28th May 2009

Signs You Are a Mother!

True signs you are a mother (as experienced recently by a new mom, updated throughout the first year of raising baby):

These are just a few of the cold hard facts of what it’s like to be a mother - glamour and all - and I’m so glad, so thankful to be in this new group of women - who are mothers.

20th May 2009

Wow - Almost Six Months Old - Just a few days away 1 reply

I can not believe it’s nearing the end of May.  As the 24th approaches, I see another milestone approach and pass for Melina.  As I hold her while breastfeeding in the glider/rocking chair, I’m amazed at how much she stretches across the chair now.  I think of when I took pictures of Susan, a friend of mine, holding her in the first week of December.  Melina was so very tiny at around 6 lbs those first three weeks. 

We are now approaching six months.  As some say, it gets harder as you go along, I’d say it’s all about how you look at it.  While some things are harder, in terms of the day-to-day, I’m enjoying this phase with Melina so very much.  She is such a happy baby.  People come up, and peek and yes, even, gawk, at Melina.  Everyone seems to love her hair and equate it to a “mohawk”.  :-)  I can always tell when a babysitter has enjoyed her hair - she comes home looking a little oilier around the forehead than usual.  :-)  What I supposed I’m enjoying most - well, it’s too hard to narrow it down to just one thing, so here’s my list:

I am so very thankful and yet not thankful enough in many ways.  Today I talked to a former client who was reconnecting for some possible work.  We had both worked together, along with another woman, on search engine marketing projects with her former employer several years ago.  They had been a client for several years.  Both colleagues had gone onto work for other companies.  I had lunch with one of them four or so years ago.  She told me she had cancer, which was not treatable in the traditional way.  She was hoping for alternative treatment.  I learned today that she died March 7, 2009.  My client shared that her attitude, her treatment, and her circle of friends had helped her live longer than expected.  I was sorry I had not been able to connect with Jennifer in the past four years.  I had called a few times but never received a call back and had wondered if she was okay.  Now I knew she was not.  Nancy said that they knew by the holidays Jennifer would not make it much further.  Jennifer was a really good person.  Nice, sweet, and way too young.   She was only 42.

I am thankful, very, very thankful that I have Melina in my life, and that as far as we know, we are healthy.  I continue to get my head checked along with the rest of my body, but the doctors tell me my brain is normal - despite what most of you already know about me, that I’m far from “normal”, but what is normal?

Normal to me, was having a child, a family.  And so now with Melina in my life, six months and counting, we are just two normal girls, learning and growing from one another, and happy about it most of the time.

I can tell you right now, she’s not so happy with me, because I just put her back in her crib.  I’m usually not so happy with her when I’m exhausted and need sleep.  But then she’ll give me a night where I sleep for hours, and then, the outlook on life is so much better after getting more than four hours of sleep. 

But we are good - real good - and happy.  And, for that, we are thankful to God and to so many of you who have made it so special to have a baby girl.

15th May 2009

Mother’s Day Weekend - The Life of Single Mom is Not Bad 1 reply

Somedays I forget to breathe.  Other days, I’m doing so much, so fast, I’m half-laughing at the insanity of it all.  Last weekend, I had the best Mother’s Day Weekend.  Perhaps because it was my first mother’s day - perhaps because I trekked to Maryland and Washington, DC to spend the first Mother’s Day with my Mom and Melina.  I stayed with a former client who has become a friend/colleague Friday night in Cumberland.  Saturday, I travelled to see Susan who had come all the way out here when Melina was born.  It was the first time I met her children.  From there, I went on to Cousin Tina’s house where their rottweiler and son’s german shepherd met us.  I had dinner with Tina’s family and caught up with them, after 15 years.  I couldn’t believe that much time had passed since we last were together. 

