28th March 2009

An Old Flame 1 reply

I ran into an old flame today - his name is Jay.  We’ve always had the most serendipitous (spelling?) way of running into one another.   The last time I saw Jay was when I was with another boyfriend of mine - hmmm - let’s see perhaps in 2005? or 2006?  I was driving with my now ex-boyfriend, Steve.  I was talking with Steve about Jay, ironically.  And, then all of a sudden, there was Jay on 270, coming out of 161 New Albany, OH exit.  Jay and his big white smile and his purple 360 z.  Yum.  I remember thinking that there was no one on the road but Jay and I.  Where was Steve?  Not in my car at that very moment.  I was thinking about Jay and no one else.  I remember Steve having an issue about Jay - saying my palms were sweating. 

So Jay was this short affair in 2004.  I met him in October 2003.  And there is not one moment that is not encapsulated in my mind - every single moment I can remember, and that’s saying a lot because there are many things I can not remember - like whether I shampooed my hair in the morning - like Julia Roberts in Two Weeks Notice - due to my crazy schedule and amazing responsibility.  Yes, so every single moment I remember with Jay - and we always had the strangest way of running into one another.  When I called things off out of guilt, I began to write cards to Jay - I always imagined I’d have them on me to give to him one day.  I still have them, some 20 or so uniquely written cards.  If you’ve ever seen The Notebook, it’s kinda like that, only I didn’t write Jay 365 days, every day.  I just wrote about 20 cards - I purchased really cool looking cards that mirrored my thoughts that day - and wrote my thoughts down about him.  The rest of the time was written in a journal, which of course Steve found one day - and that did not go too well.  Changed my locks after that event.  Fun.  Major fight because of my journal entries on Jay - and Steve reading them without permission.  Back to current times - that was a long time ago.

Today, I knew I had to go into my pediatrician’s office.  I had no appointment - I just needed  to pick something up.  Turning into the driveway I saw a familiar car coming down the road.  I thought and wondered if that was Jay - sure enough it was him.   We’ve all had that flame at one point - that unfulfilled love at one point in our life, right?  Don’t you imagine, or envision, or play the time you’re going to one into that person over and over.  Yes, well, today, was not the way I envisioned myself in the picture.  I mean, I had on a dress, a fuscia pink trenchcoat raincoat, but I hardly had my hair the way I imagined, nor the lipstick, nor the rest of the whole picture.  I was wearing my glasses - I had two whiskers sticking out of my face (LOL), no mascara, nothing.  Au natural - thank God I was wearing a dress and I had the mindset to shave my legs and put on lotion today.  Whew!

But don’t you imagine you will look extra SPECIAL on the day you run into the old flame?  Yes, not exactly the way I imagined it - four years since we actually had a live conversation in the flesh - and if you saw this guy - you can only imagine what was going through my mind when I saw him.  He’s got the best smile and he’s 6′2″, eyes of blue, sandy brown hair, jeans and a shirt - who the hell cares - he looked good. 

Kinda wierd though, right?  He wanted to see Melina - kinda funny I suppose.  The way it all happened this afternoon.  I had this vision of one day running into Jay, looking gorgeous with Melina in her stroller - looking super cute.  The business woman who had it all - a daughter (Jay doesn’t have children, but wanted a child at one point) - success - sexy stuff - yeah, whatever.  Anyway, today, no mascara, and whiskers popping out of my face - here I was introducing him to Melina who was napping at the time in the car, with the hood of her jacket squarely over her face - like Obie One Kinobi (how do you like that phonetic spelling?).

So, thoughts are with him obviously tonight.  Yummy.  But, instead I’m watching 007 Quantum of Solace - very late at night - with more than a glass of red wine in me.  I just got the hiccups.  I’m a little stressed about the week ahead - a LOT going on - a lot riding on the success of what is to happen.  I’m excited, and imagine it’ll be exhilaration ahead of me - but how much things have changed in a few months.  Tonight, I’m preparing for that, after a very long, long night with M - I’m trying to wean her off of the carseat in the crib - and it did not go well - 2 hours to get her to sleep - and lots of high-pitched crying.  Lots of holding, rocking, singing songs you don’t know the words to, telling yourself you really do have to memorize those words sometime, lots of stress. 

