet amazement of wonder - that will change in a very short period of time - which I hope is four weeks long.

21st October 2008

Melina Thieme - Already #3 in Google - Despite Not Having Been Born Yet

My little girl, Melina Thieme, while not yet born, although pictures posted already on Flickr of her ultrasound, is popular on Google already.  I’m so sorry Melina.  I’m afraid you’re a star already, beyond just what I think of you, you’re #3 on Google.

You can now Google Melina Thieme and find blog entries about her.  My high school profile of “Laura Melina Thieme” is also right above this, which makes me laugh.  It’s only 22 years old, and yes, you can now guess my age, and know Melina’s namesake origination.

It’s funny because sometimes I Google people that have lived 30 years or so, and there is not one result to be found in Google, Yahoo or MSN at all on their name.  But Melina, my unborn child, already has three search results dedicated to her.

Now when we get links, that’s another ball game.

At the recent SMX in NYC, we talked about what we agreed upon as far as electronics, Facebook profiles, cell phone priviledges, etc. for our children.  As I listened to my nephews talk last week, in Massachussets, I was astonished to hear a 13-year old, and an 8-year old talk about their iPod Shuffle desires, as well as their knowledge of music that I thought would be off-limits to children.  But what can you do?  How do  you keep your children protected, yet not make them “wierd” because they have no access to the normal stuff?  Electronics is everywhere. 

While I plan to post pictures on Facebook, and through emails to friends, clients, and family - of course Melina will not have her own Facebook or Twitter account - but when she’s old enough to start asking for cell phones, iPods, and whatever has developed by that time, how does one say No, and yet, not prevent educational development?

Aren’t books, life outdoors, and natural stimulation enough for a period of time?  Where do we draw the line at controlling children’s influences versus development?

I grew up without TV for the first 13 or so years - only on holidays.  But as a result, I was more book-read than I surely am now - and the outdoors was our playground.  We went on biking excursions as a family, we played games indoors and outdoors, and TV excursions were fun at Dad’s office - there was popcorn and soda and a movie every so often.  Those are good memories.  I can also remember getting interviewed after Church, and at the breakfast table by a local Alexandria, VA TV station, or perhaps it was a paper (what do I know, I was in highschool or in 8th grade - so don’t remember specifics) about us growing up without TV, except for holidays.  I want the same for Melina - I want the outdoors, books and educational games to be her playground.  Not electronics.  Not butt-sitting activities - but taking the root “active” and making life a little more fun by not sitting around playing electronics games, or watching TV.

I say all of this now - all dreams - and not yet reality facing me.  It’s so easy to wish for something when it’s only a dream.

In the meantime, I’ve already corrupted Melina with the Web - she’s on Google, #3, and she experiences the Web only from within the Womb at this point.  But her presence is known to me for sure - as I sleep, walk, work, exercise, and day-dream.  She is #1 already in my book.

19th October 2008

It’s Often Said You Can Judge a Person by the Shoes They Wear 5 replies

by Laura Thieme

I’ve been known to have a thing for good shoes.  I refuse to buy any pair of shoes from China, or in fact, any place besides Italy, USA of perhaps Spain.  I admit I have a pair of Manolo’s, purchased a couple of years ago while at the Wynn in Vegas. 

Manolo's Sandals

I’ve got a couple of Pradas and a couple of BCBG shoes.  I do not have Jimmy Choos, yet.   I’m not excessive in my opinion, but I do have a love for sexy shoes. 

Rhinestone Heeled Shoes and Red Toe Rhinestone Pedicure
Rhinestone Pedicure & Shoes for NY SpaFinder.com Event
Pre-Pregnancy

So, while being pregnant, it has been difficult to put aside my love for sexy shoes.  In the first trimester of pregnancy, I was determined to wear jeweled shoes.   They were Stuart Weitzman jeweled black patent sandals.  While they may only have a small wedge, I thought I could still get by with a little feminine style.  I am also very much an open-toed shoe person, so to reduce myself to clogs or slippers was just not likely as some suggested I should.  My massage therapist joked that I’d likely not be long lasting in my jeweled BCBG open-toed sandals.  I was determined to prove her wrong.

Unfortunately, on summer vacation in the beginning of my second trimester, I lost one of my jeweled shoes.  That fixed that challenge.  I was soon thereafter faced with shoe size increases.  From a 7 1/2 to a now (uh), nine, yes, you heard me right, I said a um hmmm.  But hating to give into more maternity clothing purchases, since now I’m saving for two here, I managed to stave off my shoe fetish and avoid DSW like the plague.  I survived with my BCBG flip-flops for most of the summer.  I might admit that after wearing these for several days, I began to notice heel pain that was unforgiveable.  I switched to something more practical in recent weeks.