It’s wierd.  In some ways, having a baby makes time go by so much faster.  Yet, in other ways, you slow down more to savor the tiniest moments in your personal history.  You want to make the most idiotic moment - in  a funny way - last forever.  The first rollover, the first reactionary smile, the first word, the first applesauce OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??? moment, the first time she reaches for herself in the mirror and you realize you haven’t buckled her in the car seat moment, the first time she sneezes BOOGIES on your arm, yes, actual boogies, the first trip together, the first  … amazing series of “moments”.   This is what is so exciting about being a mom, perhaps just a first-time mom, but the glory of being a mom is wonderful at the age of 40.  I’m thrilled that I’m taking the time to slow down and notice all of these things.

Ironically, I have less sleep in my body than I’ve ever had in my life.  College life and partying - in my 20’s - I still had time to catch up.  I never went this far, for this long, without sleeping more than 6 hours in one stretch, or the norm of 4 hours in one stretch.  Any man who wants to challenge me on “I’ve been there, done that” - just give me five minutes.  I can obliterate that in a heartbeat, unless of course, you’re a single parent with 100% custody and no live-in nanny.

There are a lot of benefits to being a single parent.  I don’t have to argue with anyone about how I’m doing this.  Not having help means not having to disagree on every single little thing you do.  It’s rare that I find a person who is happy with their mate at all times, and on top of it, agrees with them about every little bit of child-rearing.  Many of my friends have admitted privately that doing it single, raising child on your own, isn’t such a bad idea.  It sounds hard as hell, but you don’t have to put up with the time of having a relationship.  Sometimes I’ve dated a few men that have been nearly as needy as my kid.  Although I’m thankful I never had to wipe their a**es. 

So, celebrating the first mother’s day was time spent with friends and family several hours away from home.  It could not have been a better day.  I am thankful for the time to share with Melina, and for bringing me closer to family members. 

It’s 1:14 - and I’ve got a Powerpoint I just uploaded to LinkedIn.  I’ve erroneously somehow deleted something I had created tonight and fixed part of it, I think.  I’ve watched Grey’s season finale (which was quite good).  I’ve breastfed, fed applesauce, walked her twice around the block, talked to neighbors, talked to a colleague of mine who is preparing landing pages for Bizwatch, had a 2 hour client consult, a 2 hour email marketing review, and a couple of calls with my contractor at the office.

What I did not make time to do today?

Upload pictures to Flickr, transfer video of Melina to my computer, and integrate with this blog - but another time, right?

7th May 2009

My First Mother’s Day

I received my first Mother’s Day card today from a neighbor who has been extremely supportive of my fertility journey - and is enjoying Melina’s first year with me.  I’m very excited about this Mother’s Day - I could only hope this time last year that I would get to see such a day and experience it as a “Mother”.

I have such an amazing new understanding, respect, empathy and affection for Moms now that I’m lucky enough to have my own child.  The amount of work that goes into a day as a working Mom, much less a single working Mom with newborn, is utterly amazing.  In fact, it’s exhausting.  It’s not so much taking care of baby that’s exhausting - it’s the work we do to keep up the house, the laundry, the kitchen, and everything else that goes into “running a household”.

I’m looking forward to Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, for a variety of reasons.  The only thing I might fantasize about - could I just sleep for 24 hours straight?  That would be my desired gift as if I could get such a gift - sleep, no laundry, no cleaning.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  I could just hold my baby and listen to music like I did for two minutes today.  We could just hang out - that would be a perfect day - you know, without all the work, right?

Here’s a recap - just the highlights of the last couple of days - the insanity at times of my days….

Despite being a business owner and working mom, single working mom at that, I try to fit in a stroller walk around the neighborhood with the dog, sometimes even the cat, and Melina.  The other day, while giving the rescue cat Bentley his walk, with Lucky the dog, and M in her stroller, some family stopped me on the main street of our neighborhood.  The man rolled down his window and asked, “That IS a CAT, right????”  Meanwhile, the little Asian kid and Mom stared at me in awe from the back seat of the car.  Yes, it is a cat, I responded, referencing Bentley.  I quickly explained that I didn’t make him this way, I INHERITED him this way (see previous blogs and pics)