By 10:00 p.m., M still had not gone to sleep peacefully - waking up every half hour or so.  An intense night without a doubt.  So, I cleaned out my car and began to watch James Bond with more than one glass of red wine.  M woke up at 11:30 or so, again, and I tried to feed her formula which she did not enjoy, but tolerated.  Half a bottle later, and off I went to 007 - he’ll have to do tonight.  It’s after 1:15 a.m. and I’ve hardly paid attention to him.  I’m just now cooking dinner, but one thing did happen tonight that was truly fun - a friend stopped over to get something late tonight.  I let Lucky run after this friend - down the road - at high speed - without a leash - for a few minutes - it was fun to watch that.  My dog was happy.  Freedom  - if for only a moment - and perhaps what I wanted for only a moment - remembering my own freedom back in 2004 - and the crazy things I did with Jay.  Sweet memories - sweet freedom, but without a doubt, as I listened to Jay today - talk about material things - and only material things - I realized how much my life had changed - the most important “thing” was not a thing at all - it was and is not material - it is a human being - who is my daughter - and the only “thing” that matters in my life.   Sweetness defined by holding your child so close - a giggle, a toot, a hand holding tightly to your own,  a toothless grin, a chuckle, a smile that is as wide as her little face, chipmunk cheeks, trust as she looks up into my face as she lays back in my hands and arms as I wash her hair in the sink, and a smile to top off the trusting look - that I am her mother - that I am her provider - that we are together and that is ALL that matters at the end of the day.  This is what I call a fulfilled love - and it’s amazing - like nothing I would have ever imagined - but could only have hoped for.

24th March 2009

Melina is Four Months Old Today (well an hour ago) 1 reply

Okay, so it’s already the 25th and I should have written this a few hours ago but Melina turned 4 months old today (yesterday).

Melina at Four Months
Melina at Four Months - Almost - Taken About 2 Weeks Ago

So this post will be very short - as it’s very late - and Mommy is very, very tired.

But M is doing wonderful.  She’s giggling - that’s perhaps the most exciting part of our day now.  On our frequent walks now, we have stick out the tongue competitions and we giggle together - well she in response to my incessant giggles to get her to chuckle and giggle.  I must look very funny leaning over her stroller, sticking out my tongue, and faking a good giggle.  But then when she lights up a smile, and begins to chuckle and then giggle - my laughter is no longer faked - it’s in genuine delight at how Melina is responding to my goofiness.

The last couple of days she has taken to my lap where she can push back and we have “wee” (as opposed to “pee”) moments - she acts like she’s falling back from my lap to the bed (not very far of course) - and of course she’s in my hands all the way back - but she likes it. 

Well - I told you it was a quick one - lots to do - press release just went out about our new application tonight at 12:01 a.m. EST.  Much to do…..

 More when I have time….

15th March 2009

Challenging Times 2 replies

I know a few people who are really challenged by what is happening in our economy.  One could lose her house this week.  Another couple is having a hard time getting project.  And you can add me to that list in someways.  Granted, my challenges are two-fold but sweet in a strange way.  When I decided to walk down this IVF path, I knew that there was a chance that I would not be able to run the company at the office, have employees, jet-set around the world at conferences, and work on major key accounts like Pier 1 Imports and SpaFinder Magazine, or even Levenger.  I’d grown the company to 12 employees.  I’d spoken at over 30 conferences worldwide.  I’d been asked to sit on an educational board that helped develop two SEMPO trade association courses.  I’d managed to develop a syllabus at Ohio State’s Fisher College of Business and teach two consecutive years.  So not a bad journey in 12 years, but no family, no children and thus I knew if I would head down this path of pursuing mommyhood alone, that I might sacrifice a lot work-wise. 

 This past week was challenging at best.  It takes $25 minimum to run my office.  I have clients who are struggling and putting the squeeze on us, asking for more.  You wrack your brain trying to help them with their business, and help them to attract business in a tough economy.  You hear the bad news on the TV, or on the radio every time you turn it on, which is why I stopped tuning in but once a week.  You hear friends, family and others struggling.  Some of it self-inflicted, but others not so much.  So, it’s not a huge surprise that I’m beginning to really feel the pinch in my business, and potentially at home if I don’t make some changes quickly.