As fall neared, and my feet increased yet again, I headed off to DSW in hopes for a pair of comfortable shoes.  I stumbled across the wise shoe - the runner’s shoe, and was amazed at how expensive a pair of running shoes could be when you’re not into running (not any more that is).  I then purchased the replacement pair of Clark’s black leather shoes, which are easy to slip on, in that larger size of course.  Then, I stumbled upon a very sexy pair of open-toed shoes with plenty of ankle support, in that upper shoe size.  I justified I could buy yet another pair of shoes as I was preparing for my trip to New York.  I had a reputation at the conferences I had to keep up - the only girl that would easily wear a 4-inch heel all day long.  I justified my shoe purchase with resolution to only wear such “dangerous” shoes in my third trimester if I had to walk from my hotel room to the downstairs lobby, sit and look pretty while eating, listening to the cabaret, or whatever else. 

However, while at the conference in NY, I did no more than show off these shoes in the safety of my hotel room to my girlfriends, who visited me to watch the McCain Obama debate.  They admired the high heel beauty, saluted my insanity and we laughed it off.

 Black Heel Shoe BCBG
BCBG Black Heel Shoe
Third Trimester Pregnancy

Last week, I was in Boston.  I took my BCBG shoes along with me, with hopes of the opportunity of wearing these shoes.  My colleagues said they’d meet me in the lobby and go to dinner in the hotel.  Perfect, safe, controlled opportunity to wear sexy shoes.  I slipped on (and grunted while doing so at eight months pregnant) my beautiful black heels and walked ever so carefully down to the lobby.  You cannot bend well at this stage, so strappy heels are a no-no.  I entered the lobby, and stayed away from slippery floors and hugged the rug.  But within a few minutes, I received a text message from my vendor who said that we were going to go to another place for dinner.  I didn’t know what the “floor” situation would be like, or how much walking I might have to do, so upstairs I trudged.  I changed into my more boring, but yes, safe walking heeled shoes (size 9, open toed but hardly sexy).  Once again, my poor sexy heels returned to the suitcase, unadored, and hardly worn.

I came home from my Boston trip, and took my suitcase upstairs, and pulled my high-heeled shoes out.  Off to church I went this morning, with my boring Clarks shoes.  See, I forgot my other pregnancy open-toed shoes at my brother’s house.  Pregnancy brain.  I came home from church and brunch, and spent the afternoon getting caught up on domestic projects.  I went upstairs late this afternoon, and had a startling discovery. 

Chewed Up BCBG Black Heel Shoe
After My Dog Chewed Up Black BCBG Heel

I admit, I might have over-reacted.  I mean what would you do?  If you saw your hardly worn, over-sized $90 or something pair of shoes, sitting in partial decay with black patent leather pieces of shoe strewn across the floor - what would you have done?  Can I add the following precursors?  I had just heard that Colin Powell had endorsed Obama and said some things not so nice about McCain and thought of the symbolism, I am 33 weeks pregnant and overly tired.  I had come home yesterday to find a number of things that my rescue dog, Lucky, had chewed in my three-day absence all strewn about in the living room.  I’ve been testing her with more house “freedom” lately to prepare for baby Melina’s arrival.  So, I ask, what would you have done in this situation?  Remember, you’re 33 weeks pregnant and you’ve rescued this dog nearly a year ago, and she’s now killed a few pair of good shoes over a year’s time.  I blogged about this the last time she ate my Clark’s shoes.

Well, in case you’re wondering what I did - after I saw the mincemeat shoes - I did what all patient, dog owners would do - I bent over, picked up and threw the BCBG black heeled chewed up dog toy at my dog, which ironically and surprisingly hit her square in the butt, and she and the shoe ran away from me, down the stairs.  She whimpered.  I decided that was not punishment enough, and I went down the stairs, picked up the shoe again, said “BAD DOG” and threw it again at her, which of course missed by several feet.  Her ears peeled back and she looked at me.  I secured her in the foyer expandable kennel, and told her she could forget her freedom days.

I went upstairs and slept sorta, as only a 33-week pregnant woman can do, which consists of 45 minute cat naps.  As I woke up later in pain and discomfort, I could hear a dog in the near distance, barking incessantly.  This young black lab, Max, gets admonished to the garage whenever the family that consists of at least one doctor, doesn’t feel like taking care of the dog, or perhaps it does something bad, like chew shoes.  Recently however, the dog is getting banished to the garage several times a day.   And you always know when, because the dog barks until they let the dog out of the garage.   