Back to the house with dog-like cat who thinks he owns the road, actual dog, and Melina playing with her hands and realizing she could pull a cloth apart - very exciting motion to observe for her.  I watch her as she suddenly stares at her right hand, and watches it move in different ways, back and forth, back and forth.  Despite the dog walks, my dog Lucky continues to drive me nuts.  While I walk her in the evenings, it’s not easy to do this before I head to work.  She’s a very high energy dog, but of course, when I want her to pee on command, or poop on command, that simply does not happen.  I tell her that she has 2 minutes to poop - that I’m going to workout before I go to work  - and I’m going to be late - and tell her to hurry up.  She stares back at me, looking like I’m about to beat her.  Her head droops, her eyes look somber - and yet, I don’t feel guilty, I just get mad.  I remember when Cody (my chow of 12 years who died last year) used to be this way - and how I felt guilty when she died that I was impatient with her at times.  That wisdom however does not stick with me at the moment I wish my dog would “hurry up and go to the bathroom”.  I tell Lucky as I pull her inside with her leash - and tell her to “go lie down” and “don’t you dare poop or pee in this house while I’m gone” and hope I’ve instilled the fear of God in her so she won’t misbehave. 

Off I go to workout with my trainer, to lose the 24 lbs I still have post-baby gain.  I take baby with me - and hope she cooperates.  In general, she’s great.  She falls asleep but before doing so, fusses, so I ask trainer if I can do lunges around gym, and push stroller, in order to please baby but also please trainer.  Honestly, I could care less.  I just going through the motions.  I find myself so exhausted during the workout.  I’ve been up four times the night previous with Melina because she’s beginning to “roll over” and was getting stuck, crying, and needing help and consolation.  I’m so exhausted my trainer is irritated with me - my male trainer - who told me that his girlfriend with child had to sleep in other room - ’cause he needed his sleep if he was going to work…. I tell him to cut me some slack and gulp down the Powerade hoping for an energy boost.  I try psyching myself out that I’m not so tired - but I can feel the workout is taking any last bit of energy I had faked myself to think existed.

I come back from trainer, walking with stroller and baby.  I’ve lost my garage door opener, as yet another sign that only new moms, or working moms can understand.  I’m forced to go through front doo [keeping typo as this is only fitting - read on] where baby bird nest is.  I gently open the front door, let the dog out, bring her back inside, walk thru the garage, outside - and back in the front door again, this time with baby out of stroller.  What I haven’t noticed is - the dog poop - on the front door rug.  I’ve not only missed it with my eyes, but I’ve stepped in it, unawares, and have tracked it for a good while.  I’m now infuriated with the dog.  I make sure baby is okay, tell dog to run away for good, and put her outside on the leash.  I yell some more at the dog and hope the neighbors hear me.  Does this sound like anything you’ve ever done?  In fact, I encourage her to run away, in fact ask her, beg her - please run away.   In the event anyone thinks I’m abusing the dog - I’m ready to tell them what a bad dog she is.  I am ready with my “story”.

I go back inside and begin the cleanup job.  I think about my baby girl and am glad she is not crawling yet.  I make sure the cats don’t run through it.  I clean, and clean and clean.  I grit my teeth and think - I can clean up my baby’s poop.  I can scoop litter.  I can bag a dog’s poop on a dog walk - but I will NOT deal with it in the house.  I was just gone an hour.

In defense of my dog - I might add - that she only had a few minutes to poop.  I had not made time to “walk” her on this particular morning, just the night before.  I had only let her out in the front yard for a few moments.  I recalled the time when my Mom would complain when I was a child and needed to go to the bathroom at some untimely moment - why didn’t you go when you had the chance, she’d ask?  Well, Mom, I didn’t have to go then. 