I have Melina to protect, and myself as well in order to be her provider.  A few months ago I said there was a chance I’d have to give up the office space (which was a huge source of pride) in order to operate in a more lean environment.  I may be doing that this week.  I have put furniture up on www.craigslist.com and while I have someone interested in sub-letting the space, it may not be soon enough as I’m at a critical junction.  As I get inquiries on the furniture, some of it is quite hard to part with - I’m so very proud of the hard work and accomplishments that are wrapped up into the office.  But, when I look at Melina, I say that taking your business back into your home so that you can stay in business, quite frankly, and be a mom, is not so bad, in the big picture. 

I could have worked harder, smarter, better - sure, I could have.  I can always work smarter, faster, harder.  But some days there is only so much brain power to solve everyone’s problems that you can handle. 

Tonight, I ran into a neighbor who had been so very, very supportive of my desire to have a child.  She went down the adoption path instead of IVF.  She put out at least $35k, if not more now due to Homeland Security annual fees, for a Chinese child.  Nothing came of it despite notices it would be a few more months, a few times.  Tonight, I ran into her, and she started crying easily which  then made me cry and I didn’t even know what we were crying about.  Women - we are so funny about that stuff.  Anyway, an unwanted child - a third child for a 17-year old girl.  Her first pregnancy - very young - before I was even thinking of such things - 6th grade, ugh.  Shoot, that was before I even had my confirmation in the Catholic church.  How sad.  So, what my neighbor is looking at is some $15,000 or more in fees - and she’s already paid $35k in adoption fees.  She’s dedicated her life to taking care of infants and very young children.  Why is she denied a chance to be a Mother?  So many tried to tell me that it wasn’t in the plans - but that’s a cop-out.  I went through only one IVF, but many IUIs, and ICIs or whatever the heck those things are - and finally the IVF was the solution despite my concerns.  And today, as my readers know, I am happily a Mom.  So, my friend’s problems - gosh I feel deeply for her pain.  Her problems are different than losing a house, a job, cancer (another neighbor), or an office space. 

I’d say that while my struggle this week may be great, I know many who have lost so much more - so I have to remember that as I may be forced to owe $42k or more in office rent, and yet walk away from it.  I have a contract that puts me in that space till December so what will happen then, right?  If I can sell enough furniture, which I have plenty that I don’t use, then I can perhaps stay there and slowly rebuild the company in small measure.

This week I have a friend coming to visit who lost everything, home and office, in New Orleans.  They had to uproot the family of five, animals included thankfully, and move to Baton Rouge.  How hard that must have been - one cannot even conceive of how hard that must have been for them. 

So this week will be tough.  But as there are deals that on the table, and as I am happily able to work from home on these projects, with babycare available while I work from home, it’s not so bad.  I just have to get past my ego and I will have always have my memories.  There is nothing to say I can’t do this again, and of course, there is nothing to say that my property management won’t work with me.  The chances they can get someone into space for $5400 a month is not likely right now. 

Okay, signing off to return to working on my  website, which I’ve squeezed in the past week quite a bit, when I’m not posting to Craigslist.com or working on client projects.  And this in between dog/cat and Melina walks outside (two today), talking to family and friends, and a load of laundry.

So, you can imagine that my kitchen sink - well - that’s suffered as a result of my occupation elsewhere.

14th March 2009

Sometimes I Forget I Have a Baby with Me - Well, For a Nano-Second 1 reply

Today, Melina and I went for a walk.  We cannot go on a walk by ourselves when there are two rescued pets who like to take walks.  As soon as I say, “go for a ride”, or “go for a walk”, then Lucky, the dog, gets very excited.  She runs to the stairwell, and sits there ready for me to put her harness and leash on.  Then Bentley, the Sealpoint Himalayan rescued cat, decides he wants to go too.  Have you ever known a cat who likes to take dog walks?  Bentley loves walking with the dogs.  In fact, he runs much like a dog, and reminds me so much of Cody, my chow (even the back of Bentley reminds me of Cody - very thick across).  So, we all head out through the garage and into the street for our walking adventure.