I felt bad, as I thought of my own dog, laying very quietly downstairs in her kennelled area.  She did not bark.  She did not whine.  She knew she was in trouble and wasn’t about to do a thing that was bad.  I went downstairs, and bumped my belly into the kennel fenced in area - whincing.  I quietly let her out of her kennel and let her outside to pee.  At least she had not done anything like that in the foyer or anywhere else while I was gone.  I came back inside with her, and put up her kennel and decided to forgive my crazy black lab, whippet high energy dog who suffered only from boredom, and lack of a long walk today.  And now, as I write, she and the two cats sleep beside me, very peaceful. 

So, don’t judge a person just by the shoes they wear, or the fact that they’re pregnant, and unable to wear fancy shoes for long.  The reason they might not be wearing fancy shoes - well, it could be due to the fact that the dog ate them.  And, worse yet, perhaps I should personally be judged by the fact that I threw that shoe’s heel (which you can see above is no fun) at my dog in a hasty reaction.  The moral of the story: Breathe, breathe, breathe when you’re pregnant, and don’t let your bored dog have access to anything that she might want to chew, after you’ve spent a few days away from home, and a few hours unattended.

I’m going to walk the dog -

16th October 2008

Less Than Six Weeks to Delivery - Mission: Arrival Melina!

i have a lot to do - boy, do I have a lot to do -

As I sit here in a Boston hotel room, watching Melina have the hiccups or something - on the right side of my belly - with consistent frequent movement every couple of seconds - and work on a project with my vendor here - I admit my attention is divided.  During dinner tonight, as I listened to fascinating conversation on so many levels with a trusted friend and his highly intelligent manager, and one of their clients.  While we talked about McCain and Obama, the environment, climate change, reflexology, modern medicine versus what you believe (the placebo effect), the Red Sox (yeah, trust me on that one - I have no clue - I just listened and then asked the worst question a person could ask a Red Sox fan (which was something to do with the New York Yankees)), men versus women managers, and much more - the entire time I was aware of Melina’s movements.  I could feel her head rolling underneath my right hand on the right side of my belly.  I could feel her put momentary pressure on my bladder several times.  I could feel her rolling around inside - and yet, as I listened to all this wonderful intellectual conversation about work, politics, environment, belief system, management, etc. - I was clearly partially listening - because the joy inside of knowing I have a daughter arriving soon - and that is a division of my focus clearly - on what she’s doing - what she wants - is a joy and satisfaction that is innocent at best right now. 

Clearly, as a non-parent up till now, I don’t have anything in the world to compare what I’m about to deliver - I have no idea - no clue - it’s completely unknown.  I am scared.  I hope for the best.  I hope for healthy mind, body, spirit - I hope for her that she will be okay - that I can face her challenges as well as my own - and learn to protect in the beginning years, and then slowly learn to let go in some ways. 

Is it crazy to say, “I just have to deliver her - which I’m scared shitless about - via c-section”, then followed by “I just have to pray she’s healthy - that’s she’s okay “, “I just have to get her to breast-feed”,  “I just have to recover and get in the groove of becoming a mom”, “I just have to get over the next hump of handling running a business meanwhile being a mom”, “I just have to make sure she’s healthy and happy in our home”, “I just have to pray I can do this”, “I just have to….” all these little baby steps for mommy as much as for daughter.

My friends and my brother/sister-in-law are lining up to help.  Neighbors are doing this as well.  Melina is scheduled to arrive Thanksgiving week - date/time will not be shared here until after her arrival - but I know the date/time.  Of course, Melina could arrive earlier, but the doctor saw me yesterday and does not want this to happen.  He does not think this will happen.  However, ironically, since I’ve seen my doctor, I’ve had three people tell me (one friend and two strangers) that I’ve dropped, and the two who don’t know me have said, I’m carrying low.  Considering I’m having a girl, and that typically means high, I can only hope they are wrong.  Knowing how important it is for Melina’s arrival to be post- 38 weeks, even though they say after 37 weeks all is well for delivery.  But Doc says that statistics show even 38 weeks is not as good as 39 weeks, etc.

Without a doubt, knowing of her arrival date and approximate time of arrival - despite utter exhaustion from not ever sleeping well - and latest middle-of-night body aches and wierd pains, and what sounds like body cracks at times - it makes you want to get your “butt” in gear and forget your exhaustion because there are more things to get done business wise and personal - to ensure a safe preparation for “Arrival Melina!”

For those of you offering to help, thank you.  For those of you actually helping, more thanks to you - it’s easy to offer help - it’s harder to give of yourself, several times over - and I appreciate all of you who have truly helped me through this pregnancy. 