Today was easy related to the dog and cats.  There was no walk.  There were no issues, because I worked from home.  I thought I’d go to the office.  I had a babysitter scheduled.  I was supposed to be a day of handling a lot of marketing work.  I am excited about the front door wreath bird’s nest on this day - as there are new babies today - perfect for the approaching Mother’s Day.  I try to take a photo of this exciting moment - but a glass light fixture drops from the SKY, or the kitchen ceiling and shatters into a lot of pieces, down to dust all over the kitchen.  An hour and a half later - I’m taking a phone call from a contractor who has a client issue and a computer problem.  I try to resolve the situation by phone, but suggest she comes here.  I end up with four computers, in my kitchen and living area - all working at once.  I did not even sit down while I solved problems during the day.  Twelve hours later, I think I’ve resolved that issue - and all related issues that came up.  One problem, one phone call - 12 hours!  Where did my day go?  I got nothing done that I intended to get done. 

So, sometimes being a Mom is cleaning up a LOT of messes.  Often, as a business owner, this only compounds the fixing process every day.  So in addition to cleaning up glass that worked itself into many crevices in the kitchen, I fixed a garage door opener without any guidance, restored a computer file or part of it, and solved the contractor’s issues.  I fixed a client problem, I think.  While all this was happening, I entertained my child. I worked around her short 30 minute naps, read to her, moved her around from swing to bouncy chair to floor to tummy time, and back again - worked with her sitting up - took joy in watching her sit up and read a book - dealt with not having a babysitter ’cause she had car problems, and yet even fixed dinner for a friend and myself (ravioli & chicken).

While I guided my contractor through the problems on the computer and the client’s issues, I fed my girl rice cereal and reveled in seeing her take her fingers and run it through her mouth to see what it felt like with all that food in her mouth.  I watched her run them across many surfaces including herself.  I later breastfeed.  I got her to bed - early - only to have a friend arrive to try to fix the garage door, which I has just figured out on my own.  I got Melina back up, as I knew I’d need to fix my friend dinner since he was trying to help me.  This ended up getting Melina to bed around 9 pm, which is way too late for a baby, making her crankier than usual.   Back to the computer and trying to fix my client/contractor issues - re-running reports - and all of a sudden it’s 11:30 by the time I can breathe or do something for myself.  Heaven forbid I want to have a phone call, or get stuck on the phone.  Cleaning tonight - well something else had to sacrificed since I worked instead.

I did not do laundry today.  I did not walk around the neighborhood today.  I  did not finish my marketing presentation or get to the 12 emails from my Dad regarding a client.  I did not check in with them at all, as I should have.  I did not clean the kitchen after tonight’s dinner.  I simply worked 12 hours, and took care of my child with joy.  Considering the news headlines these days, of other children who were abandoned, left to run in the streets with a saturated diaper, thrown from a car in Florida, and tossed into an oven over a boyfriend/girlfriend argument - I’d say our lives are great - we are together and we are happy.  Admittedly, humorously, Mommy’s tired and found a grey hair in her eyebrow at the age of 40.  I think I look like a 90-year old woman when I wake up for the fifth time some mornings - but we are happy being together, being present, and being healthy.  And if you wonder why I still make time for a blog once a week - well, sometimes it’s the only fun thing I do on my computer, and I need that - a release of some kind. 

Now, it’s time to retire for the night. 

1st May 2009

Life without TV (ABC’s Private Practice) Could Be A Good Thing 2 replies

Most of you know that I’ve been through four years of fertility treatments that ended on April 1, 2008 with a phone call that said, “You are definitely pregnant”.  I’m happy to say I have a wonderful 5-month old baby girl now who lights up my day. 

I chose to embark on this fertility journey as a single, 40 year old female technology business owner, guest lecturer (taught course for two years) at OSU, and a public speaker on the speaker’s circuit for over 8 years.  I’ve travelled to a number of countries with others, but mostly by myself to speak on various topics related to marketing yourself and your company on the Web.  I’ve seen a lot of amazing things, done some crazy things, like going to Antarctica to see penguins by myself, ya know, the normal things we want to do in life, right?  But never has spring been so enjoyable as this year.  It’s amazing how crazy life is, but when you have this child in your arms, how much better you want it to be with her in it?  You want to do better things, contribute more, keep your center, and focus on what’s really important in life? 

When you have a daughter to share the joys of life with - then it’s just simply amazing how you can keep your focus when times are difficult when you know she is the reason you keep on truckin’! 