Melina and the kids
Melina’s Excitement, and the Kids
On a Walk Today (whoops on the finger)

Most of the dogs in the neighborhood know Bentley, and he gets along well with some of them.  With others, he stays behind like a smart kitty.  Lucky on the other hand, is often all over the place, getting retrained to walk with control since I had Melina.   She seems a bit more protective and high-strung on a walk since Melina came along.  But that’s also because she is not getting twice daily walks, and that’s an issue with a higher energy dog like her. 

Lucky and Bentley on dog walk
Bentley way ahead of the pack
Lucky trying to catch up, pulling a bit

So, off we go on our walk, soliciting looks from passersby.  Most people know about Bentley and greet him, or roll down their window to admire the cat on the dog walk.  I figure it must make quite a picture, myself, baby in stroller, dog and cat in tow. 

Today  - where you see the red car in the corner of the picture above, there was a collared, well-fed cat.  Bentley went after him, and in fact chased him up a pine tree.  I immediately followed them to break up the fight, and for a second, realized I had just walked away from my baby, in the stroller, yes, in you guessed it - hmmm hmmm.  Shocked I turned back and figured the cats would be okay.  What the hell was I thinking or not thinking?  Sometimes I still have to pinch myself to realize that I’m in charge of two of us, and the others are just along for the ride.  We went for three rounds, and Bentley got sidetracked himself when a terrier dog came up and barked at Lucky.  Bentley decided to take a safer route home, and so we lost him for about 15 minutes.  He hugs the yards in most places, and if I say to him WAIT - BENTLEY - WAIT - if a car is coming, he will look right at me and stop, or go under a parked car or hide behind a bush.  And then when it’s safe and the car passes, or dog passes, then he will come out again.  Pretty funny.

We walk quite a ways with Bentley and Lucky, and then we take a couple of laps, weather permitting, without them.   We see neighbors who come up to admire the new addition of M.  Today several people were out, and we got to catch up with a few neighbors I hadn’t seen in a while due to the cold weather. 

12th March 2009

Baby Finger Jam - YUMMY! 2 replies

Finger Jam

Okay, so I knew about toe jam, but did you know that babies can actually get finger jam?  Yes, you see that cute little Buckeye baby up there sucking on those fingers?  Well, enough of that can lead to finger jam.  I was looking at her hands the other day and noticed some seriously wicked black grime in between her chubby little fingers.  Of course all that sucking and slurping and drooling - well, you can only imagine the environment that is fostering the growth of finger jam. 

 Cleaning in between the chubby little fingers isn’t the easiest thing to do, but what is easy is listening to Melina’s sounds.  Her sounds are so incredibly sweet - they can literally melt your heart and bring a smile to your entire being unless of course there is crying involved.  Those sounds are not sweet and they can bring you to your knees in a non-physical way.  But M’s sounds in the morning - are great.  We wake up and we have activity gym time where she kicks her arms and legs in passionate form.  She coos, and even sometimes makes a wild sounds that I can’t possibly try to describe in written form.  But I love hearing her sounds - and am tickled by the addition to my morning routine.  Her eyes pop wide when I’m cleaning her hands and feet at the sensation of warm, soapy water.  The sounds and visualization of a happy baby brings nothing better I can possibly imagine to my day.

Yesterday I was talking to my parents - we were talking about the economy and its affect on clients, our respective investments, and other matters.  I said things were tough - but at this moment while I was talking to them, all was perfect, because I was with M - and looking and listening to her was perfect tonic. 

 Melina - Pensive

I have not yet captured a picture of her face when she lights up in genuine delight - but it is amazing to see this develop.  I can walk up to her at various points in the day, smile at her, and she will top the charts with a return smile.  It changes her entire face and its a heart warmer and a tension melter.  No matter how tired I am at that very moment, or frustrated at the lack of sleep for nearly four months, once I see that smile and her excitement to see me - it’s all good - so very, very good.

Feetsies

 I can put up with finger jam, or toe jam any day - and if sucking on those hands with that much slurping is making her happy - then I am more than willing to clean those little chubby fingers with warm soapy water each day.  I thank God for her not nearly enough.