I imagine announcements will go out electronically from the recovery room via Facebook and Twitter, and posting to this blog and Flickr.  I’ll have approximately 4 days to recover in the hospital after the c-section, and then I’ll be in a 6-week recovery program with Melina at home, although working from home after three weeks.

I have guests coming in to stay with me for the first three weeks - and neighbors/friends offering to help, cook dinner, etc.  I am very thankful.

Melina, I can’t believe it’s almost time to meet you - these next 5 1/2 weeks will fly by - and who knows if I’ll ever get this luxury again to be pregnant!   It is God-send to have your presence in my womb and to witness your development already.  I have to laugh at your movements sometimes - and wonder what you are up to….  You are already a distraction - your movement inside consumes me at times - how I marvel at your extension inside of me - I can only pray that you grow up to be a woman that shares the desire to have such pleasure in her life - to be distracted by the desire for children, the desire to love unconditionally, the desire to nurture, the desire to lead - I am thankful for this desire for you and hope I can live up to your expectations and that you learn in time to forgive me for when I can’t.

15th October 2008

C-Section Date Scheduled

I know Melina’s due date, by c-section - which is about 1 week and a half before her official due date.  Think sometime the week of Thanksgiving.  I’m scared, yet excited.  I’ve seen some c-section videos - ugh - it’ll make you want to lose your cookies if you see the cut made into the stomach and uterus.  What women go through to have children is amazing!  Natural, induced or c-section - childbirth is not an easy thing and is something to be respected.  I’m admittedly nervous about this, mostly because I had a really tough surgery and recovery about two years ago for fibroids.  They will go through the same incision in the tummy.  The doctor says it is typically easier to have a c-sec then a myomyectomy, which is what I had two years ago.  I had some complications and am quite frankly nervous about having these again, or something similar - and knowing I have a child to take care of simultaneously. 

I am interested in the little things about having Melina brought to me right after she’s taken out of the womb, and that she’s beside me, hopefully doesn’t need to go to NIC-U.  I’m learning from doulas what’s possible and what’s not.

14th October 2008

A Recliner Would Be Really Nice About Now!

Last night, I wandered into Ashley Furniture Store in hopes that I could find a recliner.  Not sure if I wanted to buy it, or not, but more importantly wanted to sit into a recliner and feel like I was in heaven.  A neighbor friend of mine said that she slept in a recliner towards the end of her pregnancy.  I found this chestnut colored leather recliner, and sat in it for a good 30 minutes, wondering if I’d fall asleep in it.  I noticed the paddy wagon in front of Babies R Us - I wondered if they would have to cart me out of Ashley Furniture for squatting.

 Recliner
Link to Product

Does this not look like a good place for a pregnant woman to spend some time?  Too bad the economy is what it is.  I sat in so many recliners, but the worst thing you can tell a pregnant woman is that the product can be delivered in a few weeks.  What?  You would have had me at it can be delivered tomorrow, but Halloween or shortly after that, don’t think so.

The funny thing is that the concept of a recliner seems to go hand in hand with a beer-drinking, man who spends a little too much time on his butt in front of the TV, or a grandpa - not in the slightest would I have ever seen myself in this type of chair. 

Chestnut Recliner

But comfort is priceless and when you’re exhausted, in pain at times, and in discomfort a lot of the time, somehow $800 for a recliner seems rediculously iyet  understandably inspired by a baby girl who is becoming more real all the time.   I feel Melina move most in this position, when I’m in a recliner mode.  I think it was my childbirth doula who said that babies face posterior moreso now than before, due to our recliner lifestyle.  Babies used to face forward, which actually made it harder to come through the birth canal.  Melina sometimes moves so much now that my belly moves around in so many places, you’d think she was shuttering.  It’s not just a kick here or there, it’s a near shutter of activity taking place in my uterus.  Other times, it must be her legs or feet reaching down into my bladder or other parts down there - because quite frankly I feel like I have to use the restroom a little more often - and then the move must change - because the urge passes.

I’ve decided that there needs to be some new computer tables made up for recliners to keep off the pregnant women’s bellies while they typed.

Okay, I’m watching a batch of shows on TV tonight, in partial recliner mode in the glider/ottoman.  House and Mentalist - the latter of which is totally hot.  My legs ache and I have a headache.  But as one of my colleagues shared with me last night, as I was texting her from the recliner at Ashley, the comfort once Melina arrives will be different when she screams .  Somehow that made the recliner at Ashley all that more peaceful - I can merely watch and wonder about her movement at this point.  Soon, within a few weeks, the movement will no longer be a mystery.

8th October 2008

I Can’t Sleep - and Melina is Moving About at 5:30 a.m. 1 reply

It’s 5:30 a.m. and I can’t sleep.  The good news is that I’ve given into the mind and am now online, where my mind can do more than run rampant at this hour in the dark.  I’m in NYC, so that means I can hear the city awaken easily and know I”m not the only one up at this hour.  I’m rarely up at this hour for long.