Melina (5 Months Old) Last Friday, the 24th - having giggles with Kim, friend of mine

So that’s why I have to write about tonight’s Private Practice Season Finale episode regarding Amy Brinneman who plays Violet.  Catching a TV show as a new mom, single working mom, business owner, is hard to do before 10 p.m.  You’re putting the baby to bed before then, and by the time 10 p.m. rolls around, you are simply exhausted.  You consider cleaning, doing laundry, working some more, but occasionally you just want to veg out in front of the TV, and think of nothing really all that important for one hour.  You might want to be entertained by TV, inspired, let down, stirred up, but the question I ask is do you want to be grossed out?  Do you want to be disgusted by what you see at that hour?  And, in recent weeks, I have on more than one occasion felt disgusted by what I’ve seen on 10:00 TV.  CSI Miami, The Medium and tonight’s ending season episode of Private Practice seem to be getting worse in terms of the “gross” factor.  I expect in a late night drama some suspense, silliness, good acting, tears on occasion, whatever.  But what I don’t like is wierd story lines that don’t have any impact other than to gross you out.  Sounds like I grew up in the 1980’s, doesn’t it? 

I can no longer watch CSI Miami.  I have begun to wean myself off of Medium, due to last couple of episodes.  And now, Private Practice needs to be banned personally.  Perhaps it’s because I just wasted an hour of watching a single, intelligent, pregnant woman Brinneman/Violet lay flat on her back (which as pregnant women we can’t do because it would harm the baby) for hours, and try to talk her “killer” out of killing her and her baby.  She gets a bloody nose smashed in face a bit, and her patient begins to “cut” her belly, and Violet actually has to tell her how to cut her so she doesn’t injure the baby, even though she knows she will die?  The “killer” paralyzes Amy Brinneman’s character, “Violet”, so she can’t move, so she has to just “lay there” while someone takes her baby out of her very pregnant belly.  Yuck. 

All I can say is that can’t networks do better than this?  I can’t watch LOST anymore because I can’t follow it.  Anytime you need captions to figure out what the hell is going on - that’s a good time to turn it off.  If I wanted to view captions on TV, I’d rent a foreign flick on PPV cable.  Any mom I noted on Twitter.com tonight re Private Practice was saying the following, “deeply disturbed”, “disgusted”, “WTF”, “sick”.  Now, is that what ABC’s writers want?  Is that the goal?

Do we want to sit in front of the TV and be disgusted, sickened, aghast, and deeply disturbed?  Apparently.  That’s what’s wrong with our society, right?  I mean, as if the World News isn’t all of these things already?  Swine flu, unemployment, people starving, trying to get a job, keep their families safe and healthy, but why do we choose to watch such crappy stuff late at night?  And don’t we already have sleep disorders?  I do.  I am up at 1:40 a.m. blogging and Twittering about being disturbed about something so that I don’t dream about it tonight.

We need positive light on our life.  We need to do good.  We need to not sink further down into misery and gloom.  Misery begets misery - haven’t you heard that?  As a marketer, I often have to write about the good things - in fact, I search for the good things.  I encourage ABC, NBC & CBS to search for something good to write about - don’t you know how to be creative enough to write something positive and yet be good drama?  And as Americans caught up in the passion of the moment - we need to get excited about something positive, not disgusting as a pregnant woman ready to be cut up by her possible killer as she lay there, helpless, while her dysfunctional men fight over her but none have yet rescued her.

Perhaps, it’s because I’ve been a victim at one point in my life.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve chosen to fight back.  Perhaps it’s because I choose a positive outlook over adversity, or something horrible.  I chose to create life.  I choose as a result, not to watch a TV show where life is taken away as good drama.  Life is death, but there is no reason to see a show where death is sinister, and the norm in every show.  Blood and gore does not need to be what encourages my REM sleep that night.

I choose to hug my child, to love, to laugh, to endure, to lead …. to inspire …. to believe in something better.  ABC, do something better with your writing next season.   If I want to watch blood, gore or “corpse porn” as an NPR commentator said recently, I’ll choose “CSI”.