29th May 2010

A Parent’s Fear

After becoming a parent, there are so many changes that take place in one’s thoughts, plans, and feelings.  Tonight I watched a movie with Clive Owen.  I don’t even know the name of it.  It’s on PPV Time Warner Cable.  Clive plays a father whose wife dies of cancer.  He has two sons, one by the wife who dies in the movie, and another from an earlier marriage.  It’s a touching movie that would pull on the heartstrings of any parent.

As a single parent, perhaps the greatest fear you have is wondering what would happen if you should die early, and beginning to plan if/when this happens how your child will be provided for.   As a business owner, I’ve often planned for the worst case scenario in many instances.  But as a mother, I’ve had a harder time planning for the worst case scenario.  It’s such a hard choice to determine who would raise your child in your absence.  I can out-think almost any scenario because no one would likely do the same or as good a job as me, right?  There is death by unforeseen situations, and then there is cancer.  Such a fear to have.  The woman dies of cancer in the movie.  She dies quickly, or that is the appearance that once the cancer is discovered, it is everywhere and there is no chance of saving her.

It may seem trivial to some, but I’ve seen this with my dog, Cody.  She died quickly, after no one could figure out what was wrong with her for a year, after exploratory surgeries, and specialists, and a number of other things.  It just happened overnight, after they finally figured it out.

Cody was with me for 12 years, after I rescued her from a rather bad situation in 1996.  She was the most loyal, glorious dog - beautiful, loyal, kind, and a wonderful black mound of fur, purple tongue.
Cody was cancer-ridden in her last year of life, undetected.  She had an onset in 2007, something particular happened.  The doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her.  They wanted to operate on her stomach.  I instinctively knew that whatever was wrong with her, was not in her stomach, but I let them operate just in case.  Fear kept me from directing them elsewhere.  They were vets, right?  I wasn’t and am not.  But sure enough, after many specialists, and nearly $8k in bills, I began to slow down in the pursuit of what was wrong with her.  No one could figure it out.  There was one more surgery they could do to figure it out, but there was no guarantee.  The surgery would leave her impaired in other ways, and so I chose not to do the surgery on her throat.

I continued to have problems with her for a year.  I knew she might have cancer, despite undiscovered.  And then one day, her situation changed.  I took her into the doctor, worried.  The cancer was everywhere.  The x-ray showed it throughout her lungs, all over her abdomen.  And, so they suggested I put her down there.  I didn’t.  I took her home and loved her for one last night.  We hung out.  I had just put a cat down two months prior.  I couldn’t believe I had to put her down the next day.  I had a trip planned to New York.  I had a major presentation to SpaFinder Magazine’s executives, to defend an account to newly hired personnel.  Cody died that next day.

Ever since then, cancer has become a greater fear.  I’ve seen others die of it in the last few years.   There is a balance between being somewhat overly cautious with blood tests, etc., to make sure that you don’t have anything wrong with you, and becoming a bit obsessed with cancer prevention.  I would hate to have a situation where something was bothering me, ignoring it for a while, and then discovering it’s spread to all parts of the body, and I have little time to plan for my daughter, or to take care of her needs.  Furthermore, I wouldn’t want to deal with missing out on anything I could hope to experience.

I’ve seen a friend’s mom robbed of life at an early age of breast cancer, on its second return to her body.   I’ve seen another person lose his wife of cancer.  A client lose her mom due to ovarian cancer.  Second, another recently rescued cat died a few months ago.  I had taken him in about two years ago, when I was quite pregnant.  I had a feeling he would not be around forever so I never got too attached to him.  One day, I felt a mass in his stomach.  Others couldn’t feel it.  I ignored it for a couple of months, and then after I felt like something worse was happening, I took him in.  Sure enough, he had just a little bit of time to live.  Within weeks, he died.  There was nothing they could for Bentley.

One of the reasons I blog is for the legacy of my daughter.  One day she will be able to, if she so desires, read what I’ve written.  Today, I was with a friend in the Short North.  My daughter was in the stroller, sitting straight up as she always is, always ready to approach the world.  We came up to the new bridal shop in downtown Columbus.  I commented on the beautiful white & ivory dresses.  Being married is not something I feel like I’m missing out on.  I never had the white dress wedding.  I never had the milestone of this aspect of many people’s lives.  I was married, but not in that way as an near idiot at the age of 21 for a short while.  But what I didn’t have in my life, I wish for my daughter.  I hope, that if she desires to get married, that I’m buying her that beautiful wedding dress, that I’m getting to see it all, observe all her struggles, and loves in life.

I pray to God to allow me to be present in her life for a long, long, long time to come.  In the meantime, I have to make sure I’m doing my best to ensure I’m in good health.  Keeping after your health, and asking the right questions about what’s going on with your body, is a time-consuming quest.  I’d like to hear from you on how you decided who would raise your kid in the absence of you being present, or the other parent.  Did you find that some said no to your request?  Did you have a hard time making the final decision?  Did you change your mind at any time, and if so for what reasons?

I pray for God’s grace on us both, to live healthy long lives despite whatever the world has to present us.

6th May 2010

Mother’s Day - Looking Back to the Day I Became a Mother

On November 24, 2008, hours before I delivered my baby girl, I wrote this blog post.  I happened across it oddly tonight.  I am thankful that I wrote throughout my pregnancy and what I called “fertility journey”.

http://www.laurathieme.com/a-fertility-journey/hours-away-from-delivering-baby-girl-melina.php

I re-read this tonight, and I cried, which is rare.   I am so very thankful to be walking into Mother’s Day weekend as a Mother.  Thank you God for your kindness in making me a mother.  I can now say I am now enjoying the sound of being called “ma ma, ma ma!”  Life is to be appreciated.

Renewal - Rebirth

Don’t you love this time of year?  Those two weeks or so that the leaves begin to grow back on the trees?  You notice little fledgling sprouts, then all of a sudden there is a green haze as you drive past trees along the highway.  A week or two later, as you stop at your destination, you may begin to notice that all of the trees around you make sounds as the wind passes through the branches and their newborn leaves. I love that sound, but especially when it’s been months of nothing but stark branches clattering against one another.

In the past week, I have felt a professional and personal rebirth.  I have help on so many levels from so many.  Last night I was talking to a very close friend about what’s going on in my  life.  He made some very accurate observations and statements. When you choose to do something that few would even dream of, or dare to do, or fail to execute successfully - sometimes you can feel a bit isolated and unable to relate to most who are not in the same category.  When you run a company, as a working mother, there is so much that pulls at you everyday. At times, I think most of us feel run-down, and a bit invisible in some ways.  But at some point, as a Mother, you can feel renewal as a woman.

I can always tell when I’m feeling inspired.  I pull out old music I haven’t listened to in a long time from a variety of genres.  I have delighted in observing my daughter respond to music.  About a week ago, I was listening to Susan Boyle’s song “Who I was Born to Be” before I went on a sales call.  As I listened to her song, I arrived at my office, opened my sunroof, parked the car, put my seat back and paused for a few minutes to listen.  The words matched my gorgeous view through the sunroof.  She sang about being a child, and listening to the wind in the trees.  She sang about life’s path and how it brings us to where we’re supposed to be in life, at the right time.

Spring brings renewal.  It brings a brighter outlook.  I am thankful for Spring, for renewal, for help on many levels from often unexpected people, and from those I do know who consistently lend a hand to guide us in the right direction.