I brought protein snacks with me, so if I got hungry in the middle of the night, Melina and I had could have some nourishment.  It’s funny what you can eat at eight months pregnancy at this hour while travelling.  Tuna snacks, right?  YUM.  I’m kinda kidding but not.

Melina is now bumping and grooving inside me, now that she’s had something to drink and eat.  I’m also out of what has become an extraordinarily uncomfortable position, and that’s side lying for hours at night.  I imagine when I’m more at ease, Melina is.  Your hip and shoulder joints are not meant to take the pressure of sleeping on your side at night with growing weight, and thus scream in protest from stiffness after a night’s sleep.  I’m up every hour or so throughout the night, and consider that it’s good the blood is flowing normally when I arise from bed.  However, the discomfort at this stage can sometimes be amazing.  I’ve decided that this is the real reason pregnant women cry  more at this stage - we’re exhausted!  I had friends over last night to watch the debate in my hotel room, and one of the ladies commented at how she remembers such discomfort at this stage in pregnancy.  She loved pregnancy but agreed that this stage is not so much fun.  You simply can not get comfortable, for long.  You find a comfortable spot, and then you transition moments later, but it’s causing a shooting pain, or numbness somewhere in your body, or your belly is just too big, too heavy.

However, despite the discomfort, in some strange way, you still feel beautiful.  To have the luxury of being pregnant, to feel a child moving in your womb, is amazing.  I get a kick out of what most of the men say in my life when they see me - “Uh, wow, geez….”  Now, guys, you are supposed to see a pregnant lady and see the beauty here too, regardless.  I mean do you know how many men we look at with beer bellies, some of which I might add are larger than a woman’s pregnant belly at 32 weeks????  Yet, despite the fact that we have to push out a turkey from our oven, or have the child surgically removed with a massive incision in our belly while we are awake no less, some men are incapable of seeing the beauty here, or for that matter saying so. 

Most women I know that are married, indicate that men are not so good at this, and that sympathy from the men in their lives while pregnant was slim or non-existent.  But thank goodness for women, because they look at you with love, admiration and yes, sympathy for what you’re feeling at this stage in the game.  In the meantime, because of this beauty that comes from within, this glow, I want to find a tasteful nude black and white photographer that captures this maternal essence which is God-given before it’s all over.  Some beautiful photography work, who are not necessarily close to me but truly have captured this stage of life in such beauty:

Linnea Lenkus - favorite photos captured below - too bad she is in California

A favorite shot with the innocence of a child reaching up to the mommy’s tummy - love this shot!

Another stunning shot - black and white photography - of black and white pregnant couple - absolutely beautiful!

A very maternal photo - of pregnant mother holding her young toddler

For newborn black and white photo - of mother and infant

A great father, newborn photo - yawning - great captured moment

The newborn family - raw beauty

Another photographer - Koren -

Maternal pregnancy shot of man and woman

Black and white nude photo of pregnant woman - Jennifer Loomis in California, New York

Shot with daughters and pregnant mother - draped - Jennifer Loomis

So - three  photographers - I salute you for capturing the beauty of pregnancy, with or without men - thank you for your tasteful display of such art.

In closing, women - thank you for your understanding of pregnant women - if you’ve been here, you get it

Men - see the beauty in a pregnant woman - without her, you would not have been born, nor can you be in fact re-born.  Better yet, not only recognize the beauty, but say it.

6th October 2008

Baby Melina is Breech - She Already Has Hair!

Last week, I felt a pretty big move in my belly - and then after that felt very little movement for days.  Something had changed - and I wasn’t at ease with the hospital’s heart beat monitor process.  Last Friday, I called my doctor’s office and asked if there was any way to come in for monitoring and perhaps hopefully an ultrasound.  They indulged me with kindness, monitored Melina on the fetal heartbeat monitor, and gave me two cold bottles of apple juice.  This is supposed to encourage Melina to move.  I told them that ice cream does the trick too - but apparently they didn’t have that - ;-)

 They did the ultrasound and showed that Melina was in fact breech, and now her head was right by my chest.  I felt a closer bonding knowing she was by my heart, even though you can’t deliver a breech baby.  But they said it was early, and she might flip again at least once.  The technician gave me credit for “mother’s intuition” and said it was pretty cool that I could tell something had changed this past week.  I felt connected to Melina and absolutely relieved to know that her fluid was fine, she was not in distress, and of all things, she already has hair.  They showed me the ultrasound picture of her hair - very cool.  Said she’d probably have a head of hair by the time she’s born.  I’ve always had a thick head of hair, so that was exciting to learn.

Her breech position made more sense now - I had found it more difficult to breathe this past week, and a different type of discomfort in the lower anatomy, and I’m not talking about my legs.  The nurse also said she was facing my back - posterior facing.  Since I know I have to have a c-section, due to fibroid surgery two years ago, and the risk of uterine rupture - breech isn’t a concern unless there is some issue with Melina staying in this position.  Since the nurses made no issues about it - I’m feeling fine about it.

I continue to finish the nursery with her crib bedding that I’m sewing.  Two friends came over this weekend, Mary from WDC, and Alicia from in-town to continue their support individually for Melina’s expected arrival in the next several weeks.  It feels good to have so much support from all places, all people.  Mary already sent a hi-chair but also brought clothes, and cloth diapers, which I can use as burp clothes as opposed to the other obvious use.  I’m now in NYC and happy to be here - away from dog, cats and homekeeping responsibilities.  I love room service, and maid service on a whenever I need it basis.  Nothing better than that, just about.

Just content to be on my last flight trip to see some business colleagues before I deliver her.  Next time, I travel, it will be with Melina, diapers and car seat/stroller and all the fun stuff. 

3rd October 2008

Two Hours in the Hospital at Midnight to Monitor Fetal Movement 1 reply

The last two days and tonight’s fetal movement have been about as momentous as the Sarah Palin/Joe Biden debate tonight. I’ve been lucky to enjoy a lot of Melina’s bumps and kicks - and even though they say you need about six movements per hour, I’ve been feeling about two per minute. That of course, is lying down on your side at night, and taking the time to pay attention. I feel her throughout the day, in meetings, and at funny moments but in general feel her often - until a couple of days ago. I haven’t felt much movement. Tonight, after watching portions of the debate, I retired to the nursery where I sometimes begin my Goldilocks-like night of moving from bed to bed, trying to get comfortable. There is already such a warm, fuzzy feeling in my nursery that sometimes it’s nice to fall asleep there. However, tonight as I fell asleep, I monitored for fetal movement and felt nothing. I dozed off, woke up, and felt nothing.

So, it’s always fun to call the OB-GYN’s on-call service at 11:45 p.m. Not only do you not want to go to the hospital at this hour, you know if you call to be on the safe side, the doctor is going to do the same - take the safe route and tell you to go to the hospital. So, I did just that, and the doctor did just that - and off to the hospital I went at midnight to hop on the fetal monitor and ensure baby Melina was okay. I would regret it if something happened, and I was told I should have gone in earlier. I just read the other day where a pregnant doctor here in Ohio felt little to no fetal movement, and ended up going in to having it checked out (and she’s a OB), and ended up delivering that very day, earlier than expected.

Neither do you want to feel like an idiot by doing this - and if anyone knows me well - they know I suffer from sleep issues, which are further compounded by the third trimester discomforts which are now joint pains from sleeping on your side/hip/shoulder joints for months at a time (not to mention growing weight to support). But better safe than sorry is the old adage and it applies well when pregnant for sure. The Labor and Delivery nurses at Riverside are great - I’ve been on two maternal tours already (one with childbirth class, and one more in-depth guided-tour separately prior to childbirth class). I’ve become a little more comfortable with the hospital’s layout and services related to delivering something like 7,000 babies a year.

The nurse, named Laura, put two fetal monitors on me, and soon I heard Melina’s heartbeat. Listening to her heartbeat and knowing that everything appears to be just fine - brings tears to your eyes. It’s like the greatest peace of mind that you get with a scoop of ice cream - for that moment in time - there is really nothing wrong with the world. Hee hee. I listened to her heart beat, which sounded something like a really fit marathoner skipping rope, or one of those paddles that have the ball attached with a rubber band of sorts (that if you’re good and have nothing else better to do on a summer eve, you can hit that ball squarely on the paddle every single time). It was in the high 140s, which is good, the nurse said.

The nurse brought in apple juice and water. She said we had to get Melina excited, and until then I would not be able to go home. But no such luck - Melina was not to be “excitable”, which by everything I’ve read, a sign of a healthy baby. It seems to me that Melina’s activity has lessened over the past few days, since Monday night to be exact. So the nurse finally agreed to have me go home, with directions on monitoring fetal movement (10 movements per hour in the evenings, lying on your side).

I recorded her heartbeat while I was standing there trying to get Melina to move. Some of her movements I could feel in middle of my tummy - with the heartbeat monitor telling me there was movement. But in general, Melina’s activity was a fraction compared to the lady next door to me, whom I could hear had some activity hopping around in the oven.

Let’s hope everything is all right - they dismissed me so that’s obviously a good sign - but to me something is not quite right the last few days. I always try to think positively and not freak out about this kind of stuff, which is why I went to the hospital. However, I would have felt better if we had the 10 movements per hour, or Melina got “excited” as Nurse Laura suggested. But she said my fetal heart beat was very good and not to worry.

So, tonight, it’s 3 a.m. I’ve picked up a vanilla shake which always helps me to sleep, not to mention encourages Melina to move about. I remembered the days of cruising the drive-thru at that hour after a little bit of fun. Not the same for a pregnant lady coming home from the hospital at 2 a.m. - how times have changed in a good way.

I’ll turn on the sleep monitor that came as a baby shower gift the other day - and listen to the waves of the ocean, and imagine I’m in Laguna Beach, CA with white shutter doors overlooking the dark ocean on a night where you can hear nothing but the thunderous waves crashing on the rocks protruding from the sandy beach. Melina, I can only trust you are okay, and God, I can only have faith in you that she is as well.

Postscript: As I lay here in the nursery listening to the “ocean waves of Laguna Beach” and re-read my entry, I’ve felt at least seven movements already. My cat has settled into place above my head on one of the pillows, and the vanilla shake has put me in a mood to sleep and dream well, giving Melina the physical and spiritual nourishment she needs.

18th September 2008

This is No Bun - This is a Slow Roasting Turkey in the Oven 1 reply

It’s 6:37 a.m. EST - and I’m up in the nursery.  Lucky, the dog, is underneath the daybed - kinda funny to watch her tunnel under the daybed as she isn’t exactly small.  I’m hungry but I can’t eat anything.  Today, this morning, I have a glucose test - which is a regularly scheduled test for gestational diabetes.  I’ve been a little nervous about gestational diabetes, and while my last weigh-in showed I had only gained 17 pounds during pregnancy, which was at 6 1/2 months, I’m feeling quite big in the past two weeks.  Any time I have a test, I worry for a week prior to the test about the results.  Most of the time, the results overcome any worries I have had and I wonder why I get so worked up about some of these things.

People ask me how I feel - and I can say that I’m feeling big.  Sometimes, a little out of sorts.  A friend of mine told me the other day that he ate an entire box of chocolate donuts and he wasn’t feeling so great.  I hadn’t eaten in a few hours, and I told him, no more like guaranteed him, that my stomach was still bigger than his, no matter what.  In the past week or so, I feel like it’s taking more energy to do things, simple things at times.  It is true that at 29 gestational weeks of pregnancy, Melina girl is 15 inches or so, and that’s alot to have in your belly.  For most of you who have laptops, imagine a laptop in your tummy.  That might be a little uncomfortable, yes?  

At night, turning over from side to side is no longer a simple roll-over.  You can’t lay on your back when you’re pregnant, as it can cut air supply to the baby and cause your own blood pressure to drop.  You of course can’t lay on your tummy.  You can lay on either side, but as your belly grows, that’s a lot of pressure that you put on your side joints (hips, shoulders, and everything else in between).  You become uncomfortable often.  In fact, a pregnant masseuse I went to in Salt Lake City said as I was getting a massage, said it’s okay if you are comfortable for a minute, and then a minute later need to change positions because that dream position is no longer comfortable. 

So, I’ve equated my sleeping disposition to feeling like a slow-roasting turkey in the oven.  Forget the old saying ‘ you’ve got a bun in the oven!  That’s true, but for the first or second trimester, you feel that way - little baby bump - all cute and all.  Then, in the third trimester, you begin to feel more like you have a truck in the oven, - oh n0, I meant, a turkey in the oven.  LOL.

Turkey sounds better, right?

Laptop, turkey, truck - what’s the difference?

Little Melina - well she is moving often.  When I went to Salt Lake City for a consulting project at the end of August, she began to move a lot.  I thought she was in trouble.  My wonderful sister-in-law, Lilly advised me to check my blood pressure and said it would be an indicator of whether other things were in trouble.  My blood pressure was just fine.  I learned that week, in retrospect, after reading The Pregnancy Journal, that Melina should be moving a lot around the hours of 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.  She likes to move most when I’m sitting in a slightly reclined position, with legs out in front of me. 

People ask me if it hurts when she kicks or moves.  Not yet, I can say that.  If you want to know more about what it feels like when a baby moves inside of you?  Well, sorry for those I might offend here, but you read this far down so it’s your own fault.  It feels like a little silent toot - ya know - like a little “toot, toot” inside your belly.  I get a tickle out of it, because it’s like my belly is “far-t-ing”.   Sometimes, when she moves a lot or stretches out up to my rib cage, after eating something delicious, I just have to laugh at her movement.  It’s a good feeling.  How people say that they didn’t know they were pregnant and delivered a baby in the bathroom kinda thing - ya know, you hear those stories once a year or so  - they are lying!  ;-)

I can tell when I turn over to baste my turkey, at night, about every 30-45 minutes, that sometimes Melina is not happy with my turn.  I’ve been typically very comfortable on the right side, despite the fact that left-side lying is better for blood flow to the baby because of the vena cava vein ( I think ).  But I also know that Melina has something rather hard on the right side of my uterus, perhaps her head?, and sometimes that shift does not do something right for her, as we progress into the 8th month of pregnancy.

Anyway, I have more to write about my wonderful baby shower that my friends and I had back on the 7th of September.  More on that to come.

23rd August 2008

Lilac Hues - Pink Attraction - Signs of Having a Girl

Not once in my adult life have I ever had so much attraction to pink or lilac.  Well, I love Lilacs - the flowers - which bloom in the Columbus, Ohio area around Easter, depending on whether it falls early or late in March.  But other than that, not much of one to feel attracted to pink or purple or a lighter version of the latter - lilac.  I had the nursery color picked out - ivory, right?  Or white, with a trace of pink, right?  Sure enough I end up with lilac - the slightest hint of lilac is now on my nursery walls.  What a change from sunset yellow! 

Think Pink - When It's a Girl You're Having!

I walked into Lenscrafters the other day to get some replacement frames for the glasses I rolled over, apparently the new weight is not good for a little pair of glasses - and found myself gravitating towards frames that were deep purple.  When I walked into the doctors’ room to try on a pair of contacts, I found myself seeing only one color in the entire room.  It was the pink in the Method soap dispenser on the countertop.  Tonight, I went to the grocery store and purchased fruit - I noted the pink frosting on the sugar cookies and thought they looked really good.  Was it the pink icing, or was it the cookie?  I think it was the pink - it made me think of having a girl.

Of course, the scary thing - would be - after I’m decorating all in pink - if I was having a boy!  Twice today someone mentioned that they thought it’d be pretty funny if I was going to have a boy.  I said that they should definitely not humor themselves in such a way and try to keep on talking about something else so I don’t get too caught up in this train of thought.  Oh well - that’s what gift receipts are for - at Babiesrus.com, right?  Sigh.  Not something I’m choosing to worry about for now. 

The bigger challenge in my life right now is preparing for Melina from a work perspective as well as coordinating all the other things that will happen in the next couple of months.  I am a problem solver by day, and often even when I try to sleep.  As a search marketing and web analytics analyst, I’m constantly presented with challenges and people’s problems that no one else can figure out.  So, transitioning someone into my position or transitioning out of that position, so I can do something else with  my life - are all part of the plan ahead - for as much as one can plan - there is always fate ahead of you, and destiny perhaps throwing something different to change your path faster than you can blink.  How I transition out of an 11-year plus business role model into something different so I can be okay to step aside and guide another into my position - is something that requires a lot of thought, planning and smart decision making.

It’s only the beginning of the challenges ahead - but I observe many of my esteemed female colleagues doing this often.  They manage, somehow, to handle house manager, baby or child manager, and work manager all in one - some husbands are there 24/7, some aren’t as expected, and yet the women charge on.  Now, not all women I know are like this - sometimes I see the men heading up everything including doing a more than a fair portion of child rearing.  However, some of my closest clients and vendors have become my closest female friends - and I see them lead at home and at the office.  I’ve had the good fortune of being surrounded with strong female leaders in my life whom I have deep respect for at home and at work.  I can only hope to live up to some of that strength as a mother and simultaneously maintain my business relationships, clients, and employee management responsibilities as a manager and business owner.

So despite running a business, and being in charge of so much, at the end of the day, regardless of whether I have worked an 8-hour shift at my office or pulled a 12-hour work day with a few breaks, I come home to my newly designed nursery in the making.  I am attracted to a slight shade of lilac and what it embodies.  I forget about the 12 hour day I’ve just ended, which is surrounded by shades of bold red and goldenrod.  Here, I shut the nursery door, lay down in white and pink pillows, and cover myself with a white eyelet duvet cover with tiny embroidered pink threaded flowers.  I finally fall asleep at  peace, wondering what the days and months ahead will hold for baby girl Melina and I.  I do not think of work - I think of my baby girl.  I think about the crib’s arrival soon, and the little girl’s clothes I’ve picked up as a result of a friend’s baby shower gift.  Somehow, this insomnia I’ve had for months seems to settle - and once I fall asleep, I truly rest with sweet dreams of the little one growing inside of me.